If we were talking over coffee, this weekend we’d be sitting on the big comfy leather couch in the living room where I’m staying at the moment, talking over whichever Netflix show you’re bingewatching at the moment. For me, it’s the third season of The Fall.
We’ve talked about it before because of the lead female character, Stella Gibson (played by Gillian Anderson). I aspire to be more like her.
I need some of her strength of will, and her ability to read people and understand them. I just watched her explain how the husband of one of the victims could help or hinder his wife’s recovery based on how he reacts. She was calm and soothing, but basically telling him to not be a twat (please hear that in the British accent as was intended).
Mostly though, it’s her strength. And while, when I was speaking of the show before, I was certain that I had her strength and that was why I was having issues with the men in my life, now I know that isn’t true.
I do need a man to tell me that I’m worth his time. I need the reassurance that I am not so broken and ugly that no one will have me. I need to know that I won’t be alone forever. That there is someone who finds value in me. Sees that I have worth, that I am a princess.
If you’ve been keeping up with my Instagram feed, even if just here on this site, you’ve probably gleaned that something is not quite right. I have, as you know, been speaking with the Boy, and it has gone… not so well. There have been moments where things are going very well. Moments where I feel like we’ve made a real connection, where we can talk and feels normal and as comfortable as it was in the very, very beginning.
Or at least, I thought it was.
This has been a recurring theme with he and I. I think we’re being honest and open with one another, then it turns out that I’m being honest and open, and he’s not.
I’m sharing how I feel, what I want, what I expect. The second I am not comfortable with a situation, I say what is on my mind, sometimes too soon, and not a fully developed or coherent feeling, which I suppose can muddle the issue somewhat, but I am trying.
Meanwhile, he is still changing the rules when he sees fit without giving me any kind of warning that something might be up. One minute, I think we’re ok, and the next, he’s telling me we can’t do something that we’d both agreed on, or he’s telling me that I’m forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do.
So, I think that perhaps I was wrong when I thought we could be friends. I don’t know how to not be honest and open about what I’m feeling or when something makes me uncomfortable, and it seems like it makes him uncomfortable to be open and honest. He’d rather just deal with it on his own.
The problem is that a relationship, even just a friendship, doesn’t work when people aren’t honest with each other. If either party is uncomfortable, then the relationship is broken. What’s worse, though, is that if they can’t talk about what is the cause of the discomfort, it can’t be fixed.
Three attempts, maybe more, over the past three years, and nothing has changed in that regard. The communication is still broken.
No true progress at all.
So… I’ve told him how I feel. One last time.
I personally think that perhaps our experiment has come to an end. It saddens me. A lot! But I don’t know if there’s any way to solve it unless he finally has decided to talk about things that make him uncomfortable, and I don’t think he has. His comfort will always be paramount to him, even to the extent of making me uncomfortable from time to time.
I do have to give him credit. There have been times when I’ve needed something, and while I’ve had to absolutely beg to get him to do it, he did. I think he’d argue that the fact that he did them was sign enough that he cares, and maybe it is, but after he does those things, I have to prove myself again. We go back to even before we were friends the first time. It’s like every time he does something I need, I’m punished for needing it. I desperately want him to just do a thing because I ask, because he’s listened to me and it’s important for me to not be uncomfortable, too.
Because it is important to me that he’s not uncomfortable, but I’m tired of putting my needs to the side for his comfort, and he never seems to see that he does that.
So, I’ve told him exactly how I feel. I’ve told him I even think we can’t be friends. I’m waiting to hear back. I don’t even know what I want to happen at this point. I may need to channel Stella Gibson after all.