Weekend Coffee Share: Catharsis

So, first of all, let me apologize for dropping off the face of the interwebs for a while. I haven’t even been on Twitter much until the last day or so. Instagram either.

Since we’ve gotten back into the swing of things (after the Hurricane disrupted life in general), I’ve basically just been trying to keep up with all the changes:

  • The counselors keep moving my students around, and thus I have to adjust the lessons a little more or less for each class based on the adjustments.
  • I’ve been talking to the most recent Indian fellow, but I think he’s gotten tired of my late nights in the classroom.
  • I had to get a tooth extracted… Not fun.
  • And then immediately got the flu.

And then, to top it all off, it seems like I can’t find the linkup for the coffee share. Does it not exist anymore? Have I been gone THAT long?!

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If we were having coffee together, it would be a late night latte for me. My most recent routine has been to have Saturday as a day of absolute rest while I play games… Mostly. By about 5 pm or so, I suddenly realize that the weekend is too damn short to spend a whole day just playing, and so I end up making lists and doing half a dozen things (all computer based) while sitting in bed trying to pretend I didn’t just waste my whole day away.

Today’s games were Sims 4 (of course!) and a new one I’m addicted to: I Love Hue.

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It’s a puzzle, all based on matching shades of colors so they create a beautifully simple pattern. It gets tricky because the colors at opposing ends are on the opposite sides of the color wheel. So if the piece you need is on the opposite side from where it should be, it looks like an entirely different color!

But when you get them all in line, it is some how peaceful and beautiful. I can’t explain how calming, how soothing it is.

I do worry a little that it’s like that game in Star Trek: TNG. You know, the episode where Ashley Judd did a cameo. She and Wesley Crusher were the only ones who realized it was some sort of dangerous mind controlling game. It released endorphins in the brain that were like sex, so there were people orgasming all over the ship, wearing these strange VR devices.

It was a strange episode.

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This game gives me a similar feeling of euphoria. Minus the orgasmic moans and the mind control. It’s just soothing.

My day has all but ended, but I did manage to go to a new chat. Well, new to me. It’s called #AYNChat (About Your Novel Chat), and it was nice. She even has give aways at the end.

I wish I could do that, but I’m still trying to get to a financially stable place…

Maybe someday…

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The rest of my week has been exceptionally busy! The last two weeks have been busy, really. But, and I hate to say this out of fear I’ll jinx myself, I feel like a real teacher again. I said it last year, and then things started to crumble. This year, I feel like I’m stronger and have a better sense of who I am as a person and as a teacher.

I also feel like I have a bit more support. I have friends here.

Maybe not the ones I thought I had. I still get that ache from the friends who deserted me after the Last Guy, but I understand. He went out of his way to make sure they didn’t really know there was anything going on with us, so of course it seems like I was just being the crazy one.

And I let him do it. I let myself fall for the sweet things he did, thinking they were special, and I let myself get upset when my friend, the one who’s been there for me before, couldn’t see things from my point of view.

Every now and then there are these little twinges when I think, “I need to tell ____ about that!” But they’re getting fewer and fewer. Eventually I won’t think about any of it anymore.

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It is a little difficult because the latest Indian fellow likes to joke and ask me “how many of [his] countryman have [I] taken advantage of…” I finally had to tell him that it wasn’t really a funny joke and give him the short version of the story. He didn’t seem particularly surprised, and knowing what I know now, neither am I.

This latest Indian fellow will be the fourth one in the past year who has decided to take a seemingly serious interest in me. The first, well we all know how that ended… or we would if I hadn’t deleted nearly 6 months worth of posts at his request.

The second was the guy who tried to force me to have phone sex with him. After I specifically told him that I was uncomfortable with doing that. His reason? He thought I might get comfortable with it once I tried it. Even after I told him specifically that I know I won’t, because I just don’t like it!

Basically, my opinion didn’t matter to him.

The third was the guy who tried to eat my face when he kissed me… after inviting me to watch a movie, that he didn’t actually have so we could watch it. Then he tried to accuse me of stealing from him. I’m assuming that was a ploy so he wouldn’t have to speak to me ever again? Or maybe he legitimately thought I tried to steal from him. I don’t know. It makes about as much sense as his attempts to seduce me, which were ridiculous at best.

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There is a small part of me that asks the question why am I even attempting to give latest fellow a chance. All of his “countryman” (once he even called them his “cousins”), have treated me pretty crappily, and there is a pretty definite belief that they are ALL like that.

And that’s just it… I HATE stereotypes. Hate the idea that people can so easily be labeled. I don’t want to believe that he is like the others just because they come from the same part of the world.

So, I’m giving him a chance to show that he’s not as two dimensional as the others. It’s selfish, really: I want to believe that my view of the world is right. I need him to prove to me that it is.

Besides, after the Alcoholic, I haven’t had much luck at all.

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There was one guy, and I think I might have hinted about him in my last post… but it’s been a while, so I’ll give you the brief rundown. And then I’ve got to call it a night so I can get up early in the morning and get everything ready for the coming week.

So, there was this guy, not Indian, and nearby (most of the guys I’ve spoken to/met have been on the other side of town, and I’m always the one doing the driving for the dates). This guy kind of reminded me of my dad. He has a normal, blue collar job. Seems to like cars, and guns. A regular “good ol’ boy.”

In other words, not my normal type. But, when I told him I really was looking for more than just someone to play with, he didn’t run away. I thought I’d give him a shot. After a couple of texting sessions, it became obvious that he was really just looking for sex, and I quit contacting him.

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Then, while I was at my mom’s during the hurricane. He contacted me. Said he hoped I was okay, and wished I’d been in town so we could keep each other company during the hurricane.

This was on the Saturday before it got bad… He was the friend who sent me pics while at the lake, so I thought it wasn’t going to be that bad and I might as well come on home… and then it got bad.

Right after I posted about it not being so bad

We started talking again. Only for a day or two. Once I was back in town, I told him as much, and he started asking when we could meet.

Somehow, the conversation got to the point where I told him I didn’t think we were in the same place on the dating journey. I told him I was looking for something with substance, and it seemed very apparent that he was just looking for someone to play with.

His response was to tell me that he wasn’t trying to wife me because he could just tell I wasn’t his type. I asked him how could he know that if we’d never met… the conversation got uglier from there.

I told him that there were more important things than looks, and that I was a bit offended that he thought I was cute enough for a fuck, but not cute enough to “wife.” Told him that I’d been published, and that I had begun my master’s degree. The point being not that it made me better than him (which is how his insecure mind took it) but rather to point out that I am a person with more to me than a pair of tits or just an object he thought he was going to get to use for his pleasure.

He got very upset and started telling me that I pushed people away because I thought I was smarter than him.

Ok. I did know think that I was smarter than him. But I pushed him away because he insulted me by basically telling me I was too ugly to marry, but pretty enough for a roll in the hay.

For any men out there reading this, that is not a compliment!! Do not tell a woman that she’s pretty, but not wife material, unless you are basing that on some facet of her personality. This guy didn’t want to take the time to get to know my personality.

So, I promptly sent him a list of exactly how I perceived the conversation and why he was wrong. I didn’t want to hear from him again, so it didn’t bother me when he told me goodbye (for real), and then told me he’d let me have the last word “because you females like that sort of thing.” Three separate times he tried to use my intelligence as an insult…

See why I think I’m smarter than him? Me being smart is not a detriment.

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The latest Indian fellow (which I’m guessing that will be his nickname…not sure why I like it so much) has proven that he likes that I’m intelligent. That’s another point in his favor. And he’s already over 30 so the ridiculous arranged marriage issue is non-existent. He told me that his mother understands that he has become Americanized and respects his wishes in that regard. He can’t stand the whole arranged marriage thing.

Of course, I thought the last guy had the balls to have the same sentiment, and I was wrong. He hated being in that situation, and was vocal about not liking it. Enough so, that I thought perhaps if we’d had time for him to see the feelings everyone else told me they could tell he had based on how he treated me, that we could have had something real because he might have realized that he did have a choice.

Instead he called me a liar, and accused me of manipulating situations. And I don’t want to talk about the other loss I had to experience because of all of it, but I will. Maybe there will be some catharsis in that.

Buckle up; we’re in for a long ride.

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Some troll accused me of lying about that situation. I didn’t post it because I’ve had issues with trolls in the past and not been able to realize them for what they were. I don’t know if this was one, or not, but I know that it hurt too much to deal with it at the time.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s not what he thought as well, and if that’s somehow why my friends left. I didn’t want to say anything to anyone until I knew more. I got pushed into telling him before I was ready because I had wanted to see if we could be in a room together. He refused until I explained why that was important. And after all the negative things he’d said to me the last time we’d spoken face to face, I was prepared for all manner of negative things from him.

One of my blood pressure medications makes such a thing improbable, and unlikely to survive, and I had told him that very thing when we discussed my health some time much earlier in our relationship (he tells me that it was never a relationship, just like we never went on dates…).

When the pain started so soon after I told him, I knew immediately that he’d say I made it up. Never mind the fact that he had me so angry that I could feel my whole face get hot when he asked me if it “had to be his.”

And when I knew it wasn’t meant to be, I put it on here before talking to him about it because I wasn’t ready for the obvious relief that he’d not be able to hide. I wasn’t ready for the possible accusations, or any number of other negative things that would come because he had proven to me that he wasn’t the nice, kind, thoughtful person I had thought him to be.

And when immediately after getting done messaging him, with him ending by saying he was done with me, and me telling him I was glad we could agree on that at least. While my face was still hot and I was still bleeding, in that moment someone I thought was a friend told me that my feelings of upset at him were just because I was “clearing the attic…” I didn’t know what to do.

How could this person who had known me first, not see that this guy wasn’t being nice or fair in the way he treated me? A nice guy doesn’t offer to pay to kill and replace a baby. This guy did. Because in his mind, that was the logical solution to the problem. And when I needed him to tell me that there had been at least something special about our interactions, and that it wasn’t all just in my head, he couldn’t do that. Instead he let me know that it was odd that I’d ever even thought to compare myself with the woman his mother chose for him because it was never about me or her. Because basically neither of us mattered. How he felt or didn’t feel about either of us mattered. And he said it without any consideration of how that might hurt me more. Or rather, he didn’t care. That is not a nice person.

And the person whom I had thought was my friend told me that it was my fault for allowing myself to have feelings, because I kept allowing myself to fall for men who made me an option. And he hasn’t even attempted to speak to me since. I had to make the next contact.

I don’t have a lot of options when it comes to the men I date.

Mostly, I date the men who are brave enough to ask me out. Sometimes even if my instincts tell me it’s a bad idea. I don’t discriminate based on race, or the size of their paycheck or their religion. The Pirate didn’t even have a functioning car, and his apartment was pretty bug-infested, so money isn’t an issue. The Ex was African American, as were a handful of the others. The Alcoholic was white, as was the guy who didn’t want to “wife” me. The Pirate was Hispanic.

I am picky about some things, but they’re all deeper than the superficial. Can you have a conversation with me? Do you respect me? When either of those seems in question, I bring it to here, and try to work it out what it means.

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My biggest problem is that I can’t tell when they are lying to me. I can’t tell what signs mean that even if they pretend to like me as a person, they really only like what I can do for/to them.

The last guy apologized for me thinking that he used intimacy as a way to get sex. But, just like the Ex, it wasn’t an apology for the action, only for my perception of the action.

Do all men just think women are dumb? I’m beginning to think so. Or at least the ones who are willing to talk to me…

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Anyway. I’ve gone nearly 2,000 words more than I had intended. I’ve missed this the last few weeks, and I guess some of that has been brewing in my mind while I was doing other stuff.

If it makes a difference, I do feel better getting it all out!

Hopefully it won’t be another 2 or 3 weeks before I can get on here and write. I hope your coffee hasn’t gotten cold (mine already was, I drink it that way)… See you around the internet!

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6 thoughts on “Weekend Coffee Share: Catharsis

  1. I’ve been missing for quite a while as well, and can’t find the Linky List either but it’s good to know people are still taking part 🙂 Glad you feel better after writing everything down, I always find it helps 🙂

    • Yes, writing things down to help me feel better is one of the main reasons I started this blog. Though originally it was much more anonymous… So is the Coffee Share not a linkup thing anymore?

  2. Diana has been on a break for awhile. She’s trying to figure out what she’s got time for and what she hasn’t. There is a blogger that started a weekend linkup this past week but I didn’t participate (because I didn’t know about it until now). I’m also thinking of starting something on weekends, too.

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