When last I wrote on here, my brain didn’t feel quite normal. It’s still not quite there, but there is some progress.
I was concerned about things with the Boy. We’re going to drop the New and Old distinctions as I have almost no interaction with the Old Boy anymore, though he and I were supposed to have dinner last week, and, as is his trend, he canceled promising to reschedule. He hasn’t yet… which is one of a gazillion reasons why we didn’t last.
So, if I am talking about the Old Boy, I’ll make the distinction, but for the moment the New Boy is the Boy.
As I was saying, I was concerned about things with the Boy. His situation is complicated, coming from a family background where he needs family approval if something serious were to develop. This has caused me something of a mild distress because things are so very comfortable with him. I am comfortable with him, in a similar way that I was with the Old Boy before… part of the reason why I’m not in a hurry to create a new nickname for this Boy, nor am I in a hurry to give up on him.
For one thing, there’s never a guarantee that a relationship will end in the type of long term situation that would upset his family complications. And yet the intimacy and comfort that I am getting from this man is a kindness and a realness more than I’ve ever had by any man, possibly any person, in my entire life.
And I need that right now.
How many times in life can you find someone who doesn’t judge you and treats you with kindness and respect? How often do you find someone who wants to hold you close and touch your skin while talking about life?
It may not be something I get to keep, but it’s the first time I’ve had something I would refer to as real in a very, very long time… if ever.
And, like I said, I need that right now.
The other things I talked about over the weekend were my meltdown/shutdown/whatever.
See, while I dealt with my belief that I had Asperger’s by trying to (and succeeding in) confirming the diagnosis, I was unsuccessful in finding a therapist that could help me to come up with coping mechanisms. The first psychologist/therapist/whatever-she-was was willing to admit that she saw the Asperger’s signs/symptoms but that she didn’t think it would benefit me to be officially diagnosed this late in my life.
I told her then that I felt like I was going into a shutdown period, and that in the past some of my shutdowns spiral into a full blown depression that leads to me wanting to do nothing but sleep for up to 2 weeks, and that I needed to not do that.
She maintained that the main reason people need an Asperger’s diagnosis is to become better at social interactions, and that I seemed to have no trouble with that, so it wouldn’t really do me any good to slap a label on me now.
No she didn’t use that phrasing, but it’s the same thing.
I countered by telling her that my relationship with the Old Boy was an example of just how poor I am at social interactions. I thought we dated on and off for a year or more; he says we dated for maybe 6 weeks.
And when taking tests to identify facial expressions, I get the big ones, but not the nuanced little ones…even with my theater training! My favorite example (because it’s funny in hindsight) is that I confused embarrassment with lust. In the real world that would be quite embarrassing indeed!
And there’s still the issue of the shutdowns. When things become stressful, I do go into a fantasy world, and I need to sleep. A lot. Plus, it seems to have created an extreme sense of social anxiety lately.
Which, apparently, isn’t that unusual. I was reading this article in an attempt to try to figure out if my current mental/emotional state is normal, or if it’s gotten to the point of being something else. It said something about how “Repeated shutdowns on consecutive days raised her susceptibility for up to three weeks.”
So my fear and subsequent need to sleep, which most identify as depression, seems to be normal when under extreme amounts of stress repeatedly.
The trigger this time was last Wednesday, when the students were so loud that I was on the verge of rocking and crying behind my own desk.
It’s been difficult to think straight and complete basic tasks since then. For instance, I’ll make a decision but then can’t decide how to move forward to do the steps to make that thing possible.
I thought I was getting better when I wrote the Coffee Share post this weekend, but perhaps it just was too much social time when I really needed a day or two of absolute quiet. I’m still exhausted feeling, and yesterday, just trying to go to work, I began shaking and threw up. I’m still not functioning normally.
And now there’s a fear of how certain people will respond to me when I am back to normal. They don’t understand, and their inability to understand what I’m going through, but rather to judge me as just weak-willed, upsets me even more.
I’m trying my hardest to cope with a thing that I’ve always just muddled through my entire life!
This is why I wanted an official diagnosis, so people might understand that what I’m dealing with isn’t just a weakness, or me trying to just escape my duties. The rumors last year were all that sort of thing.
And honestly, knowing that that is what people think makes it all that much harder to be successful in overcoming it. Like the girl in the article, I want to be better, to do the task set in front of me, but just the fear of knowing that socially I’m not supported by my peers and superiors adds to the stress, making it almost impossible to overcome.
But I’m taking the steps to get through it. I do have some friends to help me through it.
And I have a man who makes me feel nearly invincible.
So while it’s going to be a tough battle, I think I’ll eventually make it through this.