So. It’s two days until Christmas. I woke up this morning, excited! Yesterday, they told me that the other guy’s insurance was gonna cover the rental car, my email showed me that Sense 8 Season 2 is finally about to start (and there is a Christmas episode uploaded now!!), and Goodreads Guy graced me with an email and a naughty photo…
Haven’t heard from him in quite a while, and didn’t expect to hear from him ever again, to be honest.
And yet, there he was. In my email, saying he was “just thinking about [me].”
After watching the Christmas episode of Sense 8, which is over 2 hours long, I checked my phone to see that the other guy’s insurance company (remember, I got rear-ended the other day) has decided that they are totaling my car. The Boy absolutely won’t answer any of my attempts to communicate. And Mr. Quiet has decided to cancel our outing this evening.
So. Merry Fucking Christmas to me!
2016 has been very full of ups and downs for me. I began the year on quite the high. I got a new car, for a good deal. I was in a house that I liked, with roommates that were kind and neat. Granted, I was having issues with work, between the anxiety and not understanding things about myself and why I can’t really communicate with people, especially guys, but those things got figured out by about Aprilish… if memory serves.
Then in February, amidst all the craziness of figuring myself out and having a small emotional crisis, I met a guy who for the first time in my life treated me like a princess. A guy who said he loved me and started making all sorts of plans to take me to meet his mother and all sorts of things.
I was very happy… And I’ve got the pic to prove it.
But he was fake. Everything about him was fake. He said to me that he loved me, and the fantasy he gave me felt so wonderful that I fell for it completely… until he took me on a magical date and then told me that we could never see each other again.
Then all the lies started to unravel and it was particularly hard for me. Thankfully by then the doctor/therapist I was seeing had found an anti-anxiety pill combo that worked for me.
And then my car got flooded… It was almost a catastrophe, but no serious damage was done. At least not that I could tell… I never took it into the shop because, once the smell was gone, it was pretty okay.
And let’s not forget my bank account getting hacked or whatever it’s called! That happened right around my birthday and the end of the school year.
Then over the summer, there was the Pirate.
Another one who gave me a bit of a fantasy, almost literally, since he actually liked to dress up like a pirate… He was very fake. That one was complicated by some Internet Troll who thought it was great fun to make fun of the Aspie who couldn’t see through the fantasy, or see what the Pirate was “trying to tell [me].”
I’ve never had good luck with guys. I don’t understand them. I like them better than women, though, because most days guys tell it like it is… except in relationships, where it is most important to be honest. When a guy likes a girl, he seems to put all his words through what I suppose is a girl filter. They say the pretty words, they lie, they twist things around, they keep secrets, they make promises they can’t keep.
They will say they can’t wait to see you again and then quit responding to texts.
Or they continually cancel on you. Which is the issue I have with the Boy. On the one hand, I see how he tries, because I told him that the canceling was an issue for me, so if he HAD to cancel, to show that he actually wanted to spend time with me, it was important for him to reschedule. Then it became that he just rescheduled indefinitely. There have been at least 3 movies that we have agreed to see that he and I have not seen because he rescheduled on me and then went and saw with someone else. Meanwhile, I didn’t get to see them (well, 2 of them) because I had been waiting on him.
This behavior, to me, suggests that he doesn’t want to spend time with me, and it hurts my feelings. Not to mention it absolutely destroys my schedule, which is rather important to me.
I had not planned anything today except picking up the rental car and going out with Mr. Quiet. Why? Because Mr. Quiet hadn’t exactly specified a time when we were going out, and if I had scheduled something and then it coincided with the time that he determined we could go out, I would have become extremely nervous. Do I cancel the plans that I made while waiting for him to confirm? Even though I made tentative plans with him first? Or do I cancel on him and make him reschedule because he waited too long to come up with a plan for us?
No matter who I cancel on, I will feel guilty because I have gotten rid of the people whom I don’t like in my life, so anyone I cancel on would be someone that I find value in. It is very uncomfortable for me.
My schedule is so tied into my routine that I haven’t even had breakfast yet even though it is well into the afternoon because I haven’t had my shower yet… because it’s Christmas break and my routine is already completely off.
Schedule and routine are kind of important to me. It’s an Aspie thing, I’m told.
Of course, today it doesn’t matter because Mr. Quiet canceled.
This is particularly a problem for me because it does not set a good precedent. This is the second time, in a month that he has canceled… or rather postponed indefinitely. We were supposed to go out for drinks over Thanksgiving, but that never happened because his money was funny… he’d apparently been responsible for Thanksgiving dinner at his place. Now he says he has to put his car in the shop… ok. I’ll buy that, but then why not do something else? Well, we can’t because he’s busy all weekend.
Which basically means that I’m not high enough on his list of priorities for him to include me in his schedule of things to do.
I just finished fighting with the Boy over that very thing, and now we’re not talking.
Maybe it’s just a guy thing I don’t understand.
So…Back to the suckage that is 2016: After the Pirate, there were a handful of guys who were around for a little while. there was a guy from out of town, whose nickname I’ve forgotten (although he contacted me yesterday), and the email fantasy thing with Goodreads Guy that blew up because it was the same boring fantasy… though the pictures were nice. And the on again off again friendship thing with the Boy. We’re definitely off again at the moment, it seems. And probably for a very long time, like forever!
And the getting forced to move, and moving into a bad situation where there was no quiet or privacy or necessities, like… GAS and HOT WATER!
So now I’m staying with a friend, for longer than I had anticipated, with all of my stuff (what’s left of it) in storage. All I had was my car, really. And then that got rear-ended and now they want to total it.
This past week, Trump was officially voted in as president, which is a crisis all on it’s own, but in my personal life, I’ve lost my best friend, the guy I was interested in (I think, anyway, I don’t think I can count on him and that’s a bad situation for me), my car, and I still haven’t done ANY of my Christmas shopping.
Today I pick up my rental car (assuming I’m still allowed to get one, since they’re totaling my car), and I get to go home with no gifts to give, and no cheer to share. If I was in my own place, I’d just lock the door and stay home, locked in the dark until 2017 got here with better news.
At least I hope it has better things to come.