Well, I’m trying to, anyhow.
Yesterday, when I posted about the latest batch of Tinderfellas, I was feeling pretty good about the potential state of my love life. And then it all came crashing down in unbelievably quick fashion.
I’m not even 100% sure I could explain what happened. I just all of a sudden had the feeling that I was going to be alone forever, and that feeling grabbed me and dragged me into a deep dark disparaging hole of depression.
On the one hand, Mr. Black was really trying to see me… but not just see me. He wanted me to come directly to his home. I wasn’t comfortable with that when he initially suggested it, but I was unsure how he would react, seeing as he was looking to be my Mr. Grey…
I mean, how do you tell a guy who wants to order you around, and who has expressed that complete submission is what he’s after that you’re uncomfortable going to his home?
So, I wavered. And he noticed. And he was (as I expected) displeased. The first time I expressed concern, he tried to assure me that he knew I was exactly what he was looking for.
Well, the Gym Guy had said the same thing, and then face to face, he was obviously displeased with me. The Boy tells me that his reaction proves how dumb Gym Guy was, and while that makes me feel somewhat better, it doesn’t 100% make me feel better because the Boy doesn’t want me like that either. Or at least not anymore. He doesn’t see my value, or at least I don’t see that he does.
We discussed that very thing last night, but we’re not to that point in my collapse just yet.
Back to Mr. Black.
The more he tried to tell me how pleased he was with me (when I would say “Yes Sir” in response to his directions), or when he would tell me he couldn’t wait to meet me, it made me more nervous instead of less.
I’ve become terrified of that fantasy that never lasts. Terrified of the courting stage because it’s almost always based on lies. It’s based on someone being on their best behavior, not their true behavior. And it never lasts. They say all the right things, and they are quick to say I’m beautiful, but then when it begins to fall apart, one of the first things that gets said is about my weight or any variety of the other physical flaws I possess.
I want someone who accepts me with my flaws. Someone who is worthy of me at my best because they still wanted me at my worst.
So, as I said, Mr. Black was very kind in the beginning, but I was still getting more and more nervous. The first time I wavered, he treated me with kindness, and almost became submissive in his responses to me. We still hadn’t met face to face, and that was really beginning to stress me out. He was very adamant that I should just come over to his house because he knew what he wanted.
A man that dominant, that I haven’t met before, I was concerned that he would be like some of my exes who were more like the character of Christian Grey, who didn’t understand the way that lifestyle works and would assume that being dominant meant that they could be abusive. Like the guy who when we discussed that sort of relationship, the very first thing he did was do the ONE thing I said was off-limits, telling me that if he was the dom, then nothing was off-limits.
That’s not how that kind of arrangement is designed to work. That’s abuse, not healthy dom/sub behavior.
And I knew that guy. We’d been dating on and off for several months! If someone I knew could break the rules, then someone I didn’t know could as well. I wanted to meet him face to face to get a gauge of how serious he was in the life. To see if he was sincere, to see if he was respectful, to see if he actually liked me.
His response was to tell me that was for me, and not for him… So, my needs were unimportant? That was what I was afraid of. When I didn’t respond to that, he added that he didn’t have much time for such a thing.
Justifying why my needs were unimportant.
And so I was done. But then he came around and said that if that was what I needed, we could schedule it, in a way that was comfortable for us both.
When I simply said, “Ok,” instead of “yes sir,” he told me I’d done a complete 360… (yeah that’s a circle, he might not be as bright as I originally thought), and then told me that this was no longer pleasurable to him, and we should not continue.
So be it.
Meanwhile, the Boy and I got into an argument because we were trying to schedule a get together, and he decided it should be something of a party with his friends.
I’m not ready for that. He’s exceedingly sarcastic with his friends because that’s their personality, and I’m uncomfortable, oh so uncomfortable with sarcasm!
Plus, it was a friend I didn’t know whom he mentioned, and I’m just not ready to meet any more of his friends because he and I aren’t solid. Neither of us is even 100% sure of what we are. Are we friends? Are we more? Why do we even keep talking to one another when we keep having arguments?
And yet, he’s one of three people that are really there for me right now. I don’t mean just around, but really there for me.
Apparently, I didn’t express myself right because, of course, I tried to explain why it was a bad idea and used what had happened to us in the past as an example to prove my point.
It’s a thing that I do that makes me a good teacher, giving examples as I go, but it upsets the Boy because he thinks I do it just to make him feel bad… or something.
And so it caused an argument. Again.
And because he couldn’t talk to me about it right away, it ate at me, while I was dealing with Mr. Black, and while I was waiting. All. Day. To finish the conversation, until I was, as I said, in a pretty low place.
I was sure that no one could ever love me. That I had pushed Mr. Black away just because I’m broken, and that the one person who I have always felt like I could be myself 100% of the time would never be able to understand me. And if he and I couldn’t even be friends, then it was obvious that it was a problem with me and that I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life, maybe even longer…
But today I’m bouncing back.
The Boy and I talked for a long time last night, and I’m still not sure what we’re doing exactly, but I know that I need him in my life, and I think he feels the same. He both told me and showed me that he does actually value me, and we have this new honesty that is wholly sincere between us, and it’s nice.
He even told me that was one of the things he valued about me: I’m genuine, without pretense. And he stayed on the phone with me until I was okay.
And today he asked if I felt better, and complimented me when I sent him a picture. It’s amazing how something as simple as “you look nice” can brighten a day.
Meanwhile, I got a manicure, since the old one started to peel (Gel isn’t supposed to do that, I thought…). It’s got just a hint of sparkle, and I got a discount, since last time they overcharged me.
And I’m having a somewhat healthy meal at Starbucks while drinking my favorite Chai frappuccino on the patio.
Still not as good as the iced chai latte at Mezamiz Deux in Abilene, but it’ll do.
The weather is cooler, but not chilly, and the sun just came out.
I think I’m gonna make it after all!