Tag Archives: adoption

Day 3: A Dozen Random Facts About Me

I’m not sure I can truly say these facts are “random” since I am the one deciding which facts to share. There are things that I just won’t share, and yet some of those questions are ones that, I imagine, would come up if I were to take requests from random people. Instead you get a selection of the 12 questions I would be comfortable answering. Thus, totally planned, and not at all random.

1. I am adopted. This isn’t exactly a new fact, but it is the most important fact about me. It really has defined who I am in so very many ways! For instance, like I discussed on Day 1, it means I’m open-minded because I don’t really see race. I see  the personality of a person before I see the outside.

2. I have a fear of failure. Through my own self-evaluation, I’ve learned that this is somewhat due to my adoption. The way it was explained to me was that I was “chosen” like a car or a new toy. I’ve also heard other parents say this to their adopted children, or about their adopted children. In fact it is the most accepted ways of explaining adoption to children who don’t have a grasp on what it really means. Continue reading Day 3: A Dozen Random Facts About Me

I’m losing faith in humanity…

Someone sent me a link to this article in response to my blog post about Stacey Connor, the woman who gave back her adopted child. I thought that the fact that there were organizations set up just to help with “secondary placements” was bad. Now they’re telling me there are whole underground, online message boards designed for this, called re-homing.

badadoptionWhat has the world come to? Children are tossed aside from one family to the next like toys, or puppies, or garbage. In the debate over the original article about the Connors, one man said that basically since he was an abandoned child, “up for adoption in the first place…” it was acceptable to relocate him. He also said: “It does not mean because someone took the responsibility that many of us, or most of us chose not to do, they are to have this child for life.”

Well, buddy, I beg to differ. Agreeing to an adoption means just that: you are taking on that child for life, or at least until they are 18.

But in this country, we choose to throw things out when they don’t work just so. Pants too long? Don’t bother hemming them, throw them out and buy a pair that fits. Broken cell-phone? Get another. TV not the newest and the best? Go out and get the newest one. Relationship not as easy as you thought? End it. School’s too much work for you? Find a way to make it the teacher’s fault…

And now, we’ve devolved to the point where this makes sense on a grand scheme: Not happy with the kid you adopted? Trade them in for a newer model…

nitaThe young girl in that article chose not to disclose sexual abuse in order to not be removed from her home and “rehomed” for the umpteenth time. People were passing her back and forth like a dog. As a dog owner, I would like to remind you it’s not really fair for dogs either, but I do recognize (unlike the people engaging in rehoming) that people are a little more fragile/permanent/important than dogs.

If a dog is aggressive and bites the children in a home, it makes sense to send that dog to another home. Children should never be shifted around from home to home, trying to find the right “fit.”

It’s just disgusting. And WRONG! Continue reading I’m losing faith in humanity…

Giving back a child.

I can’t even imagine a world where giving back a child is an option, but according to this article, not only is it an option, but it happens enough that there are whole organizations based on “secondary placements” when “adoptions [go] awry.”

You mean when a family gets a kid they don’t want? I’ve expressed more than once (Nature vs Nurture, Disney and Abandonment, and others) that I have a fear of being unchosen, but I always thought it was in my head; it was an unfounded fear that stemmed from the semi-perfectionist teachings that are thrust upon the women in my family, but not the males. I had no idea that such a thing actually happened!

And to use the experience of giving away a child as a way to gain favor to become foster parents is even worse! Oh I see here that you have experience giving children away once you’ve gotten them. Welcome to the foster care circus!

Giving back your kidsHaving read the article, I think there are 2 intrinsic problems with this situation: first of all, these people had kids of their own to begin with. There was no need for them to have another child, which brings us to the second problem: selfishness. They weren’t trying to bring a child into their lives because they needed him, or to help him out of a dangerous situation. They wanted to have a large family, Brangelina style, and were willing to bring an outsider in, one from Haiti.

First of all, there are lots of children in the United States that need loving homes. Adopting a child from Haiti, while generous, is a publicity stunt. It is a way to be the hip, cool people on your block by adding a refugee into the mix. The mother, Stacey Conner, is even quoted as saying “Having an instant multicultural family was magical…”

Giving back your kids
Stacey Connor, the woman who wants sympathy for giving away her child.

Because that’s the message you want people to get about you: You are so racist that you feel the need to point out how cool it is that you adopted a child (or in this case children, plural) outside of your own race.

Then, when the oldest boy, whom she only refers to as “J”, became difficult, she realized that she was in the wrong: “I was committing the worst maternal sin: I felt like I loved one child less than the others.” Had she killed the boy instead of just passing him onto another family, that statement would have been enough to convict her. It shows premeditation.

Now, I am in no way suggesting that giving away a child be compared to murder…

Wait, no, that may be exactly what I’m suggesting!

Continue reading Giving back a child.

housecleaning my page

A little housecleaning.

And no, I’m not referring to my home, which I promised to post pictures of by Pi day (March 14th). Ages ago, I had created these nice, neat little categories on the left side of the screen to sort all my posts. Seems, true to my Gemini nature, that I can’t stay on one topic for very long, or else I get bored…

Well, I finally got around to organizing them. Some of the older posts only fit into the “Just One Cup”  category. Apparently, in the early stages of this blog, I was just doing things like reviews and venting… a lot of venting!

It was a bit of fun to go back and see some of the older things, to see how my view has changed in the 2 years since I started this thing.

For instance, in “Five Things I’ve learned from being Adopted,” I talk about, you guessed it, being adopted, but I also started to discuss the being “chosen” aspect of adoption that in more recent years I’ve identified as some of the cause of my abandonment issues

Also, in my post “Yes, yes you did,” I discuss how a friend almost ruined her relationship by not trusting… which is almost what I did, and why I needed to apologize.

I’m beginning to think that what they say about history repeating itself, might just be true…

History Lessons from Housecleaning

Disney and Abandonment

Disney and Abandonment Issues

Yesterday I threw myself a bit of a pity party before I went to the Awards Party with my book club girls, and as part of it, I watched a scene from my favorite Disney movie, Dumbo. It was the scene when Dumbo goes to visit his mother in the cell and she sings “Baby Mine.”

Afterwards, I thought about why, given my state of being, would I choose a song I knew would make me cry, and the only thought that came to mind was that it also gives me some sort of feeling of belonging. Somehow, I feel like Dumbo.

The fact that it is my favorite Disney movie is something my mother has often said doesn’t make sense to her.

Disney and AbandonmentWell, a good friend of mine once pointed out that I also really enjoy The Jungle Book (the Rudyard Kipling book, NOT  the Disney version), and that it’s because both deal with being separated from one’s mother. I identify with them, and being ostracized for being different. Mowgli isn’t one of the pack, Dumbo looks different, but in the end both of them are able to rise above their differences (somewhat literally in the case of Dumbo) and become the star of the show.

Disney and AbandonmentHe thinks (and I do, too) that I identify with both of these characters because I am adopted and don’t look like my family, and in many ways don’t think or act like them. Dumbo was essentially raised by that little mouse, Timothy Q. Mouse (at least for the duration of the movie, and then later as his manager), and Mowgli was raised by wolves (literally). Not that my family is comprised of animals, but we are in a lot of ways fundamentally different. Continue reading Disney and Abandonment Issues