I’m finding myself at a loss for words. I keep thinking that in this day and age, when we can choose everything about every little facet of our lives, from the food we eat, and the clothes we wear, to whether or not we want to be male or female, it must be allowable to choose whom we love.
And I suppose that’s not the issue.
At least not for me… I know that there are plenty who still feel ostracized for whom they love. It’s why it is still important to celebrate LGBTQ (and all the other new letters I know I’m missing) Pride.
The issue for me, however, isn’t so much about the choosing who to love, but more about how they choose to act on it. Letting someone know how you feel, so that they truly understand how important they are. Showing your love and your pride of your choice so that others may see and know that this is someone whom you value. That is of a great deal of import to me.
Mostly because for me it is seemingly always one-sided.
I will admit I am guilty of acting on it more than I should. When I feel something, I feel it through and through, and I have no qualms about showing it. It is more important to me to share my love with the world, when I feel it, than it is to hide and keep such a beautiful thing to myself.
I will always be that girl who sings the praises of her lover. I’m the girl who tells her lover how good looking they are, or how wonderful and amazing they are because, to me, it is important to tell someone the good things instead of focusing on the negative.
The Ex always told me that I only focused on the negative… He seems to have forgotten all the times I told him how handsome he was, or how great he was, or how much I cared about him.
This latest one didn’t appreciate when I gave him compliments. He’d say thank you, but told me that it meant that I felt too strongly for him.
We even had a misunderstanding about it, which he has used against me in arguments several times now.
See, I think that I began to see his belief that compliments meant I was attached as him not believing he was worthy of love because when someone gives me a compliment, it is hard for me to accept. I make excuses because I don’t believe that anyone really sees me as acceptable or lovable…
Being a person who is constantly made to feel that I am undeserving of love, I don’t want anyone else to feel that way. It means I compliment people when I think they look good, or if they do something really amazing.
I even do that for my students.
Or even students that I don’t know. I’m that teacher in the hallway that when I see a kid who has a great outfit (especially shoes), I tell them. I love to see them smile when they hear something positive. I love to see people smile, and to spread that positivity around. There is too much negative in the world for people not to compliment others when they deserve it.
As a side note, some of my Hispanic students have told me that I have to compliment someone if I like what I see because otherwise it will curse the person. If I like a girl’s hair and I don’t say anything, they believe it will fall out. They believe it strongly enough that they sometimes ask me to touch their hair to guarantee that it won’t fall out because I liked it.
It’s always better to offer positive remarks.
Some of us don’t hear them enough.
But, this latest guy, he didn’t appreciate it. It never occurred to him that I might just be a positive person. Instead, it was a sign that I was too attached. Which I was, but that wasn’t the way such a thing manifests. I would have complimented him regardless.
I found his assumption that a compliment was indicative of anything other than what I said to be insulting. Men often find things that I do to mean more than what they mean. On occasion, the thing they are concerned about is true (this being an example of that), but they assume that I have hidden motives for what I say and do, and I find that insulting.
As such, he took the positives and twisted them into something bad, something not quite whole, or pure. He was searching so hard for the hidden meaning of my actions, and was so busy telling me what I meant by certain things that he basically burnt a hole right through my heart, like a kid with a magnifying glass killing ants in the sunlight.
Sometimes analysis can be too much…
Made me feel bad for having done a good deed.
So it should have been no surprise to me that when I told him that I loved him that he would stomp on that and make me feel like I’d done a bad thing for loving him.
Shouldn’t love matter, though? Shouldn’t it be honored and revered? Shouldn’t we be spreading love so that others may know that there is some good in the world?
Instead I was simply an inconvenience. It was too bothersome for him that I loved him. It changed nothing, even if he felt something back, and while not as intensely, there was something there. His behaviors showed that, and he’d admitted there was something, though not the same.
My friends, coworkers, my roommate, and plenty of others who’ve read what happened (before I deleted so many posts out of respect to his wishes) told me that it was obvious how he felt. They said I shouldn’t push him to say what I knew was there because he was showing me how he felt through his actions.
And yet to him, it means nothing.
He made a decision before ever having met me, and that trumps all. Feelings, actions, protestations of love, none of it has value. In fact, they are all just an inconvenience to a plan. A plan that isn’t even his, but one he chose, before we met, and nothing about how anyone involved feels can interfere with the plan.
Love is meaningless.
And that is a thing I cannot abide by.
I will not be made to feel meaningless. I am through being used and unceremoniously tossed aside when things seem too intense. I love with my whole heart. Always have. And while I don’t require that love be returned, I will not have it treated as garbage.
I deserve better than that.
And love is entirely too important a thing.
It deserves to be shared and experienced. I will find someone who isn’t too afraid and too trapped by a dogma they don’t even believe in, someone who is willing to truly feel that kind of love that I want.
I’d have liked it to be him, but at the end of the day, what I want doesn’t matter to him, and I deserve someone who at the very least cares.
So, as I promised him, I don’t feel any animosity towards him. His actions? Absolutely! And I do feel a little like he was particularly mean and dishonest in the way he communicated with me, though he will not understand why I feel that way. Nor will it be a thing we’ll ever discuss, but the way in which he carefully picked and chose what to tell me directly impacted how I interacted with him and how I heard what he said.
I recognized that something was being held back, but I misinterpreted what that thing was based on his actions, and now I’m being called a liar because I changed my mind based on the evolution of my thought process and information that was constantly being modified. The core of the message was the same, and so to him, nothing changed, but for me, the change of information altered how I perceived the situation.
And I did love him…
Still do, for the moment, but he can never be what I need him to be, nor does he care to even try.
And that, that unwillingness to even try, is the biggest fuck you I’ve felt in a while.
I deserve better, even from those who would only want to be temporary lovers. I deserve to be loved back, because love is just too damned important!