I’ve had some time to think over this holiday break, and I’ve come to several conclusions: yes, there is drama in my life, and yes, I am complicated because my brain doesn’t work like most other people’s brains do, and yes, I do try too hard in my interactions with the opposite sex, but in spite of all of that, I’ve learned that some of my man issues stem from me expecting to be respected and treated like an equal.
I know! Imagine a woman expecting to be viewed as an equal to her romantic partner in 2016 (almost 2017)! I should be ashamed of myself for not being prepared to please my man with a sandwich whenever he asks for it.
And I should have a job, and pay all the bills and wait to speak until spoken to, and cook and clean like the hired help, and, and, and… I should do all of these things with a smile, like a good little submissive wife of the 50’s and not question my lot in life.
Apparently, living in Texas means that I shouldn’t expect equality because men don’t think of woman as equals here. They legitimately still see us just as objects for their entertainment or use. Anytime you question them about their behavior, they throw a temper tantrum like a toddler. It doesn’t matter if their behavior was wrong or misleading or downright rude! In fact, the worse their behavior, the more they are offended by you questioning it.
I think it’s safe to say that the biggest epiphany I’ve had over this break is that when a man tells me that I bring drama, or that I’m being dramatic, what he really means is “how dare you expect me to respect you!”
Since the last time I wrote, there are 2 new Tinderfellas in the queue.
Well, there were 2 new Tinderfellas; I accidentally scared one of them off… the one I actually think had potential.
He took me to breakfast the day I left to go to my hometown for Christmas, and I thought we really hit it off! We made plans to get together when I got back into town, but he’s military and was called back on duty and so we couldn’t. Then, you know me, I came on too strong, trying to show that I was actually interested in him as a human being, and now he’s ghosted.
See, we matched before I left for my hometown, and we talked on the phone very briefly, and on the phone, he seemed rather pushy and dumb. My dad pointed out that him being military didn’t mean he was dumb, and in fact, that wasn’t why I thought he was dumb, though I have had dated a handful of stereotypically dumb jock type military guys. With this guy, it was the way he tried to convince me to meet him right then and there in the middle of the night. His arguments lacked substance and he was going round in circles, not really saying much, and he was very pushy…
Then at breakfast, while I was prepared for total fluff and didn’t think we’d click, he came at me with a political discussion and showed me that he was actually rather intelligent.
Which made me nervous… I don’t know how to talk to people very well sometimes anyway, and I had not been prepared for a conversation of substance!
But we had a very exciting time at breakfast, and then he walked me to my car and gave me a kiss I won’t be forgetting any time soon!
He texted me some while I drove to my hometown, and then quite a bit more the whole first night. We texted on and off for a day or two until his responses started to take longer to come back and some never came, and so I tried to text less as well, but the damage was already done. My last question never got a response and it’s been over a day.
Scared him off in under a week. That may be a record…at least for me.
Glad to know there are some people worse at this than I am!
I wasn’t emotionally invested, so it’s not a big deal, just a little sad because he was well fun to talk to, a good kisser, well educated, and an officer! Never had a chance to date one of those. All my previous experience has been with enlisted guys, who tend to lack the intellectual debate skills I like in my men.
Speaking of lacking debate/communication skills, I think it’s safe to say that things are done with Mr. Quiet.
And this is where that whole respect thing comes in.
So, I think I’ve told you before that he and I were supposed to go out over Thanksgiving break, and he canceled (he said rescheduled, but didn’t). Then we were supposed to go out before I left for my hometown, but again he canceled (which was why I went looking for someone else in the first place and met the guy I’ve already scared away). When I said something to him about it, he accused me of “bringing drama a little bit.”
And so the epiphany begins. I thought at first it was just that my awkwardness made me give mixed signals. I had thought that he thought I was trying to move too fast, and since Mr. Quiet still considers himself recently divorced (for real this time… unlike the Bartender), I thought he was hesitant because of that. So I apologized for giving mixed signals, but I don’t think that’s what it is.
See, the Boy gets angry at me when I point out the ways in which he disrespects me, and it always leads to a fight. He tells me that I forget about all the good he’s done and only focus on the negative, but that’s inaccurate. That is a gaslighting move to get me to not focus on the fact that whatever it was that he did was highly disrespectful!
For instance, this last fight (which I’m fairly certain is the end for real for real) was about him canceling on me and not keeping a verbal agreement. To me, an appointment or date is a verbal agreement, a promise, that that time is set. It’s written in stone, a definite thing. It is a promise, a guarantee that the two people will get together for whatever activity they have planned, and to cancel is like breaking a promise. It is disrespectful of the other person’s time, and it says that you don’t value that person at all.
Hence the fight. To the Boy, it’s just a suggestion, an idea, it has no value and therefor it means nothing if it is rescheduled.
But it is disrespectful, and that is what upsets me. It upsets me because I am tired of being disrespected, and yet me asking for him to respect me and my time is a stupid argument to him.
This particular situation is not unique. It seems that every time I have an issue with something someone does, if I point it out that I don’t like what they’re doing, they tell me I’m complicated, or being a drama queen, or that I’m trying to trap them into a relationship. People keep telling me that I don’t need to say anything to the other person, but rather just walk away, and I don’t understand that. Why shouldn’t I express my displeasure with the way they disrespect me?
I think it comes down to that men are used to being in total control, and for me to express that something they are doing is wrong, forces them to face their own shortcomings. Instead of recognizing what they are doing is wrong, they say I’m just too hard to deal with.
When all I want is to be respected and treated like an equal.
Honest communication, and respect me the same way you would respect a business associate, instead of trying to subjugate me!
Mr. Quiet canceling on me repeatedly gives the appearance that he has no interest in me, and when I said that, he came back with “if I wasn’t interested, I just wouldn’t respond.” Well, that’s equally as rude, but I accepted it as an explanation and thought to myself, “well, I guess it is just me not understanding human behavior…” but actions speak louder than words, and if I’ve learned nothing else from the Boy, it’s that if you say one thing, but you continually do the opposite, then your words mean nothing.
So when I came back into town, I texted Mr. Quiet, giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was interested and I was the broken one. I asked if he wanted to have that drink like we’d been talking about, and he said “yeah, cool…” He’s such a sweet talker.
After some back and forth, he finally told me he wasn’t back in town. Then day before yesterday, he told me he should be home the next couple of days. I didn’t know if this meant he would be arriving in the next couple of days, or if he was home and had nothing planned for the next couple of days, but in attempt to let him plan, I told him I had a party the next day and had a date for New Year’s Eve, but otherwise, I didn’t have much going on.
His response: “Let me know…”
Me: “Let you know what?”
Mr. Quiet: (20 minutes later) “Ok”
Another round of texting later, he finally explained that I should let him know when I was free for us to get together… But… that’s what I did… Which got me another “Ok cool.”
Then yesterday, I tried to suggest we get together tomorrow (now today), and he responded (while I was at the party I tried to invite him to) by sending me his address with instructions to let him know when I left and how long it was going to take to get to his place.
But I was at a party, and I’d just poured myself another drink… So he asked questions about the party, and I gave him details and told him he could still come to the party if he wanted.
At which point he told me he wasn’t home because he was still out of town, and then when I asked about tomorrow (now today), he told me he’d be busy.
A couple hours of very confused intermittent texting later, he was telling me to come over, after I’d already left and was mostly home.
I’m just not going to be disrespected like that. Don’t dangle a meeting in front of me like a carrot and then take it away and expect me to be nice to you and beg you for attention. I’ll explain my point of view, and I’ll give you the opportunity to clear up the confusion, but I’m not going to be made to look like a desperate fool, because believe me. I’m not.
That was the mistake I kept making with the Boy. He would actually talk to me and try to clear up the confusion so I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was legitimately interested in me as a person, but the disrespect kept happening over and over and over again. The same major mistreatments, and then when I pointed out his bad behavior, I’m the bitch.
I’m not going through that again, especially not with someone who will tell me that he is busy tomorrow by texting “I’m be busy tomorrow…”
Grammar is important.
And I won’t apologize for requiring respect.