Well, I managed to do it: I screwed up and big time.
If we were sharing our lives over coffee this weekend, let’s make mine Irish.
Because I could use the drink.
I’m still in my jammies. Having done prom last night, and waking up to a not-so-pleasant discussion, I’ve decided today is a day when I’m not going to leave the house. I’ll get to all that in a bit, but first I need to address a few things first. They’re related, so I suppose that helps, but let’s start with the big one:
I owe the Boy an apology.
See, I use this blog as a way to work through stuff that is difficult for me to maneuver because of my condition/disorder/whatever you want to call it (Aspergers); I’ve discussed this before.
Sometimes, though, I forget that other people
can are reading it.
I mean, I know the Ex reads them every now and then because it usually causes a fight. He doesn’t like how I portray him, but, as some people who know him and I both have said to me, if he doesn’t like how I see him, he should change his behavior.
I do know that quite a few of my friends read this blog, but most of them are out of town, and several are out of state. It’s sometimes easier for me to tell them to just read a blog post than to go into detail of what’s going on in my life because (as some of you may have noticed) I’m a bit verbose.
Hey, I’m thorough! But it is that thoroughness that is the issue today.
It seems that at some point, I got so wrapped up in discussing what was going on in my life that I forgot to think about other people’s feelings and concerns about privacy.
And by “other people,” I mean the Boy.
I enjoy his company so much and have so much fun with him that I felt like I should share that. Sometimes I was trying to work through what was going on, and sometimes I just got wrapped up in remembering the memory. And sometimes (though this is rare), something just seemed too good not to share.
But I had no right to put so much detail in here without consulting him.
What’s worse, at some point I knew that. One of the earliest posts about him was me saying that I couldn’t tell certain things about him because it wasn’t my place to share some of it. The reason why I struggled getting him a nickname (and partially why he got the Ex’s old nickname) was because there are so many things that I can’t tell about him for fear of giving away his identity!
Apparently it didn’t work. I guess at some point people knew it was him, or our mutual friends figured it out. Or I don’t know.
But never has it been my intention to hurt him. Though I feel it’s a cop-out, it also happens to be true that I’m still broken inside. The Ex did quite a number on me, and it’s taken me a really long time to get over… probably because he kept coming back but repeating the bad behavior.
And the list of painful memories from the men in my past have left my ability to read men a little shattered.
Having said that, there have been times when I’ve been a bit more mean to some of the guys of the past than I’d meant to be, or more than they probably deserved. Like I know I really let the Pirate have it, and the Bartender.
Plus, the Ex gets more than his fair share of my ire because he never really ever attempted to make amends for the hurt he caused me and when he and I were on speaking terms, I would get beyond frustrated at the fact that he just thought it was all gone, even though he was still doing the same hurtful things.
To his credit, though, the Ex did tell me that even though it bothered him, he wouldn’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t say about him on here because he recognized that it was my blog and a way for me to work through how I process the world. The Boy said something similar today as I was going through and changing the settings of several of my old posts because they had hurt him and he was right about me being too forthcoming with details.
Yes, if you were looking for a particular post only to be told you can’t view it, that is because I went through and changed almost all the posts mentioning the Boy to private.
There were a few that I felt like were okay to keep them as they were, and I’ve kept all of the poetry, though almost all the poetry since I met him has been somewhat based on my interactions with him.
Personally, I think there’s more detail in some of them than in the posts, but they aren’t directly telling secrets that aren’t mine to tell, so they survived the culling.
I wish I could explain how he makes me feel and why I just got so overwhelmed at the very thought of him and of the what could be (if even only for a short while) that I threw all my early carefulness out the window!
I’ve wanted to figure out a way to write it in poem format and I get lost in the memory of the way he holds me so that we’re facing each other and just breathing in the essence of one another, foreheads and noses touching. It is the singular most intimate moment I’ve ever experienced and it makes me giddy as a school girl because I’ve never felt that close to another person.
I think I’ve been afraid from the very beginning that it was fake, just like all the rest. And that when it was over I’d wipe it away like all the good memories I have of the Bartender. With him, if I didn’t have this one photo, I’d never have remembered how happy I was with him for a brief time.
I mean, look at that smile! I was having a good time!… but it was all a lie.
The knowledge that it was all a lie overshadows any positives that were there, and there’s this lengthy list of men who I allowed myself to feel something, even though it wasn’t as intense as I often make it out to be on here, only to find out that there was nothing to it for them. Not even the slightest bit of affection for me. To them, I served a singular purpose.
While I know that is not what is happening here, I still know that it will end, as much as I may hope for it to be otherwise. I wanted to write it all down for posterity, but completely forgot that I wasn’t just talking to myself in a diary or a private post, or telling it to just a handful of close friends who might care about my well-being.
As such, I hurt the one person who has ever made me feel safe in a relationship. The one person that I never felt like he was lying to me, or that I had to be honestly worried that he was going to just disappear when he got tired of me. Someone whom I love, but that I may have lost forever because I wanted to share how amazing he made me feel…