Or maybe it begins again…
While I have been on Tinder for a while, or, more accurately, back on Tinder, I’ve given up on it and gone completely over to Bumble. The conversations are better, the men are more respectful (and more attractive), and because I have to make the first move, I get to set the pace and topic of the conversation. That’s been nice.
There haven’t been a whole lot of requests for naughty pics, and I have yet to receive a single dick pic! I find this an interesting development given that Bumble offers a Snapchat style picture option, that requires you to hold your finger on the picture in order to see it. It seems more likely to promote the unsolicited dick pic, except that Bumble is really about protecting the women who use it. I imagine that if you get flagged for sending a dick pic, you’d be kicked off Bumble, though I don’t know that for a fact.
I’ve swiped through probably 100 guys, and attempted conversations with about 30 of them. Of those 30, about 15 attempted to communicate back, and of those 15, I’ve narrowed it down to about 4 that I think are worth the effort.
Well… there were 4, one of them I just haven’t figured out how to politely get rid of him, and I hate ghosting.
That one, the one I want to get rid of, is a teacher as well, which is why I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he’s a P.E. teacher for the younger grades, and somehow even though he teaches the little ones, he still has that coach mentality. You know, that hyper-masculine, old school alpha male mentality that makes me think that his idea of a good time is him watching football while I keep my mouth busy in some way other than talking.
He started out interesting enough, but he keeps trying to bring the conversation back to sex in as polite a way as he can manage, and he usually ends up failing miserably at being polite.
Like I said, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt because he’s a teacher, and it would be nice to be with someone who understood my daily struggles, or who had the same vacation time as I did so we could do stuff in the summer or over Christmas.
I’m no longer thinking short term, because I haven’t wanted to think short term for some time now. I was always forced to do so because of the guys I was dating. Almost all of them would give me that “let’s see what develops” speech, which makes sense in theory, but always ends up with them telling me that I’m moving too fast.
It doesn’t take that long to determine what you want, and I guess I just have a bad habit of believing that when there’s a connection that men are willing to accept that as a reason to look at things more long term. I’ve drastically underestimated how afraid many men are of commitment. Maybe there’s a reason for all those weird bridal cake toppers…
Back to my list…
Two of the guys who’ve made the cut are of Indian descent. Given my most recent experience, that gives me a great deal of pause. One intrigued me a great deal with his conversation, and then as soon as we began actually talking verbally on the phone, he immediately took it to a sexual place. When I expressed my discomfort with the change in conversation, he basically suggested that I had to try in order to please him.
Not basically… he said just that!
And when he tried to force me into a phone sex conversation, and I got a bit angry with him and told him again that I wasn’t comfortable, he went on about how he didn’t mean to offend, because knowing that he offended me would do the opposite of turn him on. Our first conversation had been several hours long, and was very nice. Yet, with our second conversation, he never allowed it to be a real conversation. Instead he brought it back to a sexy place, and I let him talk dirty until he’d managed to please himself, and then told him goodnight.
Probably I should have hung up, but I really hate the ghosting thing, and I can’t see how hanging up on someone is any better. In hindsight, that’s a little stupid, but at the time I was just so shocked that he would continue after telling me that offending me was not what he wanted to do even though that was exactly what he was doing, I didn’t know what to say or do.
I haven’t heard from him since.
Meanwhile, the other Indian guy hasn’t said much of anything. He did tell me that he is divorced, and so he isn’t concerned at all about my ethnicity.
That’s a comfort, but the lack of conversation bothers me a great deal. Bothers me more than the other guy forcing a sexual conversation, actually. At least with that guy I know he’s interested in something! This guy wanted to meet me for drinks, but changed the venue a couple of times, the last one being a place that I know isn’t really good for conversation. It’s too loud. So, conversation is not a key factor of what he’s looking for, and that is not okay.
I need someone who is interested in me because he likes my personality. I want someone who wants to be with ME and not just some random female. I’m tired of being with men who don’t care who I am because it’s more about what I can do for them…
Which kind of brings us to the last guy. He hasn’t asked for a single naughty picture. He hasn’t offered a single naughty picture. He’s been willing to discuss nerdy things with me. In fact, today he told me that since I “swung both ways (both Trek and Star Wars),” and knew who Gene Roddenberry was, that I could just mail him the wedding date and he’d be there.
He also, however, hasn’t actually asked to meet me. I hinted that we needed to get together soon, and his response was that he was looking forward to that, but he didn’t actually ask me out.
So, there you have it, there are 4 new guys, although, if I’m really honest, it’s really just that one guy who I think has the staying power to keep my attention. It’s kind of a nice feeling to know that there are actually people who see me as something other than just a sexual object, people that want to know who I am as a person.
Or at least, one person who wants to know who I am as a person.
Maybe there is hope for me yet!