This week, if we were gossiping over coffee, we’d probably have done it while getting our nails done. That took close to forever earlier today! I wasn’t going to get them done, but I’d peeled the shellac off from when I’d done them before, right before New Year’s, and it tore my nails up underneath. I was afraid that with them being so vulnerable, they’d break, and I had already cut them shorter than I like… actually I bit them. I don’t do it often, but when one of them breaks, I get some strange satisfaction out of biting the rest to the same length as the broken one.
Anyway, I went to get my nails done even though I can’t really afford to do that at the moment, and ran into my roommate.
Who had already been there for over an hour…
And we were there for close to 2 hours before both of our nails were finally complete…
But the final result looks pretty good, if I do say so myself!
I decided to wait for her, even though mine didn’t take that long since they didn’t have to remove any polish or even cut them, just file and polish and decorate the ring fingers slightly (though you can’t really see the silver glitter very well here).
Then, we tried out the new Cajun/Mexican fusion restaurant next door, Gulf Coast Cafe, and I have to admit it was very delicious! That wasn’t at all the plan, but I think it was worth it. If my father ever decides to come visit me, I now have a place to take him that will impress him.
I’m not holding my breath for that to happen, but maybe.
The food was really worth it, though. Probably the best etoufee I’ve had in a really long time… or ever!
Like I said, that wasn’t the plan, but it was so worth it! Nearly four hours later, I’m still full…
The plan had been to get my nails done, and then go to the Chiropractor, and then find a nice quiet place to write. I’m behind schedule… again. I had given up on the weekly Twitter chat (also called #JustAddTea) because I couldn’t balance creating the questions, and doing the necessary PR, and writing on my creative projects, and trying to have a social life, and actually do my job.
Teaching wise, I’ve been mostly on top of things… I think. There have definitely been some setbacks, but nothing nearly as intense as last year. I’ve been able to keep most of my paperwork up to date… I think. And I can see the kids learning things, though I’ve had to kind of accept that I have to tweak the “team” lesson plan in order to teach it to the best of my ability.
This, of course, isn’t always seen as acceptable, but after four years of watching other teachers nod their head and say they’re doing one thing, while doing something completely different in their classrooms, the fact that I’m only modifying the lesson instead of doing something completely different (which several times I would have liked to have done) should, in theory, count for something.
Meanwhile, I’d like some distractions. I mean, I’m going to be turning 36 in a few months, and my longest relationship has been the weird back and forth with the Boy… which he doesn’t consider a relationship, and recently has made it quite clear that me wanting basic respect isn’t even acceptable.
Which, unfortunately, makes him like most of the men in my life.
I think I explained last weekend that of the three guys in my life recently (not including the Boy and other Friends Only guys) none of them have been willing to accept that sometimes things need to be on my time schedule.
Sometimes Guy told me he valued conversation, and then ghosted immediately after the two times we’ve gone out… which were almost exactly a month apart! Thus prompting me to tell him that if he can’t even be cordial between times he decides that I’m worthy of his time, then I have no further use of him because I NEED conversation in order to view a guy as worth MY time. He couldn’t even be bothered to respond to that.
And Mr. Second Chance decided to share some not so private videos (he’s got a website) that he’s made of himself, in order to spice up the conversation, but can’t seem to handle an actual conversation either. First, he apologized and asked for a “Reboot,” and when he told me that he felt bad for making me feel like he was asking me to be a side chick, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Then he kept saying that he needed a woman who could handle his “progressive” nature, and his… member (hence the sending of the video).
That sounded like he was looking for something serious, and yet because of the way he treated me before, I felt that it was just a fantasy he was feeding me, and thus I responded with a less than enthusiastic response about relationships.
I didn’t trust him, but I want someone who comes around when I have a need of them instead of the other way around where they summon me like a genie…
And then, I realized that wasn’t fair. I didn’t want to use someone like guys kept trying to use me. I DO want a relationship, and here was a guy asking me for a do-over so maybe we could have one, and I shut down because I didn’t trust him. So I asked him to give me a call because I wanted to hear his voice…
As in I wanted to hear what he sounded like. But I realize now how creepy that might sound.
He has also now ghosted.
Which leaves Mr. Quiet. I’d told him off because of the way he summoned me and then changed his mind and then changed it back, which I took for playing games, but other people took it to mean he was talking to multiple women and kept accidentally sending me the messages instead of sending them to whomever it was he really wanted to invite over…
That is, until it was late enough that I was the only option.
So I also told him off. Well, what I said was that because he couldn’t make up his mind, that he’d have to wait because I had other options that weren’t as much work as he was. He responded by telling me to “go the fuck elsewhere then.”
That seemed pretty definitive, and yet now he’s asking again to hang out… still on his terms. Even though I don’t want to believe that he is that level of a jerk, I also am no longer accepting that level of disrespect, so I’m not sure he’ll have much luck.
Which is basically what I’d told all three of them in different ways.
And also what I’d told the Boy. His response was to tell me that I shouldn’t accept that… but he does that, too. So was he telling me to get rid of him as well? He says no. He says that if I need people in my life to treat me like I’m actually a human, then I need to find people who can actually do that.
It makes me sad, because I no longer believe that there are men that want to date me that can do that.
There are no more nice men, and in reality, there have never been nice men in my life. I’ve always been an option, or the side chick, or the plaything. And when I try not to be that, I’m discarded for having self-respect. Even the two men who proposed to me in my past treated me like an option, which is why I never married either of them.
So… what I want now is a distraction. I want to not think about how lonely my life is and how lonely it seems destined to always be.
For me, I guess that distraction is life. It’s work. It’s the Twitter Chat on Sunday mornings. It’s being there for my students. It’s just trying to survive.
I’ll try to be happier before the Twitter Chat tomorrow, but for now, I don’t think there’s a distraction big enough to make me smile.
Thanks for bearing with me. Hopefully next week I won’t feel so blue.