Since my accident about six weeks ago I’ve been seeing a chiropractor, and with that has come a handful of epiphanies… most of which have not exactly been pleasant.
I was on my way to work when my back started to spasm and I didn’t know what to make of it. I haven’t had any issues with my sciatica pain since I’ve been seeing the chiropractor, so I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Then again, I did have a somewhat rigorous time this weekend… There’s a new boy, not a Tinderfella, which gives me some hope, but he has given me a run for my money as he’s in quite a bit better shape than I am.
Though, as today’s epiphany shows, that might not be saying much.
Turns out, I have scoliosis….
Which, I probably should have known, but somehow it never occurred to me that the way my waist is apple on one side, but pear shaped on the other was a sign of scoliosis. I remember being tested for it during elementary and middle school and managing to pass without having to wear braces or having rods surgically implanted in my back. So, it just never occurred to me that it was a spinal thing.
My hip is crooked. I’ve known this for a while, though not as long as I would have liked. Every time it comes up, I want to say it’s not true because even though both my parents talk about me wearing braces when I was an infant to try to fix it, there is no photographic evidence, and my mother has tons of photographic evidence of my childhood. Whole albums for each year!
So it’s hard for me to not just assume it’s a story, though my feet have been evidence that the hip itself was indeed crooked.
Notice I said “was.”
The very first trip to the chiropractor and he managed to adjust the hip into the right position. I know this because all my life when I laid down, my feet would fall to the same direction, as if I had two left feet. And yes, I’ve heard that joke plenty of times now that I’ve been openly talking about it.
But the night after my first trip to the chiropractor, when I laid down to go to sleep, I noticed my feet fall in opposite directions for the first time in my life, as far as I can remember.
It made a believer of me.
But today we looked at x-rays of my spine… Whether it’s because of how I compensated for the crooked hip in the way I sat and possibly even walked, I don’t know, but it makes a bit of sense to me. In school, in those uncomfortable desks, I was always sitting on my right foot. To the point that even now, it’s immediately how I want to sit. And it seems to have twisted my spine. A lot.
I mean, maybe that’s not the cause, but it makes the most sense to me.
Either way, after looking at the x-rays, the doctor told me that if my spine were straight, I’d be a full 4 inches taller… 4 inches. That’s a lot!
No wonder I feel weird about my waist! It’s round because it’s housing 4 inches of twisted spine! And I’m unnaturally short-waisted because my torso is supposed to be 4 inches longer! Hell! That even changes my BMI, if you factor in how much taller I’m supposed to be!
I mean, I’m still overweight, but if I were the height I’m supposed to be, I’d no longer be in the obese range. That’s intense!
So. That’s the twisted part.
Now for the straight forward part…
As I said, I’m seeing a new guy. No nickname yet, and I’m tempted to not put him in here. It was kind of fast, and I’m not sure where it’s going yet, but thus far, we are being totally straight forward with one another.
He’s from a different ethnic background than any of my previous boys, and thus us dating is kind of an issue. Not for race reasons, but for family approval reasons… on his side!
Probably on my side, too, if it ever gets to the point where I’m taking him home to meet the folks.
The big thing for me is that when I asked him what we were doing, even though he was uncomfortable having the conversation, he was very honest with me about his situation. As such, we’re still working on getting to know one another, even though we’ve already skipped a few steps. It’s hard for me, because I think like a romance novelist, and so I’m already romanticizing things he’s told me about his childhood.
He’s also quite a bit taller than my usual guy, tall enough that if we ever manage to fix my spine, he’ll still be taller than me, and that’s nice to know.
The best part is that I think he actually likes me as a person.
It’s been a while since I felt like I could say that… well, say it and mean it, anyway.
Mr. Shy seemed to like me as a person, but then every time I tried to talk, it was the same as with the Pirate: all about him. I don’t have patience for that anymore. He kept telling me he deserved to be happy while not allowing himself to be happy, and stringing me along with the promise of a date that never happened, and never seemed like it was going to happen.
I’d gotten into an argument with a Boy about the situation. Not that he was jealous or anything, he never had those kinds of feelings for me, but because he felt like I only had two choices: accept that Mr. Shy needed time and space, or move on. I felt there were variables. We even came up with a math problem (of sorts) for it to help us communicate better about it.
Basically (and I feel like I may have discussed this already), if we say that me waiting for Mr. Shy was the value a, and me moving on was the value b, then those were the only options I had, but for me it mattered whether or not what Mr. Shy said was actually true (value x). If x was true, then a is the right answer, but if x is not true, then b is the correct answer.
So the question becomes, how do we prove if x is true? And is it worth the wait?
In the end, it wasn’t worth the wait. Every time I spoke to Mr. Shy, he was whining about how he needed to learn to let himself enjoy life, and would find excuses not to hang out so we could see if there was something there. He kept saying it wasn’t me, and you know what, he was right!
After so many guys saying, “It’s not you, it’s me…” I’ve finally accepted that as being a true statement, even though most of the time, they’re using it as a line and in their mind it is me. I’m not the one who’s stringing people along. I’m not the one who lies to myself and others in an attempt to get someone to date me. I’m very up front about what I want, and what I’m willing to compromise. These men consistently are not up front about what they want, or they suddenly are after there are already feelings developing, and inevitably they make me feel guilty for having feelings when they feed me a fantasy first.
I no longer accept the guilt for that. I am not going to let them make me feel bad any longer! I am stronger than that, and I deserve better!
Here’s hoping the new guy brings something better. He’s already been a better listener than over half of them, and he’s very sensual, which I greatly appreciate.
And here’s hoping we can actually untwist my spine! Though I’ll have to buy all new clothes if we’re successful…