Which means it’s officially Fall!!
Before we get too into the holiday and the season, can I just start by saying how amazingly productive I seem to be when I allow myself to have that elusive window of time between first sleep and second sleep to actually get things accomplished? If I allow myself to go to bed 2 hours earlier than usual, when my body decides to wake up in the middle of the night, I have 2 hours of freshly awake energy to do things like check and update stuff on Twitter, finish (or fix) my powerpoints for work, write a little bit… you name it!
And then I can go back to sleep and in another few hours, I wake up fresh again and yet I get to start my day feeling accomplished.
It’s a nice feeling.
Now, on to our regularly scheduled Mabon…
Mabon, as the shift from summer to fall (or autumn, if you want to be pretentious), is a celebration of change. The weather is cooling down here in the Northern Hemisphere, and after today, the nights will officially be longer than the days. It’s a time to check in on our progress for our goals we stated… well, at any particular time earlier in the year, really.
To be honest, here in Texas we don’t feel the temperature change as much, but I do notice the lengthening of the nights! Already I’m driving to work in the dark, and it stays dark even after we begin our school day. Maybe not pitch black dark, but darker than I realized it was until I had a classroom with a window to the outside world.
We rely so much on electric lights, and the electric lights in a school are so glaringly bright that it hadn’t mattered much to me whether or not it was dark outside while I was teaching class. Today, thanks to my room with a window (note, not a view, just a window… it’s up so high no one can look out of it without getting on furniture, but we can see the sky), I noticed that it was still darkish until at least an hour into the school day.
We turned the lights off to better see the projector (I promise), and had to turn on some lamps to see.
Part of that was cloud cover, but part of it is also the lengthening nights, and, as I said, after today the nights will be longer than the daylight hours.
This also means that those silly daylight savings hours are about to begin here in the United States. I don’t think any other country has that nonsense, do they? Please tell me in the comments if your country or area does that silly “Spring forward, fall back” nonsense where you change the time to supposedly better utilize the daylight.
It’s nearly impossible for me to go back and check on my goals. A lot of posts where I talked about such things were removed at the behest of that Last Guy, and because I thought there was something special there, I was willing to remove it because I cared deeply for him. But, I do remember that some of my goals included allowing love into my life.
Actually, now that I think of it, that’s probably partially the reason why I allowed myself to get so confused with that situation with that Last Guy. He made me feel special and loved, and I have needed to feel that coming from outside of myself for quite some time now. It is also why it felt like such a betrayal when he explained to me that I was never special and that he never felt anything.
Which makes the fact that very few of our mutual friends even speak to me even more frustrating. I wasn’t the one who ended it, nor was I the one who hurt the other, nor was I trying to keep him away from them (which seems to be the perception), but once we weren’t together, I kept seeing him in pictures at events to which, once upon a time, I would have been invited. It’s why I had to block or hide most of them from my Facebook feed and Instagram, too. He was the one who said that he didn’t have any real friends in this city, which was one of the reason he didn’t want to spread that we were dating, and I was the one who said that I wouldn’t lie to my friends…
Now I see that it was really me who didn’t have any friends. Or at least that most of those people weren’t my friends.
How does this relate to Mabon? Because one of the things shifting in my life (other than the seasons) is that I’m working more on finding love from within. I would tell you that I do love myself, but I also have been known to see my faults and analyze them. The more people show me that they don’t really like or understand me, the more I begin to analyze the things that are “wrong” with me…
Being on the Spectrum means that I can do that to some extent without judgment, but knowing that things that are a part of my personality are things that others just don’t even want to understand still hurts, and it’s been the cause of me not being myself for a longish time.
I’ve been wearing various masks and personas to fit in for some time, but this year, I have begun to shift that way of looking at myself, and have begun to embrace the things that make me who I am instead of trying to analyze that person to see what makes me seem broken to other people.
Basically, I’m taking off the masks.
It’s already made me stronger when dealing with some guys (more on that with this weekend’s Coffee Share post), but I’m hoping to use the Mabon energy to strengthen this shift. I’ve felt it in my work life as well. Like I’m successfully transitioning my routine to earlier so that I can be to work earlier. It’s not 100% set yet, but I haven’t been late a single day, and rather have been early almost every day. In fact, I’ve only been just “on time,” twice.
I’ve also been trying to get back into my spirituality, and as such have been doing an online meditation and ritual that funnily enough I found through Facebook. There’s this quiz about “which face of the goddess of love are you?” Taking the quiz connects you to the event, which started Monday and is a week long introspection where we try to love ourselves through the eyes of three goddesses.
It told me I was the face of the Magdalene… I am okay with this.
She is the archetype of the Divine Whore, which sounds like a contradiction, but she represents someone who is unapologetic for believing in her self-worth and her own beauty; someone comfortable with their sexuality. I can identify with most of that, though I struggle with believing in my self-worth… partially because every time I find someone outside of myself who (momentarily) seems to value me, it always seems to be false. Since this has been happening for a very long time, it has chipped away at my feelings of self-worth, but I’m trying to undo that damage.
That is my goal for the rest of the year. That is the shift I most want to see in myself. It’s already begun in all other aspects of my life; my love-life is the only place where I anticipate a struggle, but it’s apparent to me that it’s unlikely that I will find someone who will love me as I am, all of me, even with my quirks, so I must be the one who loves me.
This Mabon, may the Goddess open my eyes so that I may see:
For all that is bad, there is good.
For that which is despair, there is hope.
For the moments of pain, there are moments of love.
For all that falls, there is the chance to rise again.
May I find balance in my life
as I find it in my heart.
Merry Mabon, friends!