Per request, I’m writing a post… since I’ve been a little AWOL lately. I was trying not to jinx things with the Knight, but turns out there wasn’t anything to jinx.
When last I posted, the Knight had hurt my feelings by saying a thing that, while not directed at me, touched a nerve all the same. He’d said a few things on several different occasions that, if they had been directed at me, were particularly difficult. If he was, as some guys have done before (my mind immediately goes to the guy who was around just for my birthday the first year I was in Houston), telling me a story to allude or hint at something that he viewed was the situation with me, then he was giving me hints that this was never going to go anywhere.
Yet, when I asked him about what he said the night before my last post, he was fairly adamant that it was NOT directed toward me in any way, shape, or fashion. He even thanked me for giving him the opportunity to explain because a lot of times he comes across wrong.
In hindsight, that might be because he uses too many generalizations in his discussions, and everything comes across as him trying to start an argument or a debate.
So, a couple of days after I posted, he let me know he was not ready for something long term.
Ok. Not ready doesn’t mean “not ever,” just “not right now.” And that is how I took it to mean. He told me he thought I was coming on a little strong because I would ask him regularly how he was doing… I had to explain that, for me, that was code for “when do I get to see you again?”
It’s not exactly code. It’s that I’ve been told to at least say Hi first.
The Ex used to get frustrated with me about that… Or not sure if it was frustration, but when I launched into a conversation via text or FB messenger, he would always comment about saying “Hi” first. As such, “Hey, how are things in your world?” has become my go-to opening text when I want to talk to someone or see them, but don’t want to be rude.
The Knight told me that he felt like he was in a relationship because I asked him how he was so often. I told him it was partially because it was Spring Break, and I had nothing better to do, so I was trying to hang out.
I was also talking to a few other people at the same time… the Knight had told me he assumed that I would be, so I did.
One was the Latest Fellow. Yes, he’s still hanging around, though I haven’t figured out why yet. Both why he wants to keep up this strange charade of us actually being friends (or potentially more than) when we are very definitely less than acquaintances, and also why I haven’t just blocked him yet.
I guess because his random texting is good for a distraction when I’m trying not to come on too strong to someone I actually like… Like with the Knight.
Then after the Knight told me he wasn’t ready for something serious, I started looking for someone who was, and matched with someone with whom I was already Facebook friends… though we’ve never met. We have a mutual friend, and I’m not entirely certain why we became Facebook friends. Must have had something in common other than one mutual friend, because I’m pretty picky when it comes to the people I add on Facebook.
I’m a teacher. I have to be careful. Somebody is always watching…
That guy ghosted after about a week… I tried to give him signals or suggestions that we should meet, and he kept saying he’d like that, but then would never act on it. Now, total radio silence.
So I deleted him.
Now, back to the Knight.
Because of what he said, I backed off. We agreed to something more along an FWB situation, at least until we got to know each other better. Was it what I wanted? Not really, but there was that moment the night before my last post, when we were snuggling on his couch, fully clothed and just really comfortable with one another.
Seemed to me like he freaked out when he realized how comfortable we had gotten in such a short amount of time, and I wanted to give him the time to get comfortable with me again.
Instead, I became the pursuer. I left him totally alone once Spring Break was over, and focused on the FB Friend. Then, when the next weekend hit, I was really ready to have a little fun, so, even though I had told myself I was going to wait for the Knight to send the next message, I sent him one instead. He agreed to hang out, but there was absolutely none of the comfort from before.
And when he began with another one of his generalized arguments about the nature of women, I finally couldn’t help but laugh. I laughed right in his face and told him that his syllogism was wrong. His argument was fallacious. Any time you argue with extremes, you will lose.
I don’t even remember what he was saying, but it was so ridiculously condescending and misogynistic that I couldn’t help but laugh and then try to explain to him why he was so very, very wrong.
It kind of killed the evening, though there was a bit of fun in spite of all that.
We didn’t really get to finish, though, so I thought, since it had become obvious that we were just playing, no strings attached, that I could suggest we finish what we started the following weekend (this past weekend).
When I sent him my standard, “Hey, how are things in your world?” message, it took him a while to respond. When he did, he told me that, since he’d promised not to ghost, that he just wanted to let me know that he was thinking of going in another direction and that he didn’t want to continue talking, playing, anything with me.
“Thanks for understanding,” he texted.
“I really don’t, but I respect your decision.” I didn’t want to ask, but I was relatively confused.
In his response, he went on to tell me that he was looking to do a thing we had already agreed to do, a fantasy of his that I was willing to help with, but that we hadn’t done. Yet.
When I reminded him that we had already discussed the thing, he pointed out that, basically, I was making him wait too long… He expected me to snap my fingers and make all the necessary arrangements just happen because of the kind of person he thought I was, and our discussions about some of my experiences in other places.
Basically, his entire interest in me was because he thought I was going to be able to help him fulfill a fantasy.
“Ahh. I see now. It was never about me, but about the novelty experience that you thought I could provide. If that is indeed the case, we have nothing further to discuss.”
He didn’t even respond to that.
Haven’t heard from him since.
If I’m honest, I had decided he was too dumb and too jaded anyway.
The way he kept saying things about how women think, or about the way women act was beginning to bother me. He always had something negative to say about women… as if I wasn’t one, or as if I shouldn’t get offended by those comments. If I tried to argue with him, he always changed his point so as to not offend me, but it never felt genuine. Plus, when I told him his syllogisms were fallacious, he told me that no matter how many “collegiate words” I threw at him, it wouldn’t make him understand my point.
Granted, “syllogism” and “fallacious” are not words used in everyday discourse, but he told me he had gone to college as pre-law… before he dropped out to make serious bank working on computers. Syllogisms and fallacies are part of the Intro to Logic class.
I know because that’s where I learned the terms.
So when I realized he was only interested in me as a plaything, did it hurt my feelings? Yeah. But was it because it was him? No.
I’m just tired of guys thinking that I’m just good for a novelty experience. I’m not a toy to be used and then tossed aside, or to be put on a shelf until they are ready to play with me again.
If I agree to enter into a play only situation, then that goes both ways. Using the toy analogy, if you wind me up, you have to be willing to play until I wind down again. Sometimes that can take a few weeks. Sometimes longer. But men seem to think that wanting to play too much is a sign of attachment.
For me, the attachment comes when they do sweet things you would only do in a serious relationship. Like when the Last Guy used to put our foreheads together, which is such an intimate gesture.
Or this time, when the Knight snuggled with me on the couch, knowing full well that it was my time of the month and we couldn’t do anything sexual. He even told me then that if he’d been looking for just sex, he wouldn’t have invited me over… I don’t understand exactly what changed on his end. I am curious, but I’m not dwelling on that. I didn’t get attached. I didn’t have time to.
And in the end, I just wanted to play because he woke something up, wound me up, but hadn’t satiated that hunger enough to put that something back to sleep.
Meanwhile, in reality, I really don’t want a just for play situation. I want something real because I don’t know if I’ve ever had that. I thought very briefly that I had it with the Ex, but that was obviously just on my end. I thought I had it with the Bartender, but that ended even worse. I thought I might have had it with the Last Guy, but obviously I misread everything where he was concerned, even though he gave me plenty of signs that he did actually care…
It just seems that every time I meet someone and think there’s something real there, it turns out to be just for play purposes. And as soon as they think I might be attached, whether I am or not, they throw me away. Some of them are at least honest about being interested only in my curves, or the novelty of some of the things I like, or the fact that I’m Native American and that’s rare. But very rarely is it that they actually like me.
So rare, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s ever really happened.
I’ve been proposed to twice, and both of them had found someone new within two weeks of our relationship ending. How real could it have been?
I just want to scream it to the world that I am worth more than that. That I am a good person, who, yeah, enjoys a good time, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that I’m also a good catch.
More than that, I’m a person, not an object, not a prize, not a toy, or a possession.
And I’m certainly not a novelty!