Sometimes it takes a change of scenery to realize that your world has become out of focus. Spending the last few days at home has helped me to realize that I haven’t had my priorities 100% in the right place. I’ve been spending too much time trying to figure out what was going on with a man who didn’t even see me as a person, so I’ve let important things, like my writing, sit on the back burner.
Now, we’re 11 days into Camp NaNoWriMo, and I’ve only written for 2 days. I’m about 9,500 words behind schedule, and I’ve lost my focus a bit.
But it’s not too late.
Some of you may know that I host a Twitter chat on Sunday mornings (used to be Thursday evenings) under the hashtag #JustAddTea. This past weekend, as part of that chat and another one I participate in on the same day, a question about goals came up. It was specifically about writing goals, but it got me thinking…
My chat started as just an idea to meet new people after I realized that I was making loads of friends by participating in Twitter chats online. And since I’ve been in Houston, my friendship making skills have been a little shaky.
If you’ll permit a slight detour for a moment…
I’m good at making acquaintances, because I’m good at fulfilling a role for certain situations. I know that certain people like to talk to me about certain things, and as such I’ve compartmentalized my friends into groups based on the interest that I have that I can talk with them about. As such, I have three main groups: those with whom I discuss my dating life, those with whom I can talk nerdy, and my teacher friends.
The first group is somewhat dwindling because I fulfill that need on here, and also because it seems the most superficial. I have never been one of those people that actually needed a man to feel whole, though, I’m not gonna lie, I am very tired of doing “this” on my own.
Whatever “this” is…
I think it’s because I’m ready to go onto the next phase of my life that I fixate a little on relationships. I really am ready to settle down, and so I over-analyze situations with the men in my life because I’m always confused as to what their intentions are… Even when they say one thing, I’ve been lied to so much, that I don’t always know whether what they say is what they mean.
That’s one of the reasons I put things on here in the first place: to go through it again and see if I can figure out what’s going on, and to occasionally get a second opinion from someone neutral, looking in from the outside. Someone who doesn’t know me or the guy in question, and can help me see the truth of things.
Sometimes it ends up going to extremes, because I get excited when I think things are going well. And I determine things are going well because of the frequency of seeing each other, and the ways in which we interact. With the last one, I was sure he felt something because we fell into a routine rather easily. We very quickly jumped into seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week, and we spent most weekends together.
That first time he was shocked that I wasn’t spending the night felt like it was significant. It felt like he had gotten to a point of comfort with me that meant we’d crossed a line into something more real.
And I shared it, to work through my feelings about it, and to get some feedback about whether or not it was as significant as I thought it was. I would ask male friends of mine, too, subsequently creating a new category of friends that were specifically male with whom I discuss my relationships. All of them, every last one of them, assured me that his actions showed that he felt something that perhaps he wasn’t ready to admit to feeling.
And every one of them told me I couldn’t be the one to point out to him that he felt something because he would react badly…
We definitely saw that, didn’t we?!
My point (to get back on topic) is that I analyze and over-analyze and re-analyze because I’m not good at understanding a person’s motivations.
That’s the Asperger’s.
I can check my mental catalog of facial expressions, and things I’ve seen in romance movies or read in books, to see what certain things mean, but I can’t determine them on my own. Sometimes I think I have it figured out, but with men, I am so often wrong, that it ends up taking over my life as I try to figure it out and begin to doubt myself.
Or worse! I don’t doubt myself only to find out that I am so very, very wrong… and the rest of my life ends up out of focus.
So, that detour kind of took over this post…
What is it that I want out of my life at the moment? That is the question.
For the rest of the summer, I want to work on my writing. I need to get caught up on my Camp NaNoWriMo project.
It’s a project that I keep telling myself I’m going to do, because I like the idea of the story: one of those perfectionist, powersuit business women (you know, the antithesis of a hipster) can’t find love, and she’s stuck bouncing from Tinderfella to Tinderfella because she doesn’t really believe in love, nor does she have time for it, but this older lady at her local diner keeps telling her stories about her love life and helps the younger woman realizes that she needs to make time for love.
In my head, it’s a series of little disheveled vignettes told in a diner, contrasted by the continuous story of a woman who seemingly has it all together…
I just hope I’ve got the skill to write it out well.
As for my dating life… Part of me wants to jump right back in. While I’m still physically healing, emotionally I don’t miss him. I miss the idea of him, the idea of a future I could see, but I don’t miss him because I know the person I thought he was isn’t at all who he is. I was wrong, very wrong and the things that I liked weren’t the truth of him.
A friend of mine told me once (when I was trying to explain that I didn’t think he was capable of loving me with the passion I wanted), that he was giving me that passion that I wanted, because that was what I liked about the situation. And while that’s true, I wanted it to be real. I wanted him to feel something behind it, and when he tells me that he doesn’t feel anything, it confuses and hurts me. I struggle too much trying to understand people as it is. I certainly don’t need the added stress of determining whether or not a person’s actions are fake as well as their words.
The result is that my feelings for him turned off. That happened once before, when I was interested in a guy, and then when he was in a healthy relationship, and I wasn’t worried about him being okay anymore, it was like someone flipped a switch. I no longer was romantically interested in him. He was happy, and I was happy for him. All romantic feelings were gone.
Now, it is similar. I can see that I was wrong and, while I can think back on a few beautiful moments and miss those, it’s overshadowed by a loss and his heartless words about the situation surrounding that loss, and all those romantic feelings are just gone.
So, I want to find something that felt as comfortable and familiar, but that it’s real. As such, my goal is to move slower with the next one. Whoever he may be.
To recap: I want to focus primarily on my writing, but also get back in the saddle dating wise, with the big goal of going slower and not repeating the same mistake I made with this last guy. In other words, I’ll take my roommate’s advice: trust their words, and if the words and actions don’t match, RUN!
Since this post ended up being more about relationships, I’ll try to come back tomorrow and write about my writing goals.
What are some goals that y’all have? Summer is a great time for re-evaluating things and refocusing.