Back on Track (again… maybe)

I managed to miss the weekend coffee share. I feel a little bad about that, but I posted on the Friday before, and now it’s the Monday after and I’m posting again, so you get more, even though I forgot…

With only 2 weeks and some change until teachers have to go back, I’m trying to get back into some sort of routine. Thus far, this summer was well routined during summer school, but then I took about a week to recuperate, which was destroyed with all the guy drama, and then over a week visiting family and friends in my hometown, and I just finished a week or so of binge watching shows and eating horrible food.

And nowhere in there did I write…

So, now we’re going to try really hard to get back on track.

backontrack.jpg

After all, my life cannot exist in this level of chaos when the school year starts.

As such, this week will be about getting all of the things going again. I know that sounds vague… So, right now I don’t have a set sleep time, nor do I have a set menu, or a set group of activities, or set days for said activities. This week is for taking stock of what exactly do I need to get done on a daily basis and getting certain days set for certain activities.

Like, I really like it when Monday is my wash day, so I’m going to try to do laundry today to set that as my wash day. With my GwynnieBee subscription, I always have new stuff to try out, so I’m not worried about not having an outfit for a Monday, but I do tend to run out of things like, oh I don’t know, undergarments! So today I will do my laundry.

laundry

I’ve already set Wednesday as my grading day. I have to stay late on Wednesdays for EPLT anyway. Don’t ask me what it stands for… I would guess it’s something “planning lesson time.” It only makes sense that while I’m already there, I’d get grading out of the way and posted into the computer. Especially since (in theory) I’ll be near my team and won’t have to walk halfway across the school to get from my planning meeting to my classroom.

The only other day that has something set is Sunday, which is the new day of my weekly Twitter chat. If you’re a writer, I invite you to come check it out. We talk about various topics involving the writing process, or specifically about ideas to add into our works in progress (or WIP). Last weekend, we talked about Flashback, and so next week we’ll talk about the opposite end of the spectrum with foreshadowing.

I guess, technically it doesn’t have to be the opposite end of the spectrum; you can do some foreshadowing in a flashback, but since one deals with the past and the other is about giving hints to the future, they seem diametrically opposed…

Either way, you’re invited to come check it out… if you’re interested.

foreshadow

So what other things do I need to include for this week? I’m not so worried about times yet; that’s next week’s hurdle. This week, I want to work on getting back to healthy eating and exercising. I got on the scale last week, and I’m almost back to my heaviest point. I hate being there.

So, to fix it, I went back to Weightwatchers. If I’m honest, I did it because I got an email talking about how if I signed up I’d get a new Fitbit, and I think those things are neat… even though I don’t think they actually go with anything I own, and on an aesthetic level, I hate them. I like the idea of what they can do, though, so I signed up.

My mom bought me an offbrand one a long while back, and I liked it, but it didn’t sync with any of my stuff, so I didn’t really know what it was capable of, or if it would actually help me to get back on track healthwise.

I need a new phone (I’ve got money set aside for next paycheck), so this one might not sync properly for a while either, but it will sync with the Weightwatchers stuff, so I can use some of it.

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I know I’ve been unbelievably sedentary lately. For a while, actually, and with the fiasco that was the last guy’s meal plan, I’ve gotten away from the low calorie, low sodium, low fat eating that I really need given how bad my blood pressure already is.

My health wasn’t good before, but I’ve spent the last couple of years in survival mode because my housing situation was unstable at best, and with confirming the Asperger’s (or whatever it’s called now), just trying to prove that I’m not crazy, and that I can handle stress without absolutely cratering…

It’s been a rough road.

roughroad

A road made more difficult because I keep trying to have a healthy relationship in the middle of it all. Mostly because I need someone to help keep me centered sometimes.

I’ve been tired of doing things all on my own for a while now. Not that I want some man to come and solve all of my problems. That was never what it was. Just that I would like someone who would be my cheerleader. A shoulder to cry on when I need one. Not to fix me, or to fix my problem, but someone that every once in a while, just… let’s me show my weakness without thinking less of me for it.

And wants to be am equal partner in our adventure as an actual couple.

There was an article that I linked to in my last post, that talks about how, for those of us on the Spectrum, it’s hard to make friends. That we put ourselves out there so much and then find out that we’re not valued as much as the other “friends” because we’re seen as different or odd. It’s hurtful. And I think that’s a lot of what my problem is with my relationships.

loveme

I put myself out there, expecting it to be equal, and it never is because giving “my all” just let’s the other person know they can manipulate me, or take advantage of me because I want so badly to be accepted (as I am, that’s an important point), that I’ll find some way to see the blame as mine when they treat me badly.

Logically, it must be me, right? I’m the common denominator in all the equations. I’m the one that they tell isn’t worthy of love, never good enough… I don’t look right, or am too emotional, or too clingy, or not the right ethnicity, or pick your descriptor. I’m just never worth the effort to most of them. They don’t see me as a person. Don’t see all the intricacies of my personality, and what’s worse: they don’t want to.

It’s done some damage to the way I view myself, and that is also something that needs to get back on track, post haste!

selflove

The new guy might actually be able to help with that, actually. Not that I’m expecting him to undue over a decade of bad treatment by the previous men in my life (or even just the last 5 years worth), but on our date the other day, he treated me differently than I’ve ever been treated by someone who was romantically interested in me, and that’s a good sign, I think.

We spent about 5 hours at a pub talking, and he never once looked at my tits (which were very easily visible due to the cut of my dress), and when (after 4 hours of sitting without a sign of whether or not he was interested in me) I asked what came next, he seemed a little nervous. Turns out he was afraid I was hinting that we needed to go back to his place, and that was something that he just doesn’t due on a first date, and finds unbelievable that people do such a thing.

I wasn’t hinting at that, for the record. I was simply trying to figure out if he really intended to just keep sitting in the same place and talk… I was enjoying myself, but because I was unsure what to do with myself, I managed to rub the skin off of my elbow on the table somehow, and my butt was going to sleep from sitting…

Anyway, my point is that he seems to be a nice guy. I didn’t think those existed anymore.

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All of my friends tried to tell me the last guy was a nice guy, and well, he proved that to be untrue, at least as far as dating is concerned. Then again, that’s because to him we weren’t dating, I was nothing to him except for what he could use me for, and since he paid when we went out, more often than I did at least, I guess he figured he was paying for it.

I have very little respect for him left.

Towards the end there, he offered me the option of “validation” or sex… I didn’t want “validation;” I wanted him to be honest about how he felt because it seemed obvious to everyone I spoke to that he felt something, but that’s just because he’s good at faking emotions.

There’s a long list of things he did that bothered me, and every now and then it does flare up as anger within me. Just for a moment.

I think I need to add that to the list of things I need to work on…

todolist

Wish me luck!

 

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