This weekend, if we were chit chatting over coffee, Mine would be in the form of an iced beverage. I’m thinking about heading to Starbucks to get my favorite Chai frappuccino (made with soy milk, add vanilla bean, and yes to the whip cream). I was pretty good this week, and I feel like I deserve a little treat.
After spending some time with my family, I’m back in Houston. It was a really good visit, but it is always nice to come back to my own space.
I didn’t get as much writing done as I’d hoped, but I did get some emotional healing out of the way. I feel better. I have friends who feel like I’m not done healing, and that may be true to some extent, but I am okay with the fact that I don’t have that guy in my life anymore. I am sad about the loss that came with that, but I am okay not having him in my life.
As I was attempting to explain to a friend of mine (a couple of my friends, actually), I am aware that the person I thought he was isn’t the person that he really is, and thus, I don’t need him. Don’t feel anything about him, particularly, but I do get angry when people keep trying to fix my feelings about the situation.
The thing that upsets me most about the situation is that he became kind of a jerk there at the end, and everyone acts like I just have to accept that.
Some people tell me it’s because I just don’t understand the culture. When he told me that it wasn’t ever about me or even about the girl he’s now planning to marry, to me that’s wrong. Marriage should be about love because it is who you will be spending the rest of your life with. His argument that it is about what is important for his family, makes very little sense to me because his family (as in parents) won’t be around forever, but a spouse will be there until death do you part… or at least in theory.
Maybe that’s an issue where I don’t understand the culture, and then that’s fine. I don’t understand the culture, and that is on me. But the way he handled things has been hurtful because of his lack of empathy. His basic lack of human emotion has bothered me, and it has become one of those puzzles for me.
My biggest fear has been that if I could misunderstand his actions, when even asking for help interpreting his actions from Neurotypical people, how will I ever find something real? It felt like there was a connection there, and that connection was what I needed out of the experience. For him to hammer it in as meanly as possible that there just wasn’t a connection, and it’s on me for mistakenly thinking there was, has tainted anything that was good about the experience.
That’s a direct quote, by the way. He told me “it was on [me]” for thinking that he had any feelings for me.
And why should it be acceptable for a person to say such a thing to another person?
No remorse for hurting me, no feeling of responsibility for causing any pain, emotional or physical or otherwise… and it irks me because it is so counter to all the sweet things he used to do. So which is real? The way he was, or the way he is now?
Why does it matter? Because I don’t want to think that I am that bad at reading people. I try so hard, and if I’m still so bad at it that I was fooled into thinking that the nice person who always asked me if I’d eaten, or asked if he hurt me during intimate moments, or listened when I rambled on about what was going on in my life… I was fooled into thinking that was the real person, when the guy who keeps telling me that he feels nothing, and that he doesn’t care, and is willing to pay for an abortion and then to follow that with IVF because he logicked his way into a solution that gives us both what we want (another near quote)… that guy is the real guy.
That paragraph is a mess, and I’m sorry. It just bothers me so very much to be that mistaken.
But let’s end that rant…
This week, I got back into the dating scene, a little bit. Not completely, but I decided to give Bumble a shot.
For those of you not in the know, Bumble is like Tinder, but women have to make the first move. So if you match, if the girl doesn’t say hello first, then after 24 hours, you automatically unmatch.
But the biggest thing I’ve actually noticed is that the level of conversation is considerably better! On Tinder, we have conversations about sex, and men trying to lie there way into sex. I’ll explain that in a little bit, but to remind you, this was one of my conversations on Tinder:
To get back to the lying thing. This is both a Tinder thing and a very frustrating thing that I’m being told is something that is to be expected from Indian men, and so maybe that explains a bit about my previous rant…
So I am apparently popular with Indian men. I’m racially ambiguous, and so I match with an odd variety of people, but lately there has been a high proportion of men of Indian descent.
There was the Candymerican (Canadian, Indian, American) who began by telling me he was glad that I liked to get to know someone before we met, to 2 days later telling me he felt I should send him nude pics, to agreeing to meet with me, to forgetting that we made plans to meet for coffee, and then tried to guilt me into sending him the aforementioned nude pics by telling me he understood if I was going to make excuses for not sending them.
I told him that he was mistaken; I wasn’t making excuses because excuses assumed that I owed him pictures, but in reality, since he forgot about our date, he owed me.
I haven’t heard back.
Then there was the married Indian guy. His profile said that he was looking for someone open-minded. I’m open-minded, but I don’t want to be the other woman. I’m tired of that being my reality, whether I know about it or even if I’m the one who came first… I always end up being the option, and not the main one. It’s very frustrating, and I’m not allowing it anymore. Thus, I asked him how open-minded did I need to be. Specifically asked if he was married or promised, and told him I wasn’t Indian and asked if that was an issue. He didn’t answer the question of whether or not he was married, but rather told me how thoughtful it was of me to check. I told him it wasn’t thoughtful, but that I have one rule: don’t lie to me. After a few lines of dialogue, he told me that if he were to get married, and then they went there separate ways, he’d lose everything because that is the way it is written…
Then after I was comfortable enough to give him my number, he told me that “As I told you, I’m married, so it’s not too late to back out now…”
I specifically asked and you did not tell me. That, my friend, is a lie, and that is my one deal breaker. He responded that he didn’t lie, and therefor it was on me for not understanding.
Three other Indian men intrigued me enough for us to start talking, and as soon as they found out I was American Indian instead of Indian American, they unmatched or simply ghosted.
Race shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but whatever.
All of those guys came from Tinder. Now, on Bumble, I’ve had one guy allude to a sexual encounter, but he hasn’t outright asked me for it yet. Meanwhile, the others have all had serious, intellectual conversations with me. One, just today, asked me this beautiful question:
Another had lots to say, and later, went on to talk to me about book conventions, and to suggest a few I might enjoy. He told me he loved nerding out about books!
Yes, I think it is very safe to say that Bumble is better than Tinder!
In other news from my week, I had a Mary Kay party last night, and I’ve gotten my nails done. So I’ve been pampering myself and the rest of this weekend is for planning and prepping. Next week, I intend to get back on a schedule. My summer’s running out fast.
Thanks for bearing with me while I discuss what’s on my mind, and wish me luck getting back into the dating thing. Luckily, most of the guys haven’t been too pushy, and I’m not talking to the ones who are, so that’s a plus. I’m feeling better about it all, just sad I was wrong about the last one, but I suppose that will pass.
It will, won’t it?