So yesterday I was having a bit of an introspective moment due to all the things going on in my world (that is what this blog was designed for, after all), but I think I may have unintentionally given the wrong impression.
See, I was thinking about who I am and how things go with me. I was feeling guilty because I wasn’t where I knew I needed to be, but only because I was not ok. My feelings on what’s going on with my body at the moment are kind of a mess. I don’t know how I feel about suddenly realizing that I’ve been 4 inches too short for a long time.
And is this a thing that is fixable? I know when I do my yoga, I grow an inch or so. Is that because I’m correcting a mistake that I made in how I stand or sit? Do I even want to be that tall?
If I suddenly were the height they say I should be, I’d be right under 6′ tall. Is that a thing I really want? I’ve already discussed on here how I have issues dating guys as it is because of my height. My apparently very average height of 5’7″ is taller than most single guys in their 30’s (quickly about to move into their 40’s) are comfortable dating.
I guess most of the really tall guys don’t have trouble finding partners… and even when they do, they seem to choose the shorties.
There are so many really tall guys with short girls, it’s a little obnoxious.
So I’m stuck dating guys right at my height or even slightly shorter than me. The Bartender was right at my height, maybe a smidge shorter. Mr. Shy is shorter. The Boy was only a couple inches taller, as was the Pirate. I may have flip flopped the Pirate and the Bartender, but oh well.
If I can’t find guys that are significantly taller than me now, how will I ever find one that is even a little bit taller than me if (big if) we manage to untangle my body?!
I do so badly want to have a family that it is something that concerns me.
The New Boy is taller, quite a bit taller, but after a brief conversation (after yesterday’s post…unfortunately), I have a distinct feeling it cannot go anywhere.
I enjoy our conversations, but I suggested a thing that he thought sounded too much like a date (not to happen yesterday, but sometime in the future), and well… I got the whole, “that’s not a good idea” speech.
I somehow always end up in this type of situation. Meet a guy, think he’s interested in me as a person, find out I’m wrong in the worst way possible, and then after that things get weird.
Problem is, I still think he actually likes me as a person, and he’s just cautious and not understanding what exactly I was suggesting. I was only suggesting getting to know each other in person by actually hanging out at some point. Not a date, per se, just hanging out and getting to know one another. We’ve had some really interesting conversations where we talk about our different cultural backgrounds and favorite things, but there’s always a… location issue (it’s complicated), and I was hoping to remove that issue.
Yeah, maybe it was in hopes of a date, but to me the only difference between a date and hanging out with friends is intention, and, in the past, I’ve consistently given up on my own hopes for a date in order to have a friendship, effectively choosing to be friend-zoned instead of losing out on a good connection.
Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked.
Or maybe not.
See, I wanted to say that I feel like I need to take back what I said yesterday, with the exception of the message about being myself. I originally thought I needed to say it because I’m afraid other people would see my absence as part of me running away instead of realizing that it was indeed because of health reasons, but maybe most of yesterday’s post is an issue…
I’ve had a bad couple of years with my health, to say the least. Perhaps it’s because this is the first time I’ve had the insurance set up properly to figure out what was wrong with me. And living in the city gives me the opportunities to actually check. More doctors, easier access to specialists, and I didn’t know about the Flexible Health Spending thing until last school year. Suddenly I can actually get things checked that I had issues with, but didn’t know where to even begin.
Such as the back thing. I knew my waist was messed up. It’s a thing that makes me particularly uncomfortable while naked. But to know that it’s not just that my hip is crooked or that I’m just fat, makes a big difference somehow.
I think that the last couple of weeks, since going to the chiropractor, I’ve been actively trying to change my posture, and I think I might have over twisted at some point over the weekend or early on in the week. It’s the thing that makes the most sense, since I can’t exactly figure out what is wrong with my back, and while doctors keep looking at x-rays, they just keep giving me muscle relaxers… which just effectively make me a zombie for a couple of hours, and not entirely conscious of what I’m doing, or saying, if yesterday’s post is any indication.
And that’s why I was angry at myself and overly introspective yesterday. I was concerned because earlier in the school year, there were a few times that I just couldn’t be human, like I was talking about yesterday, that have thus screwed up my available days for when I actually needed them, like this week. Yet, I don’t think that’s how it came across because I was mildly drugged out of my head.
So I take it back, or I take back the way I said it. Hopefully there’s some clarification now.