The last couple of days, I’ve been trying to express a thing that is hard for me to explain. A thing happened with the Boy that was a big deal to me for reasons that I didn’t want to completely go into because it would make me cry. And cry over a person I’ve not loved for a long time.
Or rather a person that I have not been in love with for a long time. I have loved him as a friend and held onto that feeling for longer than was healthy because I wasn’t ready to give up on the time and energy I had invested in him.
The crying comes for a more complicated reason, and at the risk of feeding the trolls, I’ll go into it again.
As some of you may remember, or have noticed, I don’t exactly do things the same as everybody else. I’ve mentioned before that last year I was officially diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, a term which is going out of fashion in favor of lumping it in with other levels of autism as part of Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Having ASD as a girl means that when my mom accused me of being a lesbian at 12 because I really loved to wear sports bras and had a favorite blue t-shirt that said “Whatever it is, I didn’t do it” underneath a smiley face, she was really missing a sign of my condition/disorder. I don’t really like underwire bras, and take my bra off as soon as possible. Most women do, which is why it might not seem like an ASD sign, but for me it’s more: I went through high school wearing primarily sports bras because they were comfortable and I would get distressed if my clothes were uncomfortable.
Still do to some extent.
Although I love Spanx and waist trainers! I love the all day hug feeling they give me. Even though I can’t always eat when I have them on. They don’t leave a lot of room in my tummy area.
Having ASD as a girl means that some of those dating things that the rest of you take for granted, I might not get. Like when I was trying to figure out if the Pirate was into me at all and a troll decided to screw with me just to see what I’d do, I fell for it because I can’t really tell certain things about people’s motivation and emotions.
Even now, when I know that the Boy is honest and that he has in fact spoken of me to his true friends, when someone decided to tell me that I was still a secret, I had to go through and re-assess things to make sure that I didn’t miss something.
Was I taking him too much at his word? Should I not be taking him so much at face value?
But what that person who questioned doesn’t understand is that he isn’t like many of the guys who have been on here. Most notably, I don’t tell every detail about our interactions.
For example, I didn’t share how we were laughing and giggling about an attempt I made to give him a compliment which had turned slightly sideways and could have gone terribly awry. I told him that he surprised me for a variety of reasons, one of which being his appetite was similar to my own.
As part of the explanation, I made myself sad by sharing something that I’ve shared on here already but don’t want to dig through the multitude of posts about the Ex (when he was the Boy) in order to link to them.
The short version is this: there was a point when the Ex told me he was uncomfortable when I tried to seduce him, so I should ask him if he was in the mood, then a few weeks later, he told me that asking ruined the spontaneity of the act. Several times, those conversations led to me asking him if he didn’t desire me anymore, and then him making me feel completely unworthy of love because he’d give me a lecture on consent, like I didn’t already understand the concept.
Several times, he’s brought up this video… supposedly for the purposes of a “philosophical discussion.” But only some while after he made me watch it because he felt like I was trying to pressure him into sex.
Now, a neurotypical person could have probably commented about it to the Boy and moved on. Maybe a sensitive person would have struggled with it for a minute or two. But one of the ways ASD manifests in me is that when I remember a thing, I get all the emotions, sounds, smells, visuals of the memory all at once. And this was several really hurtful memories rushing into me at one time.
I find myself filled with rage at the memory just now as I’m writing about it!
But when I move onto another topic (as I’m about to somewhat do), the feeling subsides. It’s directly tied to the memory.
So when I told the Boy about this memory, though I didn’t go as far in depth with it, he told me something that made me feel a lot better. Not just better: he made me feel pretty, and desired, and completely at peace!
He took a bad memory, with all it’s hurt, and gave it a silver lining.
Things like that don’t always go into this blog because they’re somewhat too precious to share. And, they are occasionally tangled with a memory of the Ex or one of the other guys between the Ex and the Boy (and some even further back). Something the Boy will do will either remind me of a trick that was done by one of the other men in my past, or he’ll do something so very opposite that it will make me feel absolutely amazing!
What happened on Monday was the latter.
See, it wasn’t just about an unscheduled visit (though having ASD, the scheduling is oh so very important to me), but it was also about him sacrificing time and energy to make love to me because I was in the mood and he wasn’t.
Remember the previous discussed memory of the Ex berating me about consent? He point blank asked me one time if I should just expect him to be intimate with me when he didn’t want to. And during the argument he had with me yesterday about how I misrepresented him (in his estimation) on here, he used the word “capitulate.” He told me that he knew I was revising history because he read how the Boy “capitulated” and he’s done the same thing.
The definition I know isn’t just to surrender, but to surrender “to an unwelcome or undesired demand.”
The main difference is that the Boy doesn’t consider being intimate with me an unwelcome demand, and obviously the Ex did/does. Or rather he does when it’s my idea and not his. There have been a few times when he’s hurt me and potentially others by making me the secret other woman because he had a need.
Let me not get bogged down in the emotions of that memory…
Yes, it still upsets me, but that doesn’t have anything to do with any remaining feelings. I get equally as angry about a memory of the time when things were particularly precarious between a member of my family and me, and it came to blows. I’m also filled with guilt with that particular memory, and just the mention of it can bring both feelings to the forefront completely unbidden.
The key thing about Monday was that the Boy told me it was important to him that things be fair and equal between us. And there have been other ways in which he’s put himself second. I’m simply not used to that.
I’m used to me being used and treated unfairly and then being told that I’m just misunderstanding the situation when I confront the other person in the attempt to keep them from disrespecting me. Like there was a time where the Ex told me once that he didn’t like the way I was treating him, and when I told him that I was doing to him what he’d done to me, his response (I swear to God) was to tell me that just because he treated me that way, didn’t make it right for me to treat him that way.
The comparisons help me to determine what’s real and to distinguish the good from the bad. I don’t get hints, but because I have these memories of what has happened in the past, complete with sounds and facial expressions, I can sometimes figure out what a person really means. Like when the Boy paused when I wanted to see him an extra day a few weekends back. If I hadn’t seen/heard similar pauses from the guys in my past, I might have come over that extra day without questioning whether or not he was doing that just for me, and really wasn’t into it. But, because I do have a mental filing cabinet full of those experiences, I was able to see that it was a bad idea.
So, comparisons are in, even if that means neurotypical people think it means I haven’t moved on, and I know that Monday was a big deal for me, even if someone who doesn’t have all the details thinks it’s not something worthy of bragging about.
I hope that clears everything up, once and for all. The Boy gives me the sense that this isn’t just fish love… Watch the video. You’ll get it then.