Tag Archives: self-esteem

And we’re back…

Obviously I’ve been out of commission for a bit. I finally crashed and burned. For the first time that I can remember, Liz did not land on her feet… A friend of mine from college used to say that she thought I was blessed because I somehow always landed on my feet.

Well, I think that streak is over. It was a good long run, but, as with all good things, it had to come to an end.

pillow fortThat’s not to say that all is lost: Life is actually looking up for me.  The job situation is quite over. With the school year wrapping up, and me still technically on medical leave, it’s time to start looking at summer jobs and to cement my plans for next year. Obviously, given the bizarre turn of events for me of late, I probably definitely won’t be returning to the school I taught at this year. I have a few options, and I’m exploring all of them.

In other news, I have found that I have really amazing friends. While I allowed myself to fall very far down into a depressive black hole, they’ve been there to check on me, and to let me talk, even if most of my talk was just to ramble on about how little I understood about my situation. I was confused as to how it got so bad.

I’m also aware that from an outside perspective, it’s not that bad. I have a  roof over my head, a family that loves me (although we don’t always know how to show it to each other), friends who are actually there for me in a crisis, and probably lots of other things that I should be thankful for.


Continue reading And we’re back…

Why some women have rape fantasies, or How Ayn Rand perverted my sense of Romance

Some Alpha females seek to maintain their Alpha status at all costs, while some would prefer to relinquish their titles when they come home and take on a more subservient role in their romantic relationships. I tried to establish in my earlier post about Intellectual Alpha Males that I was of the latter group, but I’m not sure many noticed, or understood.

You see it sometimes in television and movies, especially when they are portraying more counterculture relationships. My first thought would be of an old episode of CSI (the original) where a man’s wife has completely emasculated him by forcing him to take on the Beta role, so he goes to an S&M club (run by Lady Heather) to take on an Alpha role (It’s an old episode, one that still had the actor William Peterson, the one who played/plays Grissom).

the power struggle

Well the same works in reverse. Sometimes people who like to make decisions all day, people who are forced into a more dominant, Alpha role, prefer to just let go and not make a decision for a while. It’s partly what the whole S&M world is based on, I would imagine.

Now don’t go jumping to conclusions; I don’t have a dungeon tucked away in my tiny little apartment, nor do I frequent that scene, but the concept of choosing a partner who could take a more dominant role does greatly intrigue me. And if you’re easily offended, you should leave this post right now; this one isn’t for the faint of heart.

Or the innocent.

the power struggle

Continue reading Why some women have rape fantasies, or How Ayn Rand perverted my sense of Romance

Confessions of Depression and Other Things

There are certain things I don’t usually talk about because I feel like I’m admitting something is wrong with me if I let other people know. For instance, *I* can know that I like the Ewok movie better than the whole original Star Wars Trilogy (for sentimental reasons), but I don’t often say it out loud for fear I will lose some of my “Geek cred,” as a friend of mine says. And apparently today is the day for confessions, so I’m starting off big!

As if that wasn’t a big enough confession, the thing I really wanted to talk about today was Seasonal Depression.

I sometimes fall prey to seasonal depression. I sometimes see how grey and cold and nasty it is outside, and that grey and cold and nasty feeling seeps inside of me and makes me not care about things I should.

I stop cleaning.

I stop eating healthy.

I quit caring about work.

I find most things just too hard to do.

I don’t throw things out. I let the mess pile around me until my room or (as happened this time) my entire apartment looks like it belongs to the Trash Lady muppet from The Labyrinth. 

seasonal depression causes this.
This is why I wouldn’t open my door all the way when people came to visit…

When this happens, I usually can’t see the best place to start. I clean one room, usually a small one like the bathroom or the kitchen. It’s something that makes me feel like I’ve made some sort of progress, because I believe that any progress will motivate me to get the rest of it done. And if I’ve caught it early enough, it does! I can successfully pick everything up, and there will be no problems… until the next grey and cold and nasty series of days or weeks. In Texas, we don’t have that much cold and nasty weather, so I can usually catch it fairly quick.

Sometimes, I just don’t. Continue reading Confessions of Depression and Other Things

Beauty Queens and Texas Whores

Just finished watching The Client List, starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.Overall, it was a pretty decent movie, given the indecent subject matter. A Texan woman, a former beauty queen, takes a job at what she thinks is a massage parlor to make some money to support her family. Turns out, it’s a whore house, and, turns out, she’s really good at what she does! To make it even more interesting, it’s based on a true story… and they’re remaking it into a Lifetime series.

Now, my interest in the show lies primarily in how it portrays Texas women, as I am a lifelong Texan (thus far). The main character makes comments early on in the show about how her mother told her “never to leave the house without makeup”, and “no one as pretty as [she] is should be poor.” I can relate to the first statement; I can honestly say the last time I left my house without makeup on, I was trying not to be recognized. (It did not precisely work, but then again, I have other attributes that make me stand out…or so I’m told) It seems in Texas, we prefer the not so natural look.

Later, when Hewitt’s character gets busted, she tells her mother that somehow it was like acting, but that having that much attention, all those powerful men treating her like she was the most important thing in their world, was something she needed. It’s not until after everything seems to fall apart that her mother tells her that she (the mother) should have taught her (the daughter) to rely on more than just her looks.

Coming from Texas, I understand this strange ideology that we women are only as good as our looks. It is bred into us from a very young age. My mother liked to tell me when I got into high school that I would lose the weight over the next summer, or the summer after that, because she had a growth spurt when she got to such and such an age. Imagine her disappointment when the weight never quite went away. Or how she always told me I look so pretty with makeup, but never said the same without it. Even now, every time I change a job, or location, my mother tells me that this time I’ll meet the one… As if meeting some man who wants to take care of me will make my life complete.

Interestingly enough, there was a time when wearing makeup meant a woman was a whore… Then again, I’ve also heard men say that they pay for their relations with women in a multitude of ways. It could be said that dinner and a movie were payment for future favors…

And men wonder why we are so messed up.