Space: The Struggle is Real

In my head, I hear the beginning of a Star Trek episode…

“These are the voyages of a high school teacher, her nearly constant struggle: to explore the dating world, to seek out true love from an upstanding man, to boldly feel what she has yet to feel before….”

Yeah, I know, I’m a nerd. If you haven’t figured that out by now, you’ve not been paying very much attention.

And if you don’t like that, this might not be a great post for you. We’re Star Trekkin’ it today.

So it’s the end of the school year, and I’m feeling a bit up-ended. I don’t know what the plan is for next year: I’ve not been offered a position, nor have I been told that I won’t have one… and yes, in theory I’d have been told by now ( a friend of mine was told by his school that he wasn’t welcome back well over a month ago…).

Plus, I had a bunch of ideas for what I was doing for the summer, but several of them involved a certain someone who I’m uncertain if I can include (my fault mostly), and I don’t exactly have anyone to talk to about what’s going on… And it will probably bite me in the butt if I keep writing about it on here.

See, the guy I’ve been seeing read my blog and apparently I put too much personal stuff in there, even though I use nicknames. I did screw up quite a bit and shared stuff I shouldn’t have, but I think mostly he’s overwhelmed by reading 4 months of my feelings all at once.

So, now he’s asked for space.

sky-lights-space-dark

Minimum of a week or two.

I’m not handling it well. I’m not good at the space thing. It makes no sense to me. Isn’t it better to talk things out? Hear them out loud and let the other person in on what’s going on so they’re not blindsided by everything? Clarify as you go so you’re not jumping to conclusions? Ugh…

I think it stems from the fact that quite a few guys I’ve dated in the past have accused me of making assumptions because I come to a logical conclusion about things they’ve done based on their behavior. They tell me I’m jumping to false conclusions when in reality I have inferred things were a certain way or other.

Meanwhile, they make all sorts of assumptions and jump to all kinds of conclusions about me and my feelings, but it’s okay if they do it…

It’s frustrating, and more so because it seems that the more upset they get with me, the more correct I actually am.

Like when the Artist got upset at me for calling him out when he’d flake on me, which was somewhat of a red flag because of the Ex. The Ex would do that regularly: say we would do a thing, and then the day of, he’d forget that we had plans.

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Speaking of the Ex, this whole experience has made me realize that the person who chastised me (on one of the posts that have since been removed) for giving the new guy the Ex’s old name might have a point. Going back and reading all the posts that have suddenly been getting fresh traffic, I realized that in my head was confusing them as I read about something about the Ex when he had the moniker of the Boy.

I think it is a thing that works when I’m talking to people who don’t know about the Ex at all, but perhaps not a good idea on here. For one thing, it is confusing for those who know of both people. For another, because there are so many negative things attached to the memories of the Ex, and also so many stupid mistakes I made with him, the name itself has in fact been tainted…

I had been afraid of that, but I allowed myself to get so caught up in the idea of the whole “Girl meets Boy,” idea (you know, as in the “Meet Cute”) that I wanted to be able to take the name and use it for any guy who seemingly had the traits I want in a partner.

Mostly though, I don’t want to continue to use that nickname because, if things work out the way I hope they will, I won’t have need for any nickname because I won’t be talking about him on here as much as I was.

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If things go the way I’d like, we’ll be back together, but he’ll be off-limits on this blog.

Before, I was talking about him because, well, I was afraid. I was wrapped up in how awesome and amazing he is, and yes, I wanted to share that, but also, he’s told me since the beginning that long term was not possible, so a part of me was afraid of how perfect he has been.

He is constantly surprising me with how perfect he is. It’s not fair that the only person I’ve ever dated that was this perfect for me is really not an option. But I’ve accepted that possibility. I’d like it to not be true, and I can hope that it isn’t 100% true, but if that’s the way it must be, that’s the way it shall be.

But he’s awfully perfect…

For that matter, the only flaw I’ve seen is that he doesn’t actually walk me to my car, something that’s considered a little bit rude in Texas. You don’t just let your lady walk to her car by herself… or even your female friend because you want to make sure she makes it safely to it.

Even my guy friends (both gay and straight) walk me to my car when we go places, especially after dark. Then, because I don’t think it’s fair to make them walk by themselves to their cars, I always drive them to their car so no one has to walk by themselves to a vehicle. It’s courtesy…

giveyoualift

Bonus points if you recognize this one.

But if that’s the only fault I can find, then I’m doing pretty good, wouldn’t you agree?

Thus, the two times he accused me of being too attached, I was afraid that he would get rid of me like all the rest. Afraid that he didn’t want me and was looking for an excuse to send me away.

The Ex did that.

It was what he said right before he completely stopped treating me like I was a person. He’d decided that I was too attached, but didn’t listen to me when I pointed out that I was reacting to how he treated me.

That man took me to meet his friends and to them referred to us as something of a unit, like when he told them we were going shopping later… he didn’t ask me if I had plans and needed to go shopping. He simply told his friends at Old Man Breakfast (OMB) that “we’re going shopping later,” and then told me to put it on the list for what we were doing that day. It made me feel like we were a unit because he was so comfortable with what we had that he assumed I was going to be available for whatever he needed, as if we’d been together and that comfortable with each other for months or longer… we’d been dating less than six weeks at that point.

So I reacted. I began thinking of us as a couple.

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He even at one point had me go to his apartment and pick up his newspaper so people wouldn’t realize he was out of town! He could have just paused the service, but instead he asked me to do it, and then told me to continue to go to OMB without him, pointing out that I could do the Sudoku out of the paper I was getting from his apartment.

In hindsight, that’s not a lover, that’s a secretary. Because we were romantically involved, it made me think we were getting serious; I embraced it because I enjoyed our time together.

When he told me he thought I wanted more than he did, I was so confused! Then to make things worse, he quit doing any of the sweet, romantic things that I’d liked. He and I struggled with what we were for a long time: lovers, friends, enemies, FWB’s… Even in spite of the gaslighting and lies and “untruths” to save my feelings, or any number of other things that were… unpleasant at best.

Thus, he’s been something of a case study for me, and the bar that I set to see if a man is truthful.

If we use the Ex as our example of when a guy is false, the new guy has been completely honest and up front, but he’s also given me something of a no win situation.

He gives me exactly what I want from a relationship, but if I’m too happy or complimentary, he tells me I’m too attached, and then I can feel my anxiety levels begin to rise. I find myself slipping on a mask when that happens because if I’m myself, then I’ll cry because I’m so tired of being the only one who cares. The only one who wants a relationship, something real.

The only one who feels anything from my interactions with the men I’ve been with.

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Here’s where it gets particularly confusing for me.

See, one of the arguments we had before was because I felt so strongly the similarities between him and the Ex, even to the point where I was a secret and my feelings were unimportant. Several things he’d said and done hurt me to my core because I thought (based on previous experience) that they meant that I was being played, that I was a fool for getting involved, and that all the things I liked about our arrangement were based on falsehoods.

But I didn’t jump to conclusions. Did I have doubt? Abso-fucking-lutely! But I asked. I sought clarification. I gave him the opportunity to show me whether or not he was true.

And unfortunately, I wrote it all out on here to see it all out and see if I was right or wrong. I needed to see it, and I needed someone to check my interpretations to see if I was right. Like the woman who told me I wasn’t over the Ex because I’d wanted to use his nickname again. While she was wrong about the reason I wanted to use the name, she wasn’t wrong about being a bad idea. One of the other things that she commented on was about a situation that to me was really telling because it showed that the new guy valued me and wanted to be equals, a thing that rarely happens in my relationships…

And in the past, I always settled for being subservient, because I didn’t feel like I was going to find anyone who thought me worthy, so when someone suggests that my needs are as important as his, it’s a big deal to me. However, in this case, the way I explained it, because I was trying to keep some of the more intimate details out of it, made her think that I was settling because the thing that excited me wasn’t worthy of the level of excitement I felt.

Not oversharing gave the impression that something that was very special and beautiful to me was really me settling for less than I deserve because my self-esteem and my sense of self-respect was so low. I’ve done that before, in most of my past relationships, actually, which is why I need people to help me interpret others’ actions sometimes. In this case, however, it wasn’t really true, but seemed that way because of the way I only hinted at certain details.

To clarify, I shared more, and then a seal had been broken and thus, somewhere in my head, it became okay to just keep sharing.

But, because he needs space, I’ll not be able to explain that to him… unless he chooses to read this while he’s going through his own introspection. He made a decision based on partial information, jumping to conclusions about my intentions and my feelings, and how I felt about him, but for me to do the same would be unforgivable, I think, based on things he’s said in our private conversations.

See? It’s an unwinnable situation!

kobayashimaru

If I like him, I can’t show it or else I risk him getting rid of me. If I try to defend what I feel because I think he’s worth it, I run the risk of oversharing, and because it’s for some reason a big deal if people know, then it’s an even bigger problem.

Did I overshare? Yes, but my intentions were good. Does it matter that my intentions were good? I don’t know.

And the kicker of it all? Again, some man is in charge of my fate, and I have absolutely no power over what will happen. I’m stuck twiddling my thumbs while I wait for someone else to decide if I’m allowed to be happy. I can’t express my feelings, or defend my actions, or even get an insight into what he’s thinking.

I hate feeling like a helpless woman.

I want to talk it out, and tell my side of things, and hear how he feels, and be totally honest with each other like we’ve been doing since the beginning. I want to fight for him, because I do think he’s worth it. And I want to get back to seeing him, and see where this goes!

*Sigh* I’m not dealing with this space thing very well…

spockcrumple

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