And sometimes it is so easy!
So, just yesterday I was crowing about how awesome the Boy was, and how he did a thing that none of the guys I’ve dated have ever done… or at least not in a long time. Like 15 years or more.
It seems I wasn’t as clear as I’d like to have been, but it was after midnight and I was quite tired. Let me set the record straight (since it caused a bit of a row with The Ex):
- I did not coerce the Boy into letting me come over.
- I don’t think the Ex is wholly evil.
- And, contrary to the opinions of some, I do not have to always have my way.
I really mean it!
Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to get my way, but if you’ve been paying any bit of attention, you’d realize that many of the issues I have with the guys I date is that I put my needs second and then am frustrated when I don’t see them at least occasionally putting my needs first…
And thus the reason why what the Boy* did was so very nice.
* Just as a reminder, the part of the Boy is fully reserved for the new guy, the one who is so dreamy. If you’ve been around long enough to know about all the Old Boy’s drama, you’ll be glad to hear his nickname is now The Ex, because there’s no hope of him ever being a romantic interest again. Ever.
Before we go too far off topic, let’s take each item one at a time.
I did not coerce the Boy into letting me come over.
In yesterdays post, I made a comment about this not being “a tale about me manipulating a man into giving me what I want…” That is completely and wholeheartedly true. I wasn’t trying to trick him into something. I wasn’t looking to have a power play in which I somehow established my dominance. I wasn’t trying to gas light him into thinking something about me.
I wouldn’t do that because I’ve been manipulated before, and it’s not fun…
I asked, the Boy declined, and I said ok (honestly). Then he told me why it would not be the best idea, and I explained that his reason for it being a bad idea was not really a problem, but also (and this is the part I originally forgot to include last night) told him that I would be fine with either choice: meeting last night or tonight.
He chose to meet with me last night.
Of his own free will.
It wasn’t until we were saying goodbye that I realized that he would really have rather me come over tonight. Or rather, when I was saying goodbye it became somewhat obvious that tonight would have been a better night for him.
But, he had chosen to let me come over when it was better for me because it was important to him that it be fair and equal.
This is a thing that the Ex does not understand, and has been a source of our (the Ex’s and my) problems from the beginning…
I do not think the Ex is wholly Evil.
I have never thought the Ex was evil. While there have been times where I was convinced he’d have to be purposefully blind not to see how he keeps repeating the same negative behavior even after we’ve become friends, I have never (truly) thought that he was doing things with the intention of hurting me.
Or maybe I have thought that, but I continue to give him the benefit of the doubt because he swears vehemently that hurting me is not his intention.
Today, he and I got into one of our infamous text/messenger fights that took up a goodly portion of my day and made me cry big, ugly tears. All because he read yesterday’s post and decided that I wasn’t being fair to him in my portrayal of him. He went so far as to tell me that my “revisionist history” made him want to bite his tongue.
And this view of his is the other main problem we have.
See, the Ex and I have always had this problem where I feel like I’ve put forth more effort into our relationship than he has. I have always (until relatively recently) been willing to rearrange my plans when he finds time to actually show me some attention, for example.
When we dated, he wouldn’t tell me the plans, and then I would give up whole days or weekends in order to spend time with him, and he’d sit me in front of the TV while he played video games in another room instead of actually spending quality time with me.
Or he’d make plans, but sort of forget we had plans, and then forget to reschedule so that if I didn’t call to confirm, I would possibly end up sitting by myself waiting for a date that never happened. Luckily I always confirm, so that has never quite happened, but if I were less anal retentive about such things…
Even as we moved into the Just Friends stage of our relationship, when we would make plans, in order to accommodate his wonky schedule, I’d leave whole days blank because I wouldn’t want to risk not getting to actually hang out with him because some other plan of mine coincided with whatever time he would finally pick to grace me with his presence.
Don’t even get me started on the Writer’s playlist I asked him about for NaNoWriMo… five months or more ago… that he just gave me today as part of his turning over of a new leaf… Or the mix cd I still haven’t received, even though he’d promised it to me as a Christmas gift when we’d first started dating… 4 Christmases ago!
No, I’m not holding my breath, it’s just kind of a sore spot given that I gave him then, and have continued giving him throughout our whatever-ship, gifts to show him he’s important: cufflinks with hidden usb memory sticks, origami kit, chocolates, etc.
He’s been a lot of work…
And I don’t want to do it anymore, or ever again, which is why he got a new nickname (The Ex) in order to give the new Boy the chance to have the nickname. The Boy deserves it.
I don’t have to have my way all the time.
Oh it would be nice, don’t get me wrong! But I don’t always have to get my way.
There are some things I’ll put my foot down for because, by the gods, I deserve the chance to be happy! But that doesn’t mean that I always get my way, or if I don’t get my way, I’ll be sad, or distraught.
A couple of weekends ago, I had wanted to basically spend the whole weekend with the Boy, and I didn’t get my way then.
See, I’m in my semi-fixation part of this relationship. I like him. A lot! As such, I want to spend as much time with him as I possibly can in order to get to know him. I need to understand his routine, so I don’t inadvertently interrupt something important, and I’d like to know what things he specifically likes so I can spoil him every now and then. I can’t learn these things without exposure to him…
But this is not neurotypical behavior. My need to know everything about him somewhat directly relates to my Aspergers. And as such, I have to be careful not to push too hard because I know that it scares some people off. Look at the Ex as a prime example! I got too fixated because he treated me like a girlfriend (which I thought I was), and it made him decide to throw me away in one of the most painful ways possible. Not as painful as when the Bartender did the same thing, but still pretty painful.
There’s a list of guys who’ve done that to me… hence, I know now that I need to be careful to not accidentally be too clingy or smothering.
So when a couple of weekends ago the Boy commented that spending Sunday with me would be too many days in one week, I had to realize that he was right. It didn’t hurt my feelings, I understood what he meant and why he’d say such a thing, and even though every fiber of my being wanted to spend the time with him anyway (because he said we could), I knew it would be a bad thing to do. I told him he was right and it was okay.
I didn’t get my way, and it wasn’t the end of the world. And I think our relationship grew a little stronger because of it. I’ve had to talk with him a little about he can’t always put my needs first because it will backfire and he’ll end up resenting me.
I know, because that is the problem I have with these guys who would completely use me and never once think about how I actually felt. And it is because of those other guys in my past (the Ex being a large and re-occurring star on that list) that I was looking for signs of the Boy not really wanting me around, or wanting to just use me for his pleasure and not factor my feelings into it.
But the Boy is different, and he keeps proving it to me over and over. Last night’s selfless invitation to make sure that I was happy is just one more in a quickly lengthening line of ways he shows me that he cares about me as a person, and it is so unbelievably nice to feel cared about.
This is where the argument with the Ex comes into play:
He doesn’t like the comparison. He feels that the comparison is unfair, that I don’t give him credit for trying to be better.
But you know what? He’s had 4 Christmases to be better, and I’m still waiting on a mix CD from a 40-ish year old man because to him I’m not even worth the time it takes to put such a thing together. Instead, he tells me how, because of our fights, he just doesn’t feel like following through on a promise. Whether the fights are few and far between or every day, there’s no distinction. These last few months, for example, the fights have been nearly non-existent because I’ve quit caring whether or not he is around anymore.
It still took him 5 months to make a playlist. Not even a whole cd, just a list.
I reminded him several times about the Writer’s playlist, but never admonished him for forgetting. I didn’t fuss when he had to reschedule and forgot, because it’s not worth it.
Obviously, he doesn’t want me around, or, rather, doesn’t care if I’m around or not, and so I’ve not cared whether or not he was around.
I won’t lie: I did take umbrage at him telling me that “maybe” we could have lunch if it didn’t interfere with his weekly game. And I even went so far as to call it stupid or silly, which he is pissed about. He accused me of not valuing his time, or some such. Which made me want to laugh while simultaneously punching him in his nose repeatedly. But until today, that’s one of two arguments we’ve had in months, and it was probably a month ago, at least more than two weeks.
So, the Ex lost his original title because he was unworthy of it, and I gave the name to someone who has proven himself worthy. The Boy is someone I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with… not that it’s even a possibility, but I wouldn’t mind if it were.
Four Christmases ago, the Ex had already broken my heart and begun eroding my sense of self worth. In 10 weeks, the Boy has made me realize that I’m beautiful, smart, and worth so much more.
So I’m letting the Ex go.
He is nothing more than a memory, and there are still good memories in there, but I don’t need him anymore. Not even as a friend.