This week, if we were discussing our lives over coffee, mine would be coffee ice cream. Or a mocha latte…. I’m craving sweet and chocolate today.
We’d also be discussing how things have finally turned around, and I’m very pleased about that!
To sum up, last weekend (the day after prom) the guy I’ve been seeing told me we were done because he’d read this blog. I talked him down somewhat (turns out he was really angry, but didn’t want to ruin prom for me), and he told me he needed time and space.
I’m not good with that….
So, Thursday night, after I posted about my impending rage-fest, I let it all out. I was trying not to let it get the better of me, but when one of my oldest friends (as in I’ve known her longer than any of the others, not that she’s older in years than all of my friends) told me that I needed to put my needs first, and that this was obviously causing me a level of distress that could be damaging given what’s going on in my work life at the moment, I had to do something.
After all, she was right.
I was about to pull my hair out, and sometimes when I get that level of stressed, I drop out of my life for a few days (which I can’t do right now) because it makes the whole world seem too daunting… especially since we’re at the end of the school year, and the kids are CRAZY right now.
I think there have been at least three times in the last week when I either wanted to strangle a student or secretly wished that a child just mysteriously disappeared.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my students, but at this time of the year, every day is like going into a mini war zone. Students are defiant and loud, the whole staff is on edge, and everyone is walking around in a bit of a zombie-like stupor with big, dark bags under their eyes.
So, no, waiting for a man, even one I am very fond of, to decide my fate without knowing if he had even attempted to hear/read my side of the story is not exactly the best for my emotional state. My anxiety level has kind of gone through the roof this week as I waited to hear if he’d made any kind of decision, and while I analyzed and re-analyzed my own actions to see if I had done every thing in my power to make amends. Or to determine if his ire was even rational.
I admit what I did was wrong, but I also feel it needs to be put on record that the thing he seems the most upset about was written during a time when I didn’t think this was going to be anything more than just two people keeping each other company with no real connection or possibility for longevity, which seems par for the course in my world.
I think it makes sense that I would feel that way. He’d let me know up front that this had no possibility of becoming a permanent situation, and even though it wasn’t the main cause for his upset, I should admit that I’d written about the specifics of what he’d said even though it was something that was supposed to be hush-hush.
Again, the time when I wrote about it was when it was unlikely that any of our mutual friends would have known who he was, so to me it was not that big of a deal, but I understand why he was upset. I acknowledge the error, and to make things right, I have changed the privacy settings on all those posts.
So, yeah, about 4 months of posts have all but disappeared.
It’s the least I could do.
I’m just glad that he actually talked to me about it so I could apologize and also explain my situation. In so doing, he also gave me an equal opportunity to determine the fate of where this relationship is going… something none of the men in my past have done.
See, in the past, it’s been some man telling me that he thought I was too attached, or that I wanted too much and then just tossing me aside. There have been different reasons why I seem so clingy, but I’ve been learning that some of it may be just how I deal with the world, and that may never be a thing that I can change. The man in my life becomes somewhat of a fixation because I want to know as much about him as possible, and I want to spend time with him as much as possible, too. The excitement phase for me is particularly intense, and it takes a while to wear off.
Many of the men I’ve dated couldn’t understand that. With this one, I tried to explain it to him, and in my explanation, I remember he’d thought I was trying to guilt trip him, but that was never the case.
More importantly, with this one, I’ve been calmer. I sometimes recognize the weird things I’m doing, and I tell him when I notice I’m doing something not neurotypical, and that helps. The fact that he hasn’t run screaming is a nice change for me.
It also helps me to feel calm.
Little things, like early on, when (because scheduling is such an important thing for me) I’d ask him when I could see him again, instead of accusing me of being smothering, he would simply tell me what day would be best to see him.
I remember one time in particular he smiled because I asked to see him again. I’m so used to guys freaking out because to them it means I’m being pushy or too needy (the Ex accused me of both) that to have someone actually happy that I’d asked was such a relief that I was able to do something that I’m not sure I’ve ever been able to do before: I quit needing to ask.
Yep. This is just one of a dozen reasons why this guy is so special to me!
I’ve gotten a bit sidetracked by how dreamy he is… Sorry for that.
Anyway, we discussed things on Thursday, and while they’re not 100% smooth, we have an understanding about what the boundaries are on this blog. As such, there might not be many posts mentioning my guy, but that’s not a bad thing. I’d already decided that he was going to be mostly off-limits here… which is why no nickname anymore.
One of the things that we discussed was that I was very mistaken when I assumed that him telling me he thought I was too attached meant that he was considering ending things between us. I can’t explain how much of a relief that is!
So, for now, it means that things are alright in my world. I can focus on finishing the school year instead of worrying about if I screwed up the first truly healthy relationship I’ve ever had. And that is something worth celebrating!
Hope your weeks were as positive as mine has turned out to be, and I’ll see you around the coffee share!