It’s not even been 72 hours since I was made aware of my relationship blunder, and already my heart and head have run the gambit.
For those of you who know me, you know I’m a big believer in signs, and several things have popped up lately to make me think I should have seen this coming. But even as I start to dwell on that, I’ll spot something on Facebook or Instagram that makes me think that I’m stupid for believing such a thing. Meanwhile my friends are there telling me to relax because while it was a rather big blunder, it’s also very obvious (to them… I’m not so sure) that things will work out positively.
And all in the middle of it all, several of the guys from my past have shown up almost as if the universe is testing me.
Testing me for what, I’m not entirely sure, but somehow this all feels like a test that I haven’t studied for.
I have dreams like that sometimes, where somehow I’m back in college and about to do a play, but, while I remember going to a few rehearsals, I don’t know any of my lines and am trying to convince myself that the words will just come to me because I’ve practiced them so long.
With those dreams, half the time, I end up panicking and will actually wake up in a cold sweat worrying that people noticed me ad libbing. To make matters worse, the ones where I have to ad lib are almost always done as theatre in the round, so the audience is on the stage with us, or there’s a camera backstage so I can’t sneak and look at my lines. The other half of the time, there are other actors/stage-crew trying to help me sneak the script on-stage because they’re aware that I was thrown into the play somewhat last minute, and they want the show to be successful.
Theatre was such a big part of my college and high school life, that performing badly is still a nightmare for me.
So, what is this test I feel I’m going through?
Well, just before I was informed that I’d been sharing too much on this blog (which, admittedly, that is pretty true; although my intentions weren’t bad, maybe that doesn’t matter), a few of the guys I’d thought were gone started showing up.
To start off, Mr. Quiet has been flirting more overtly, and he’s finding ways to be in my space again. It’s more frustrating than flattering because I think his main reason for being interested is simply that I’m not interested in him anymore. He asks me almost daily how am I doing, which some while back I decided was code for “do you want to play again?” I always respond with “I’m ok,” or “I’m good, I think.”
He informed me that I should know whether I’m ok or not because guys like things simple. Well… I don’t really care what “guys” like. There’s only one guy whose opinion matters to me at the moment, and it’s not Mr. Quiet. The man can’t even text properly, and while he proved his interest when he tried to wink at me while I was at prom (with the Boy standing beside me at that), he’s also proven himself to be too dumb to keep my attention!
So I’m cordial, but I’m not giving him any sort of hope.
Then, randomly, Gym Guy texted to see how I was. I haven’t heard from him in months, literal months! I believe the last time we spoke was in October, shortly after he dismissed me because physically I wasn’t what he was looking for.
He was the guy who took the menu away from me while we are at a restaurant, and commented that sometimes it was “ok to leave food on the plate…” or something to that effect.
He texted at like 3 in the morning, and when I saw it (the next morning), I asked who he was, even though my phone told me who it was. No, I didn’t save his number; I pay the $2 or $3 a month for T-Mobile to tell me who it is that is calling/texting me. He told me his name, and I replied again with “Who?” He thought that was funny, and said he guessed “it has been a while since we spoke,” and then gave me the nice version of our date… the one where he took the menu away from me so I wouldn’t order food.
I told him that “yeah, I didn’t think you were all that interested, and I’ve moved on…” Told him I’d been in a relationship for going on 4 months, though I was in my classroom, so I’m not sure it went through. In fact, I’m fairly sure it didn’t because he tried to ask me what I’d been up to, and instead of replying, I just deleted the whole conversation. I don’t have time for someone as disrespectful as him either.
He hasn’t texted since.
And lastly, Goodreads Guy recently tried to start up our randy email sessions again. I haven’t heard from him since around Christmas, which doesn’t particularly bother me. He sends nice pictures, but all he wants is to sext (is it sexting if it’s via e-mail?). And his favorite is the teacher/student fantasy, which I’ve discussed before is no good for me! Yet, usually I go along with it for a while because he writes well, and it’s fun to think there’s a guy all the way in Philly who is fantasizing about me.
How do I know that things with the new Boy are important to me? Because (before this falling out, anyway) I told Goodreads Guy that I just wasn’t interested, and I legitimately wasn’t! He sent me one of his amazing pics and told me that he wished I was there to make his morning better… and to help him out with his obvious *ahem* problem…
I responded with a basic “long time no see,” sort of response and then let him go on for several e-mails while he tried to start our usual fantasy. After about 10 emails that I didn’t respond to, I finally told him that this just wasn’t working for me anymore because I was seeing a guy that kept me satisfied. He changed his tune a little, and told me how jealous he was because he assumed (and rightly so) that the Boy had experienced some of the things that he’d only been able to fantasize about.
When things imploded the very next day, I attempted to ask him for advice, since he’s a guy and I needed a guy’s opinion, and because I asked him for something that wasn’t part of the fantasy he ignored it. I’m assuming that’s what happened anyway since he still hasn’t responded, nearly 48 hours later.
Wait a minute… Did I just try to Friendzone Goodreads Guy via e-mail?
Yeah, I think I did… It’s probably for the best that he didn’t answer. I’m not sure he’d give good advice anyway, since he seems to have only one thing on his mind, and potentially if things go bad, he gets to have his way.
Or at least so he thinks!
See, I’m tired of being used for a singular purpose.
I’ve been kind of going back through some of my old posts… mostly because someone else has been going through them (I’m assuming the Boy). What I’ve found is that there is still a repeating pattern. When I meet a guy, almost always I find myself thinking (and thus writing) “I hope he decides to keep me…” or some variation of that. I did a bit of thinking on it today because there are plenty of people who tell me that I’m too emotionally involved because of that particular phrasing, and with the Boy also suggesting something similar, I realized why it was that I always say that.
Warning: it’s not a happy thing we’re about to discuss.
See, I keep choosing people. Or so I tell myself. I used to consider myself to be picky, which was probably a lie I told myself to explain why I went huge, long, dry patches between lovers. Either way, I end up seeing people, and I evaluate their pros and cons, and I decide if this a person that I see potential with. If it is, I keep them around to see what happens. If not, I remove them.
Often times I give them the benefit of the doubt if they show any sort of interest in me whatsoever, and that isn’t exactly a good thing for me. There’s a part of me that always sees certain behaviors as signs of interest, when in reality, almost always, it’s just a sign that they see me as an easy target.
I allow myself to get up the hope that this time will be the time that the guy that I chose will choose me back.
I had one boyfriend and a random guy I dated briefly during high school. And the boyfriend? that wasn’t actually high school. We dated during my eighth grade year and then when I got grounded for the whole summer (for a C) and couldn’t spend any time with him, we broke up and no one ever even showed any interest in me again…
Or at least not that I noticed. It is possible that my awkward Aspie-ness kept me from recognizing flirtations being thrown at me, but I doubt it. Remember, I got stood up for prom. By an underclassman…
Then in college, there was the abusive guy with the sword, and the crazy guy, both of which verbally proposed, but as I’m obviously not married, it didn’t happen. Both were crazy in their own ways.
There were others, but none that wanted to date me… And as such, I’ve come to accept that maybe I’m just not date material. Maybe I’m just supposed to be in people’s lives to serve a purpose for them, and then when they’re tired of me, I’m just going to be thrown away.
I don’t want to believe it to be true, but it seems to be my lot in this life. I’m never good enough to be the girlfriend. I’m good enough to be the stand-in, the other woman, the mistress, the “you busy,” but never the girlfriend. Never the person that the guy wants to show off to the world and say “she’s mine.”
I think to some extent that’s why I share things on here. Someone needs to know that I exist in these men’s lives. Someone needs to know that they at least found me beautiful enough to be with for a time… even if they’ll never admit it.
I had hoped that the Boy would be the one who was willing to choose me. Even if it was still a temporary situation. I wanted to believe that the temporariness of it wasn’t by his choosing, and thus it was possible that he actually could choose me, see value in me, care for me. And the things I shared that upset him so much were often the signs I saw that maybe he did see me, and want me. The signs that he chose me back.
Plenty of my friends seem to agree that that is true, which is (I suppose) why they are so confident that things will all work out in the end.
I have a doubt.
Maybe it’s because I have been so wrong in the past about the men in my life, thinking that they care and love me because they will lie to me and tell me it’s so, or hint at it, only to later tell me how since they never said any such thing, they can’t be at fault for me mistakenly thinking such a thing… almost always something that is thrown at me as they’re telling me that they don’t ever want to see me again. The Bartender, the Pirate, the Ex, all of them have said some version of “there’s someone out there for you, and someone who will want you, but it’s just not me…”
It’s almost as bad as the “It’s not you, it’s me,” speech.
And see, the way things feel when I’m in the arms of the Boy, the way he pulls me to him even in his sleep, or that ever so magical embrace where we breathe each other in, they gave me hope that this time, no matter how short lived it might be, this time I would finally know what it actually felt like to be chosen back, to be loved, to be wanted and desired because he saw value in me as a person, and not just a toy to be played with and then put back on the shelf.
Do you know he went to prom with me? He gave me that. Kept it a special evening even though he was upset at me…
None of those others would have done that. I can’t even imagining the guy who proposed on Valentine’s Day all those years ago doing that. And I know for a fact that the Ex wouldn’t have done it, even if we’d been dating the way he dates the women he actually claims when he dates them.
So I don’t know. I want to believe my friends are right and that he actually cares about me enough to not give up on us and what we have or could have.
There were two things that I’ve seen floating around today, and I found both while I was on the verge of physically damaging myself because my face was pulled so deeply into a frown that the muscles on the sides of my lower jaw hurt. One explains a relationship I’ve never been in, but hope one day to experience:
And the other is something I’m not entirely sure what to do with it, but I agree with the sentiment.
See, I’ve been asked to give him space, and that is a thing that always makes me nervous because I don’t know what the other person is thinking, and many times when I do give someone space, they misinterpret things I’ve said, but instead of asking for clarification, they assume their version of what I’ve said must be the truth, and they assume that when I try to clarify that it’s not genuine.
But I’m not NORMAL!! I’m not neurotypical. The way I express myself is in extremes, because I can basically only communicate in black and white, 1’s and 0’s, extreme happiness or extreme sadness. There is no grey, even when there is. Even when I’m speaking in metaphors, I’m expressing extreme emotions. When I’m mad at a person, I’ll find myself hating them for the moment, even when I’m really just angry and it will pass. But in that moment, I will tell you that I hate them. Similarly, when I like a person, I express it as love, a deep infatuation that borders on madness.
And so the little voice in the back of my head always tells me, “don’t let them have space to work it out, because they’ll work it out wrong…”
But there’s something unusual about this Boy. Something that I’ve not been able to quite explain, haven’t even tried to on here, really.
My mother pointed it out to me first. I’m relaxed when it comes to the Boy. I’m not panicking about whether or not he understands me, or that he’s going to hurt me, or that he’s going to suddenly decide out of the blue that he never wants to see me again (although he did… but it was my fault to some extent). I always knew I was going to see him again, and wasn’t so wrapped up in him that I was constantly thinking about what was going to happen next time I saw him.
I was calm.
Because I felt that there was a connection with him, I wasn’t worried.
Even the story I shared that was too personal and somewhat embarrassing (the last post that I accidentally posted on Facebook, which is kind of what led to the current situation… though it would have happened eventually because I always assumed he’d eventually get around to reading this blog), to me it was special because we were able to laugh through the discomfort and embarrassment of the moment.
I’ve not had that sense of ease since before the guy with the sword. And to me that is significant. After all, it was over 15 years ago. That’s a long time to go without feeling loved back.
Plus now, though my emotions are spiraling quickly up and down, I’m mostly ok. I want the Boy to figure out how he feels, and while I hope that he sees what I see (and fear that he won’t), I’m mostly calm. I’m glad he found my blog so that there weren’t secrets… not that the blog was in anyway a secret, but just that sometimes I can’t express myself well verbally.
I don’t know. It’s a mess, and I hope it works itself out in a positive way, but even if it doesn’t, I’m no longer afraid that the memory of how wonderful he made me feel will disappear. He has shown me that there are good people out in the world, and maybe one day one of them will actually choose me back.