Posted in Aspergers, Dating, Friendships

Weekend Coffee Share: Boys vs. Men

This weekend, if we were comparing life notes over coffee, first of all, I’d tell you that the link up as moved. Instead of linking to it now links to Nerd in the Brain.

And then I’d invite you to curl up on the couch with me while we have some soothing music in the background to help reduce my current sense of ire. 


Not at the New Boy. He’s still exceedingly dreamy, and we’ve been seeing quite a bit more of each other than I had originally anticipated.

But I’m definitely NOT complaining about that!

I’m angry at Mr. Shy. I know, he hasn’t been around in the blog much, because he didn’t make it very far in the process of things. In fact, after having just about convinced myself that he was worth a shot, he talked himself out of it, and has since expected me to be his counselor, and yet will not listen to anything I have to say. Instead, he tells me that my very carefully worded critiques of his situation are attacks, and so then he feels like he needs to defend himself which makes him lash out.

Like when he was telling me about a conversation he attempted to have with a woman on a dating site/app. They matched, he made the first move to say hello and ask her how she was doing. She gave a normal response, and replied by asking him how he was….

And that’s where the normal conversation ends.

He explained to me that in his response to her, he told her first about his visit with his family and thus about his adorable nephew (the kid is really adorable… I saw pics… though still not as adorable as MY nephew!), which would have been fine, and opened up the conversation for her to ask about his family and show interest in him… But he didn’t stop there, nor did he ask a follow up question to keep the conversation going. He went through 4 different potential topics of conversation, one of which was to tell her that, after re-reading her bio, they had a great many thoughts and ideas in common and that made her even more desirable to him….


I tried to explain to him how that would scare ANY woman off, especially a neuro-typical woman (he’s been dealing with the possibility that he, too is an undiagnosed Aspie), and that he needed to slow the conversation down, so that it was like a spoken conversation.

He expressed some confusion at this, because that was illogical, since a normal conversation happens in real time, but communicating via messenger should be more like an e-mail…

I can totally relate because I know it is a particular pet peeve when a man doesn’t respond in a timely manner to my messages, and I often forget to do the common introductions in my messages. To me texts, IM’s, DM’s, tweets, they’re all continuations of a conversation and, unless I’m starting a completely new topic, I don’t feel a need to include a greeting or salutation of any kind. The Boy used to admonish me for it upon occasion. And now he just will add his own greeting as a small reminder of my faux pas.

Point being, I get that texting and messaging isn’t exactly easy to navigate.

I tried explaining to him that you have to take baby steps in conversations. Introduce a small topic and either give the other person an opportunity to respond, or specifically ask them something in order to continue the conversation.

He didn’t like that suggestion, again citing that that didn’t make any sense because even though he went through several different topics, they’d all been about her and people had told him that people like to talk about themselves.

So I tried telling him he could gauge whether or not his response had been appropriate based on the length of his response vs the length of her response…

I even sent him a link to a video of a guy with Asperger’s who explains that he had to learn that conversations were like making a sandwich… (Go to 6:21)

But Mr. Shy wasn’t having any of it. The more ways I tried to explain to him why his way was not going to give him the desired results, the more agitated he became until he finally just told me that it was unbelievably ridiculous that he should have to coddle women in order to have a conversation.


Wait… what?

When the fuck did I say women needed to be coddled to have a conversation? All I said was that you needed to give her an opportunity to respond before jumping to another topic because it comes across as being unbelievably selfish… And I added that his response that women needed special treatment and that he didn’t want to do so was a little bit sexist! Only a man with a great deal of privilege (and more than a smidge of misogynistic leanings) would see giving a woman an equal opportunity for a conversation as special treatment or “coddling.”

So, yeah, then, after several attempts to clarify, I finally told him that yeah… he was being a big old sexist jerk, and that this conversation was done. I even had to block him to make sure that he didn’t keep messaging me, because he would. He did. I sent him the video and told him to just fucking watch it, but that we were done talking.


The very next time I was on Facebook (and after I unblocked him), he immediately began telling me that his reaction was my fault because I had attacked him by making him feel like he was doing something wrong and that it wasn’t fixable…

Ummm. No. I was trying to help you fix it because it was abso-freaking-lutely fixable!

He then accused me of throwing his privilege and racism and sexism and just basic bigotry in his face. I didn’t say most of those things. Here I said nothing about privilege or racism or bigotry. I have told him before he needed to stop ignoring what I had to say because my opinion happened to be the same as some woman who had offended him by throwing his privilege in his face… but that was several weeks ago and in a discussion about the cheeto-faced one who is currently destroying this country.

It sent up some red flags because I’ve been gaslighted before, by people smoother at it than he is. He’s not going to make me feel guilty about having an opinion different than his, and especially one where I’m right! Guys often tell me my messages are too long, and I’ve scared off easily a dozen men because of it. I know what I’m talking about here.

And you sure as hell don’t tell someone that reading their profile makes you “desire them more!” That phrasing is awkward and sounds pervy!

Anyway. I re-blocked him today because I don’t need that kind of crazy in my life. He’s a level of broken I’m not qualified to deal with, and I’m not going to be gaslighted or disrespected. By anyone.


Besides, the New Boy tells me things like it’s okay for me to get emotional because I should embrace who I am. And sends me messages that in a round about way tell me he’s thinking about me throughout the day. And we’ve got another date scheduled for tomorrow and then another for Wednesday. He’s supportive of me when I’m upset, and he hardly knows me, and he apologizes if something makes me sad, while understanding that it’s not his fault. And he’s so smart that it makes me giddy and feel like an absolute moron when trying to talk to him.

Everything about him is better. I don’t know why I ever considered a thing with Mr. Shy when there were people like the New Boy out there!







High school teacher by day, relationship/romance blogger by night. Help me add author to the list. Vote for my book idea here:

2 thoughts on “Weekend Coffee Share: Boys vs. Men

  1. Oh the joys of the dating world. I am smack-dab in the middle of it and you are so right. Judge the length of the responses… But, sadly, men are often obtuse and it’s a losing battle. Enjoy The Boy!

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