I don’t feel particularly wise this Wednesday. I’m feeling my stress particularly hard today. I shouldn’t be, but I am. It’s definitely a day for tea, so as soon as I can, I’m going to brew me a nice cuppa.
In a lot of ways, that’s what this blog was originally for: releasing my stress, metaphorically (and often literally) over a cup of tea. I wanted to discuss the situations where tea was a boon to my day, saving me from my own stress and worry.
It seems that I can’t avoid the stress sometimes, and most if it is from my personal life, and not my work life. I’m still in a rental, and that is becoming quite the financial drain. I’m still staying with a friend, and while we’ve discussed me helping her monetarily, it’s still not the same as if I were in my own place, and given the car situation, I’m still not able to save up to get into my own place.
I’m still not sure of where I would go if I could afford it anyway. And that is kind of where the stress is coming from today. Yesterday, because of my back, I ended up staying home from work, and though I didn’t realize it until too late, the doctor wrote me a note for 2 days instead of just one. Because the medication made me woozy, I stayed at the one place where I knew I would have a friend who wasn’t working at the moment (in case of emergencies of some sort), and as predicted the medication knocked me out so it was a good thing that I had today off.
But I’m very far away from my temporary home… and still feeling a bit woozy. Hopefully it will wear off in time for me to drive back to my side of town.
My side of town… Hard to really feel as if it is my side of town when all my friends are on this side of town, at least half an hour away, and in this case, nearly an hour… not including traffic. I’m feeling a little out of my element… on top of the woozy!
Plus, I had hoped to be a little more with it so that I could see about making some necessary adjustments… as in, getting OUT of the rental and INTO something of my own.
Not that I have the money to make that happen, exactly, but perhaps I could, as my roommate suggested, figure out a way to get the bank that had financed the car that was totaled to agree to finance a new one. Not even sure how to go about making that happen, and that is decidedly some of my stress at the moment.
So I’m sitting here, still in my jammies… well sort of. I’d had a pair of yoga pants in my bag for my chiropractor appointment when I headed to this side of town with my meds in tow. Yoga pants are close enough to jammies, though.
So, as I was saying, I’m sitting here in my
jammies yoga pants, fighting off the yawns, with my mind racing about all the things I should be doing at the moment…
And where I should be at the moment.
Which of course leads to a bit of self doubt as to whether or not I’m any good at being a teacher, or a friend, or anything else.
My kids will tell you that I’m a good teacher. Even the test scores will tell you that I’m a pretty good teacher. So I must be doing something right. I just also have those days when I don’t really feel human. Today definitely being one of them… Even if it is because of extenuating circumstances.
While today there are extenuating circumstances, sometimes I legitimately just don’t feel human. My social tank gets used up, my senses get overloaded, and I just need to disappear from the world.
I used to think it was depression, and now I know that it’s the Asperger’s. Before I understood that, I would let the guilt from my need to just not be around anyone/anything spiral into a depression. Now the hurdle is how to handle it without it becoming a huge drain on my career. How do I allow myself the quiet escape without it meaning that I miss a ton of work?
It’s moments like this that I am still angry at that first doctor I saw last year who refused to even mention the Asperger’s in the report she filed with the school. She told me that it would do more harm than good to include such a thing. This was reiterated by a newly acquired Aspie friend. She said people just think it’s something you should be able to get over by now. Just like people tell me that I “must be high functioning,” just because I can mask my symptoms.
They don’t see the obsessive qualities when I find something new that catches my attention. Or it doesn’t dawn on them that the fact that I remember in graphic detail my first nightmare at the age of 5 is kind of weird, or the fact that there is a large catalog of dreams and stories stuck in my brain because I experience the world sort of like a fairy tale, or a hero story.
Like even with the New Boy (not sure if that name will stick), as he has told me some of his background, I find myself romanticizing it, making him the hero of some tale. Part of his name means warrior, and yet he doesn’t believe it to be true, yet some trials he went through as a child definitely sound as if he was being tested by some higher power to see if he was worthy of the title.
Or at least that’s how it is in my romanticized version of his story.
And that is part of what makes me… me.
So, even though today is a bit more rambly than most, that is what today’s Wednesday Wisdom is about: being myself. Even as screwed up as that may be.
I have to embrace my differences, and learn to deal with the occasional anxiety/stress from life. I need to be myself, and be comfortable with the person that is. Even if it means drinking a little more tea than usual…