A friend told me that I needed to prepare to go through my angry phase of this whole experience. I thought he was making it up, or that maybe he was just an angry person, but maybe I’ve been going through it and wasn’t entirely aware of it.
Looking back at what I wrote yesterday, I was more angry than sad, though I think there was definitely sadness in there as well.
Sometimes it’s really hard when you feel so strongly about everything that you don’t always understand which emotion you’re feeling, and to say such a thing makes you feel broken…
There are a handful of emotions that I understand what they are when I experience them, even if I might not immediately understand why I feel them. The easiest is lust. I always recognize that one, and, unlike the average female, I can separate it from love, however, if some other positive emotion gets tangled up in the lust, that line between lust and love gets skewed somewhat.
The point being that I do understand somewhat why he (the guy I’m seeing) asked me for space because there was a lot to process. He was hit with 4 months of my feelings at once, and, as some of my friends seem to think, he had to determine what it was that he felt.
If that’s what he’s doing, then I do understand; it doesn’t make it seem any less logical to me, which is what makes me so angry about the situation, but I can identify with the need to figure out what one’s feelings are.
It’s one of the reasons I keep this blog.
While I might write in here how “dreamy” a guy is, I’m aware that that is an immature way to discuss such a thing, but I don’t have the social skill or the emotional acumen to describe it better. See, I am mentally about a 50 year old man, but emotionally I’m a teenage girl, and my sex drive is the equivalent of a frat boy… or at least the stereotype of a frat boy.
I tried to explain it to a coworker today, and then he tainted it by trying to do the math to see if it came up to be the right age…
See, I mostly have guy friends because I think more like a guy, and actually, I somewhat recently read an article that explained that girls with Aspergers Syndrome will score similarly to neurotypical boys their own age when undergoing neurological and personality tests.
It’s probably why I can disconnect love from lust and not feel particularly guilty about it.
It’s also probably why I don’t feel as much shame as I probably should when discussing it. To me this whole incident was a misunderstanding: I was sharing how certain things made me feel. I was bragging about them, really, and it wasn’t until I went back and re-read them through the filter of what I knew about the other person involved that I realized that it was too personal.
To me, I was very logically cataloging all the ways that proved that this situation was different from all the rest, and emotionally re-experiencing them, because when I remember something, it’s like getting to feel it all over again, even experiencing it again!
I would tell you that was a weird, unique thing of mine, but when I first started looking into this whole Aspie thing, I ran into a TED Talk where a woman was explaining the same thing, so it’s not that strange… just not exactly neurotypical.
If you watch the first 3 minutes or so, you’ll see what I mean.
After that, I start to lose interest because it’s not quite the same for me. The part where she talks about how she experiences the world through sounds and smells is right, but I don’t have the experience where someone will ask me a question and I won’t be able to hear it for weeks or months and then suddenly need to answer it.
If anything, I’m the opposite! I have to answer questions as soon as I hear them, even if it means interrupting my current thought.
And then I have to start that thought over again.
The result is that if, like today, too many people are talking, that I suddenly can’t function because all I can do is process the conversations, and I need a break, where I don’t talk to anyone for a while. I like to sit in the dark and listen to soothing sounds… which to me means that they are mathematically beautiful.
Strangely enough, I find that techno (I think specifically trance) music is really good because it is mathematically comforting. The rhythms and the tones are really relaxing, even though they don’t have any words to mean anything. This one is one of my favorite, and it is good for walking to. I used to listen to this one as part of my cool down after I would go jogging with my dog…
I miss my dog.
Today, I couldn’t sit in the dark and play music. I had to go do the tutorials for the football players, so instead, I found myself stimming by tapping my finger against my keys in rhythm with my steps, but at even faster than double time.
It did the trick.
See, I am not a wholly illogical person, or irrational (contrary to a thing my friendly coworker said yesterday that almost made me kill him). If anything, I am very logical and I think things through, usually. The night this guy and I first got together, I really had to think about whether or not it was a good idea, and almost talked myself out of it and didn’t go.
The things that happened that led to me going to his place were somewhat calculated. Not that I was planning anything, but the initiating incidents were strategically tried, to see if he was even interested… sort of like my pre-date dates that I sometimes go on, but on a much more intimate scale and at a much faster pace.
And his reaction didn’t disappoint.
The hunger, the passion, the desire in what happened next had me shaking in the car in anticipation. I still sometimes shake in anticipation of getting to spend time with him…
But I don’t know how he feels, and so I am frustrated by the constant rebuke for my own feelings. At least I’m honest about them. At least I’m willing to discuss them, and not make him wonder how I feel.
Hence I am in my angry phase!
Why am I being forced to wait for him to decide that I am worthy of an explanation of how he feels? Why don’t I have a right to defend myself while he analyzes the situation and determines whether or not I get to be happy? Why don’t I get an equal say in my future where he is concerned?
I get that he was surprised by 4 months of my feelings all at once, but he hit me with a “We have to talk,” message, asking me to drive the over an hour to his house so we could discuss it face to face, after basically lying to me about how things were so as to not ruin my prom experience, effectively giving me a perfect date only to end it… just like the Bartender!
On the one hand, maybe it means he cares because he didn’t want to ruin my prom. On the other, he blindsided me and is now making me wait while he decides my future, and I don’t think that’s fair.
All I ever wanted was a real relationship. I went in knowing it couldn’t last forever, but I wanted something that was real, where my feelings were returned by the other person. I wanted to feel beautiful, and loved, and cared for, and confident that things were on equal footing. I shared things because I kept having a doubt. I never knew how he felt, and still don’t. The one time I asked, he told me he didn’t feel anything… and it was like a knife right in my gut, because you don’t engage in that type of embrace when you don’t feel anything. It’s emotional fraud.
And if he legitimately never felt anything, then my sharing in order to figure out where I stood was valid and not wrong at all, because it means I was being used after all, and I had every right to seek other’s opinions in order to figure out that was true to save myself from being hurt further.
Everybody keeps telling me it’s all going to work out… well, what if he just doesn’t want it to work out? Then I’m sitting here analyzing every part of what I did versus what I could have done, and trying to figure out how to fix it, and he may not give two shits about how I feel about the situation.
I can’t believe that I’ve been looking for the same basic thing for so long, only to probably lose it because of a misunderstanding. But then again, maybe this guy is like all the rest, and I’ve let myself be fooled into feelings once again. Yeah, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but this waiting is killing me!