With only a few hours left of my Spring Break, this weekend we’d be drinking our coffee (or tea) while curled up in bed with relaxing music playing from my cellphone on one side and a stack of papers and notes on the other.
It’s a bit of a mixed signal, I suppose: relaxation on one side and stress from work on the other, but I feel sometimes that I’m very full of contradictions.
That’s actually something I tried to discuss with my roommate, and I don’t know if it made a whole lot of sense… so then I tried to explain it to the Boy (New one, not Old… well I explained it to both actually), and I’m not sure it made anymore sense to him either (either of them).
See, I have often felt like I live in two worlds at once: the “real” world, and the “spiritual” world. In the first, there are things like bills and my job and my friends and family. In other words: just about everything. But in the other, there is this sense of purpose, this indefinable sensation of what I’m supposed to be doing.
It’s quite frustrating trying to get them into balance.
My roommate is very religious and she said basically that getting them to meld into one was the goal. We should strive for our spiritual life to be the same as our real life. Yet, sometimes that just isn’t the way of things.
Then when I told the New Boy about it, I told him that in a lot of ways I was aware that part of the divide was that I wasn’t giving enough time to the things that are particularly special to me as an Aspie. For instance, sometimes writing is more important than even eating because I need to immerse myself in that world for a while. Or I absolutely have to go dancing (albeit it’s Stimming, and not normal dancing, but still).
But it’s more than that. There is something within me that gets unbelievably disoriented and unhappy when things in my “real” life get overwhelming and wrong. Like with some of the changes that are being proposed for next year in my district… I don’t want to go into all of them, but suffice it to say most of them are BAD!
My “real” life is at odds with what my “spiritual” life feels I should be doing. Everything feels just wrong in the pit of my stomach and is making it really hard for me to focus on what I need to do to finish out the year.
I will, don’t get me wrong, but there is this sensation in the pit of my belly that says “nothing matters anymore because it’s not about what’s best for the kids anymore…” I don’t really feel that way, and I’ll move past it, but I don’t have a good feeling about where I’m at.
And it’s somehow related to the financial woes I’ve been having. There are so many things that I could do to get my finances in order, but I no longer know which step I should take first. I’m overwhelmed by the options and the necessary steps for all of it!
That is really what I was trying to tell the Boy, but it didn’t come out right because I was in panic mode. My phone had been temporarily turned off, and I was scared I couldn’t fix it. Plus there was a high probability that I would lose my rental car because it is costing me at least a third more than I thought it was. And thus I’m so far behind that each pay period, my check is short.
It hadn’t been. I was on top of things… mostly. I had a system and I was doing fine, for the most part. And now I’m behind all over again.
Because my car got totaled.
Like I said once before, it was probably for the best. I think there were things wrong with that car that I hadn’t noticed when I bought it, or that had gotten messed up when it got flooded… and I never took it in to be checked out because it seemed to be working fine and I was afraid that they would total it out and I’d be back exactly where I am now…
If I’d done it last April when it got flooded, though, it would have been before a bunch of negative stuff on my credit from when my checking account got hacked, and things would have been better.
But that’s not what this post is about. I don’t have time for regrets. Instead, I want to learn to live in the moment.
One of the things I did this week was to go to Miller Outdoor Theater for their opening night show on St. Patrick’s Day. I thoroughly enjoyed it, although the five smallish children (all 10 or under) that were there with me and the people I was with didn’t seem to be amused. Particularly my roommate’s son who was struggling to see over the guy in front of us who kept taking video with his phone.
This is not an abnormal thing to see anymore, except he wasn’t taking video of the stage; he was taking panoramas of the crowd. In the dark…
Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.
Instead of enjoying the show and being in the moment, he would randomly start taking video of the crowd around him. He wasn’t enjoying the performance, I guess. I remember thinking at the time that lots of people take video of the show for posterity, to watch later.
I also remember thinking that such an act defeats the purpose of such a performance. It’s meant to be lived, in the moment, interacted with. Not videoed for a later date when you lose the energy of the people around you.
Maybe that’s why he was recording the crowd instead of the show. Maybe on some level he knew that the “moment” was more about the energy from the people around him instead of actually what they were witnessing.
Similarly, living in the moment is the reason why I don’t want to give up on the New Boy yet. The energy and passion that flows through him is something I’ve not had from anyone I’ve ever dated prior to now, and while I know it is almost impossible that it could become anything more, right now it is still more real than anything I’ve ever had.
And I’m going to enjoy the hell out of it while it lasts!
(I’m feeling a poem brewing, so keep your eyes out for a new one posting soon…)