I’m tired of losing…

Late last night I posted about my epiphany and how I think I’d lost some friends because of that Last Guy… Today, I need to write a very short (for me) follow up about it, because it hurts. Because I’m frustrated, and since there are several people who aren’t speaking to me, I have nowhere else to vent it but on here.

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See, the Last Guy kept me a secret. I had written a couple posts about it because it bothered me. One of which a person responded to, to point out to me that he really didn’t respect me and he was keeping me a secret, and the stupid little thing that I saw as a sign wasn’t anything more than me being just that: stupid.

I had confronted him because on our date to the museum (which apparently wasn’t a date to him), he freaked out about the possibility of running into our friends. We discussed it, because it bothered me. He informed me that his real friends knew I existed, but that he only considered the people he knew in town to be acquaintances, because it took him a while to really make friends.

As part of that conversation, I told him I wouldn’t talk to any of our mutual friends about us dating, but I told him I wouldn’t lie to them if it came up, because to me they were friends.

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Somewhere, we even had this conversation in writing. Or parts of it. If I find it in the gargantuan archived backlog of our conversations, I’ll post it.

But when, after we discussed it, he told me that I was right and it shouldn’t matter, and we could tell our friends (we even went on a double date with a couple of our friends), and I told one of our mutual friends, that mutual friend told me that basically everybody had figured it out because he had stopped hanging out with everyone.

It didn’t occur to me at the time, but now, when I keep seeing pictures pop up in my Facebook feed of him with our mutual friends at events I wasn’t invited to, I think that perhaps the assumption was that was the reason he couldn’t hang out with our mutual friends.

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I don’t know if that’s true, but it reminds me of something one of my cousins said about my parents. She told me that some people in the family felt that my dad stopped doing family stuff because of my mom. As in she kept him from the family. I know that’s not true, but that was the family’s impression of the events…

Is that the impression of our friends?

If it is, it means that while I was legitimately worried about him keeping me a secret, a thing that I had written about on here, in several of the posts that he found offensive and so I deleted them, they were deciding that I was already the villain of this situation. And now that it’s over, while some of them were actually privy to some of the horrendous things he said, most of them don’t know that I was even hurt, or what I went through, what I lost.

It doesn’t matter to them. I just need to get over it.

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Well, I was over it, but now I realize that I’m not wanted (by the very people I considered to be my friends while he thought of them only as acquaintances) because of this situation, and now I have that loss to mourn as well.

I was told to just write it down and let it go. I was told that in response to me asking why everyone was telling me this wasn’t a big deal. I asked several questions: Why was I the one being made out to be the bad guy in this? How was it fair that he gets to go on with his happily ever after, and I have no choices in any of it?

And the response was just to let it go…

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As if my feelings were invalid, and my legitimate hurts, both physical and emotional were somehow unworthy of being acknowledged.

It’s hard enough for me to deal with my own feelings. They get jumbled and they’re so twisted in with my logic that I don’t always know how to explain either my feelings or my logic. They disrupt my entire being.

I don’t think writing them down and just tossing them away works for me. It doesn’t answer any of my questions. Doesn’t give me any kind of closure.

That is not how my brain works.

Especially not directly after being made to feel like garbage by the same man that they now all have chosen to include instead of me.

Anyway, I needed to get that out of my system before I went on my dates this afternoon/evening.

There was a great deal more manipulation going on than I was aware of, and eventually someone else will see it.

manipulation

Or, I’m wrong, and I was hurting  so badly that I couldn’t see how wrong I was; I needed a friendly shoulder to cry on and my “friends” chose instead to lecture me.

Either way, perhaps I’m better off without those types of friends… Just, one in particular was very dear to me, and it’s the loss of that one that makes me sad today.

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