Weekend Coffee Share: Meltdown

This weekend, if we were discussing life over coffee, we might very well be doing so at the New Boy’s place. It’s just about time I either decide to introduce him to my social circle, or decide if I might need to cut him loose.

I know that doesn’t make any sense, because we are pretty comfortable and close to perfect together, but his situation doesn’t look to be uncomplicating any time soon. If anything, it’s looking more and more like it won’t be doable. Oddly enough, when I asked him if the complications weren’t there if we would already be a thing, he seemed to not have thought about it. Like we’re just so comfortable together there wasn’t really a thought as to what might or might not be the reality under different circumstances.

Not sure if that gives me hope or crushes it…

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So, in that regards, there’s some backwards movement. Though, to be honest, I am hoping it begins moving forward again very soon. I’m very tired of being a sometimes option, but never a full on keeper. With him, it feels like we’re already in the full on keeper stage, but we’re just not.

I’m afraid it’s going to be another situation like the Bartender… although at least I’m sure this time that he’s not married.

But, even with all of that, I am chilling on his couch while he’s taking a nap, like at this very moment… so it’s… complicated.

verycomplicated

Meanwhile, the thing this past Wednesday at work has kind of put me on the verge of an absolute shutdown. It was touch and go there for a while, but I think perhaps the distraction from the New Boy has been enough to kind of pull me out of it.

I haven’t had to think really, because he has been like a rock that I can lean on without actually leaning. It was a thing I’d always hoped the Old Boy could do for me, but he was never comfortable doing it. But the New Boy, like I’ve said before, he doesn’t fear my emotions. There was a moment when I had said something and because he thought I was sad, he pulled away and stopped snuggling, but when I told him I was ok, he came right back.

He was right; I was sad, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tell him that when we’re at a precarious kind of place. I’m not ready to give up hope yet, because this feels too perfect, but if something/someone else falls in my lap, I’m not sure I’d be willing to push them away.

Of course, that’s only assuming that anyone would fall into my lap.

intolap

I kind of feel like the New Boy is the good thing that fell into my lap, but we’ll see. There are others still around, technically.

Like Mr. Quiet has been kind of hiding just at the periphery of late. He’s made it a thing to kind of go out of his way to put himself into my path to ask me if I’ve “been alright.” I’m beginning to think it’s code for “are you looking to play?” Every time I say, that I’m fine, he kind of pouts a little and then tells me how good that is.

One time he tried to follow it up with a question about if all my needs were being met, and I was late for a date with the New Boy, so I told him, “Yes, more than adequately! As a matter of fact, I’m late for a date now.”

He looked shocked. Like since he, the self-proclaimed hunk of a man didn’t want to keep me for long term, obviously no one could. Typical alpha meat head.

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This is why I’m into Intellectual Alpha males. I tried to explain this concept to the New Boy and he was able to finish my sentence. He gets it.

Another reason why I think things are a very possible go. If only I wasn’t afraid that he’d give in to his family who would not approve of us…

Ugh!

angryscream

So that’s my life this week. I had a bad day at work on Wednesday, and it’s been a difficult journey coming back from that. Although I do have an appointment for Friday a couple weeks from now to meet a new therapist. Hopefully one who can help me with the Asperger’s coping mechanisms the last one didn’t really feel a need to help me with.

I’ll never quite get past that. I went looking for help because I was NOT okay, and her response was that she didn’t think giving me an official Asperger’s diagnosis would be beneficial because I’ve done so good thus far, why would I want to complicate things for myself by getting a diagnosis this late in life?

The ignorance of that statement just astounds me.

It’s made worse because she admitted that I had Asperger’s, she just didn’t think it would beneficial to make it official.

eyeroll

Anyway, here’s what’s going on specifically:

  • I’m hoping to try a new (and closer to me) doctor.
  • I’m struggling with work stuff, but we’re just a week away from Spring Break, so I’m going to have a whole week to kind of recuperate soon.
  • The New Boy situation went from “comfortable and maybe going to uncomplicate” to “still comfortable but complicated as all fuck.”
  • And in the middle of it all, my brain really wants to just shut down completely

I just have to muddle through until Spring Break… Then I can crash if need be, but I really want to not crash. Period.

My brain’s not functioning well enough to give you more than that, so I’ll turn it over to you now. Have a great week! Next week will be the kick off of Spring Break!

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5 thoughts on “Weekend Coffee Share: Meltdown

  1. I am not in a position to give you advice but I would take some time for myself and really look at the situation with the boy, writing down exactly how each one feels; going so far as to do a pro and con list! Sounds silly but maybe you will come to a conclusion that is best for YOU and not him…

    • I appreciate the advice. I’m not doing anything because it is what is best for him at my downfall. Quite the contrary. I’m enjoying myself, and while I would prefer that there be a happy ending, I’m not willing to give up what joy he brings me at the moment. There’s never a guarantee that a relationship will ever have that happy ending, and I’m going in with my eyes wide open. It’s not likely I’m going to find someone who treats me this well anytime soon. I’ve not found anyone who treats me this well ever, so it’s worth it.

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