This weekend, if we were talking over coffee, I’d tell you that my summer is almost up.
And I am decidedly not ready for it to be over!
I feel like my summer disappeared in three waves. First was summer school, which meant that I wasn’t really on break, but it was a thing I needed to do (I’ve already talked about why). I was getting up earlier, and staying to work later than I was even during the school year. My social life was wrapped up in that last guy, and I didn’t really feel like I had any free-time.
The second wave was the end with that last guy. It coincided pretty perfectly with the end of summer school, and it gave me some time to heal. I went home to see my family and relaxed, and cried, and all the other things you do when an important time ends.
I have to tell you that I still every now and then get that wave of anger over the whole ordeal because to me it was important, and to him, it wasn’t. He couldn’t let it be important for me. He needed it to be meaningless, needed to remind me that it was unimportant and that it wasn’t anything of value to him.
And I’m angry about that!
Plus, this week I came to the realization that I may have lost a friend or two over the whole thing. Not including the guy himself.
Our one mutual friend who I felt I could speak to about this didn’t seem to understand that I needed to mourn it. It was a big deal to me, and the way the guy handled it, felt like a betrayal of what had been there. The things he said to me were hurtful, and incongruous to the person I thought he was. I needed a friend who could accept that I was hurt, and not tell me to just get over it. I didn’t need someone trying to tell me that he was a good guy and so, while it was sad, I had to accept the way things were…
I needed someone who could let me grieve, and who wasn’t going to try to convince me that this guy was a good guy.
Because he isn’t…
He offered to trade one life for another, literally, because people are interchangeable to him. We’re all just things to be used to him. That is not a good guy. In his own words, he doesn’t form attachments to anyone.
Point being, like I said, I think I’ve lost a friend or two over the whole ordeal because I needed to mourn something none of them were really aware even existed because I was stupid enough to honor his wish not to really tell any of our mutual friends about it. And I don’t want to complain about him to our mutual friends, but I can’t stand being told that it’s just not that big a deal. It was a big deal. To me it was a big deal. The things that happened, especially at the end, were a big deal. The hurtful things he purposefully said, were a big fucking deal…
And it took up a good portion of the middle part of my summer to get through it.
Now that I’m through it, or at least mostly through it (the fact that I still get angry means I’m not 100% out of the water yet), I’ve been more seriously putting myself out there. I’ve mentioned a few times that I’ve gotten onto Bumble and that I’ve made a few matches that seem promising.
They’re still around, mostly. There are three that I’m still talking to, two of which I’ve met face to face, but my first bumble bee, you know, the alcoholic, is gone for sure.
Last we talked, he and I had been on three dates, he’d drunk an unhealthy amount of alcohol on all three dates, and he’d gotten sloppy drunk on two of them. My brother had tried to convince me to give him at least 3 chances to prove that it wasn’t really a problem, and I’d decided to at least give him one more shot.
This last week was insanely busy for him, so although we were supposed to get together on Wednesday, he pushed it to Friday. When I tried to get him to make set plans, he said he wanted to just chill at his house because it’s been a hard week.
This is reasonable. We had discussed, however that I’m not comfortable with the drinking, so I asked him point blank if we were going to be doing drinking like we have the last couple of times. He responded by saying “not like before, but it has been a loooooong week, and a drink is needed.”
Also reasonable, but twice now he’s proven to me that when he’s comfortable at his house, he can’t control his drinking, and I really want to spend some time with him when alcohol is not the focal point of our time together. So I offered that we could get together later in the weekend if he needed a night to kind of unwind.
And I haven’t heard from him since. I tried a couple of times to talk, and no response. Even called to see if maybe that would be easier, and he rejected the call. It rang once or twice and then went to voicemail. I didn’t leave a message.
A man who gets upset because I was trying to spend quality time instead of drunk time with him is not a guy I’m going to cry over. I’m just sad because he was seemingly a nice guy with his shit together, ready for a commitment, and that I am attracted to.
That’s what I need right now.
The other guys… two of them I’m not so sure I’m attracted to.
In fact, the one who took me out just yesterday, I know I’m not physically attracted to him. He did that puppy dog, effeminate head tilt and swoon-like sigh during dinner, and kept moving his hand toward the middle of the table and then pulling it back again . I think he was trying to grab my hand, but I wasn’t moving my hand close enough for him to grab because we’d just met.
The conversation was alright, but at some point, I was aware that I was bored. He made a comment about Atlas Shrugged, which I love, but not for the reason most people who like it, like it. I responded to the comment and we began a conversation, a good conversation even, one that I was kind of excited about. And then, in the very middle of me making my main point, he interrupted me to tell me how sexy it was that I could remember all the character names and plot points.
It derailed my mental choo choo. And we never came back to finish the conversation, and yet it sat in the back of my head, and I was frustrated that I couldn’t finish my point. Between that and the boredom at some of the other topics, and the mildly disturbing sighing, I’m very certainly not attracted to him.
Plus, there was just no spark. He kind of reminds me of my younger cousin, and in fact they have the same name. I’m just not attracted to him. I feel like I should give him a shot because he is a nice guy, with his shit together, and that’s what I need right now… but he texted me earlier today, telling me that he’d been thinking about me, and I involuntarily let out an “ew.”
I’m not sure I’ve ever had that feeling where I was grossed out by a guy being interested before. Not to the point of involuntary revulsion.
I’m having a similar feeling about the guy who I haven’t met yet. He’s the one who I mentioned I thought was just looking for a significant other without worrying about things like personality… We’re supposed to go out this coming week, but I’m not excited.
The third guy is the one that I really think is only looking for fun, but he’s the one I’m most attracted to. Because I was convinced I shouldn’t give him a shot (not trying to be someone’s toy at the moment), I deleted him from my match list on Bumble. Then, began to think better of it when it became obvious that the Alcoholic was going to be a bust, and that I wasn’t really attracted to the other two.
So, I did a thing I’m not proud of. I went to where he works. It’s a restaurant that I like, and he’s a bartender there, so I could sit at the bar. I didn’t say anything at first; I wanted to see if he recognized me, and he did. I explained that I had “accidentally” deleted him, and vaguely remembered that this is where he said he worked. He took my number… and my email (because he lost his phone while out of the country recently, apparently), and we had some fun talk while he worked and I got a little tipsy…
No more than three drinks, though. That seems to be my limit.
The ball is in his court now, as they say. We’ll see if it goes anywhere. I really hope it does. I find him very sexy, and interesting as well. I’d like to have a real conversation when he’s not busy and see if there’s any hope.
But that’s it for this week. My summer is almost over, and I’ve been actively dating again. I’m a bit frustrated with both situations, to be honest, but what is there to do?
I’ve got three and a half days to get ready for the new school year, and to get my routine back to normal, while dealing with boys. Hmmm…
Hope your week has been more interesting and less frustrating… See you next week!