If we were talking over caffeinated beverages, mine would probably be a Pepsi today. I’m home visiting my mother, who recently had surgery (and also just had her birthday on the 4th), and she’s not a coffee or a tea drinker. But, because my grandmother buys everything in bulk, the house is well stocked in Pepsi… which, if I’m honest, I have always preferred to Coke.
Shhh! Don’t tell anyone! I’m from Texas, where we don’t call it “soda” or “pop;” in Texas, you ask someone what kind of “Coke” do they want. Coke and Dr. Pepper are like the state beverages.
So in my world things have been… hectic I think is the best word for it. I had big plans to get caught up on my writing over the summer. I thought, “I’ll have plenty of time!”
But that hasn’t been the reality.
First, I thought I wasn’t going to do summer school. I really needed the break, but it’s turned out to be something I really needed. My finances are finally moving in a positive direction again. Or at least for the moment. I do have some things that I have to take care of that might put me back at neutral, but right now, I have enough to take my mother and I out for a mani-pedi and also to the movies.
Summer School may have been necessary, but it was also a bit of a time suck. I had to be at the school at 6:30 in the morning (which was good practice for the school year, if I’m honest), and, like I’ve explained before, there were some pretty late days, particularly Wednesdays because we had to have grades posted every Wednesday night. Though, I like that routine. I may make Wednesdays my grading night during the regular school year.
I need to have a better routine anyway.
Then, the rest of my time (at least for a while) was split between just decompressing (i.e. playing the Sims 4) and spending time with that last guy.
No, he doesn’t have a nickname. I had given him the Ex’s old nickname, and I had thought that perhaps that jinxed it, but I think it was because, subconsciously, I knew they were too much alike. Both could convince me with their actions that there was something there, and both of them, when I asked them about it, told me that I was just totally wrong.
Or rather, the Ex had originally told me that I was wrong, and then later told me that he had been interested, but lost interest. This guy originally told me that he felt something, that it was special but just not special enough, and then, by the end, was telling me that he didn’t feel anything, which sometimes he changes to he doesn’t “feel the same” as I feel for him.
He’ll tell me that there are shades of grey between “madly in love” (which is a term I’ve never used in regards to him, neither in reference to his feelings for me or my feelings for him), and feeling nothing… but he doesn’t quantify where he is on this supposed spectrum, leaving me to determine where I fit based on how his actions have changed.
I’ve concluded he’s just not as nice a guy as I thought he was.
I’ve come to that conclusion because of some of the things he’s said in the last few weeks. Things I’ve already discussed on here, so there’s no reason to go into most of it again.
This is, after all, supposed to be about what’s going on in my life this week.
My point in bringing it up was that he also has been something of a time suck, and one that almost had long-lasting repercussions. The emotional stress he put me through this week, during our last two or three conversations did a real number on my body, and as a result, the one good thing that could have come from the flaming dumpster fire of that situation isn’t going to happen…
And that is a sadness I’m not really ready to talk about, but it seems I have to a little bit. I have to say that, no, I didn’t have an abortion, as it seems I accidentally implied such a thing in my last post.
The short version is this: he asked me to get one (even offered to pay for it and to pay for me to go through IVF later… so long as it wasn’t his kid, I guess), and it upset me, upset me enough that it made me hot all over and raised my blood pressure. During our last conversations and even when I would retell them I would begin to cramp. A friend told me I should only worry about whether or not I wanted to keep it, and I knew that I did, even though it would be hard to do on my own.
And also iffy because one of my medications for my blood pressure could be dangerous. I had/have an appointment for next week specifically so I could discuss my options as far as my meds were concerned.
And then I started bleeding. Enough so that I’m sure it’s gone. I still have my appointment for next week just to be sure.
I’m trying to focus on the positive right now. Which was why I wasn’t going to discuss it, but I don’t want it mistaken that I ever intended to have an abortion, and since someone was wishing me luck with that very thing (because “it was for the best…”), I felt I needed to address it. Apparently things get very twisted when I try to talk around a topic. It’s why straight forward communication is preferred.
So, back to the positives.
The last few days have been relatively nice… considering. I made it home and went with a friend of mine from high school to see Neil Gaiman talk at his event in Austin. We got somewhat dressed up (I forgot to reapply my make-up), went early enough to get some relatively tasty food at Hooters (the pretzels were delicious… wasn’t impressed with my salad), got some signed books, and then enjoyed over 2 hours of Neil Gaiman talking and reading.
Our seats were close enough that you could see him without binoculars, but far enough away that it wasn’t uncomfortable. And it was truly an awesome experience to hear one of my idols talk about his process! He even read some never before heard stuff! He read scenes that had to be deleted from the upcoming (the cast hasn’t even been announced yet) Bad Omens script!
It was AMAZING!
And yesterday was spent mostly relaxing with friends and family. There was a reunion with my dog. He seems to have missed me terribly, and I do miss him. And there’s a new kitten who keeps attacking my hand as part of his training to become a vicious hunter!
It’s been surprisingly good to be home.
And maybe I’ll even get a little writing done…
So that’s been my week. There were some pretty big downs, but also some decent sized ups as well. For the most part, I’m doing alright. I may be still in shock, or lying to myself, but I’ve taken solace in the idea that this was the answer to my prayer to see the truth of things. I needed to know that not only was I something interchangeable to him, but that a child was as well, if it inconvenienced him.
I hope everyone else’s week had more positives than mine, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I learn to read people better. And soon!