If we were talking this weekend over coffee, I’d tell you that I think I may have to aim for Saturdays for our weekly recap. Sundays, I seem to be too busy trying to recoup from the rest of the week, and I’m still not 100% set on my schedule in order to feel confident that I’ll get the post in before it’s too late to be part of the Coffee Share.
I’d also tell you that I was feeling under the weather again this weekend. I almost took yesterday off, but not because I was legitimately sick. That didn’t hit until last night.
I felt like I was about due for a Mental Health Day, but I don’t have my sub stuff put together, and I’d had a particularly rough day on Thursday with my 7th period class… I didn’t want them to think they’d scared me off. That would mean they won, and I don’t want to start that “game” with them.
I’m glad I didn’t take the day off because I had a very successful day with that class, and then had a quick little happy hour with some of my fellow teachers, which I’d missed or hadn’t been invited to the week before, and I was missing it a little bit. It’s good to have adult camaraderie every once in a while, especially when the only people I see regularly are young enough to actually be my children…
Speaking of, a couple of the boys in my 8th period class crossed a line from being friendly to being flirty, and I had to have a serious conversation with the whole class about how we were getting too casual with each other and that we couldn’t have that kind of talk because I was their teacher, and that meant that I did love them, all of them, but in the same way I would love my children… if I had any.
I had to remind one of them later that we weren’t crossing that line when we were sharing out about our Warm-Up, and I asked them what they saw in the Warm-Up picture. He told me he saw the “beautiful teacher that was trying to teach them…”
I’m not accustomed to that behavior, though Goodreads Guy had told me that I was being naive for not thinking that my students were harboring crushes because of the size of my tits.
Goodreads Guy is pretty crass, but that’s part of what makes him kind of fun. I think I scared him off, though. He had begun to bore me with the same fantasy over and over again in our conversations. He’d decided that I was nothing more than the sexy teacher fantasy, and I was beginning to get insulted because I was trying to actually be friends… or something… with him, and the sexy teacher fantasy makes me unbelievably uncomfortable because I DO think of my students as my children. Thus, that fantasy is the equivalent of some sort of weird pedophilic incest thing, and I don’t like it. It makes me feel yucky.
Yet, guy after guy thinks it’s hot, and wants to call me by my last name and tell me the naughty things they’d have done to me if they’d been my teacher. I’ve ruined the fantasy for several of them by telling them that they wouldn’t have gotten the opportunity to do those things because, if they’d been my student, we wouldn’t even have crossed the line to the point where they’d have a chance to do those things.
I do NOT see my students in a romantic light. Even after they graduate, they’re still my kiddos, though I have had a handful try to ask me out on a date after they’ve graduated. But it’s just not a thing that will EVER happen.
In other guy news, there is a new Tinderfella. He owns a gym, and is from the town where I was born. With me being adopted, I feel like that is dangerous. My mother seems convinced that it’s not really an issue, but I can’t shake the feeling that there’s like a 12% chance I’m related to this man that I am very convinced might actually want to see me as a first choice, instead of as a side piece or just an option for occasional fun.
There had been another Tinderfella that I’d broken my rule and given him my number before we’d met, but he’d been kind of sporadic in his responses, and just disappeared one day… I think I mentioned it in an earlier post…
I asked him to be up front with me, and let me know if he was still interested, or if he had moved on. He responded by telling me that there was a girl he’d been trying to get serious with who just finally decided she wanted to “lay claim” to him, so he didn’t want to lead me on. But that she was bisexual, and he still wanted to f*ck me.
I explained that, while I was flattered, I didn’t want to be in the middle of whatever he was going through, at which point he told me I’d only be in the middle of it if she knew about it, and he really, really wanted to f*ck me…
Yeah, no. I told him I definitely wasn’t interested in being someone’s side bitch. I’ve been there before, knowingly and unknowingly, and you know what? I deserve better. I’m tired of men seeing that as my only purpose, or worse, they’ll tell me that’s not the purpose they want for me, but then that becomes all that they want, and I deserve to be someone’s first choice!
I told the Boy that, as well.
We’d been talking a bit (yeah, I know, not smart, but whatever), and I was kvetching about how I deserve to be first choice, not one of a dozen, or the after thought, or the spare. I want to be first choice. I’d prefer to be only choice, but maybe men are incapable of that these days.
The Boy told me he agreed that I more than deserved to be first choice.
Took all of my strength not to tell him he didn’t have the right to say such things to me. I am aware he was trying to be supportive, but coming from the man who I would have given almost anything for him to choose me as first choice, it’s just a slap in the face. A reminder that while he says I deserve such things, he’s incapable of giving me those things. Brought up some nasty memories, because he will never be able to tell me why he couldn’t accept me as his first choice when we were actually a good fit.
Because in the beginning we were a good fit!
Ok, the fantasy he offered me was a good fit. I have to remember that who he was in the beginning was a lie. I just wish that didn’t still sting…
So, the first guy earned himself a block. I added his number to my spam list and blocked his phone calls. I don’t have time for that kind of mess. And while I am still tentatively talking to the Boy, I also explained to him that, because I DO deserve to be someone’s first choice, that if this new guy was the real deal, we’re done. I’m not screwing up something that could be real for him.
I was just that blunt, and apologized for being blunt, but he said that “no, blunt worked best for us,” and that he understood and accepted my terms.
So, yeah still talking, and potentially playing with (after all, that was the only thing we were ever actually good at), but not getting emotionally invested in the Boy ever again.
So the new guy. He’s nice. Maybe too nice, but I’m trying not to knock him out of the running for that. I’m more concerned because we haven’t had any intelligent conversation yet. Then again, I’ve had to cancel our first date twice. First because I was sick last weekend, and then on Wednesday because he wasn’t going to be off work until late.
We did have a conversation, though. Seems we’re both going through similarly strange housing situations. I’m still staying with a coworker, and he was supposed to move out on the 15th, but thought he wasn’t supposed to move until next month. It’s a kind of difficult to believe story, but then again, my living situation has been hard to explain for over a year now.
More than anything, though, his voice made me think that he should have been a character on Saved by the Bell. I’m not sure how to explain that better. It wasn’t a California surfer voice, but it was much too friendly sounding. There was a strange lilt to it; the cadence didn’t sound genuine, but more like a character.
And, for some reason, specifically a Saved by the Bell character.
Plus, we didn’t really discuss anything intellectual, which is my own personal test of a guy’s longevity in my life. I’m a little afraid that because he owns a gym, he won’t be intelligent, which I know is a stupid, outdated stereotype. He doesn’t strike me as a meathead, but I am a bit skeptical that he’ll be able to keep my interest for very long.
But, he’s managed a good balance of texting enough to show that he still is interested in me, without coming across as being too needy, and yes, I am aware of the irony in me saying such a thing… I get at least one text a day, and he’s very supportive. Like last night, I had to complete my beginning of the year goal setting for my evaluation process, and he was right there with the “you can do it” texts. I had forgotten all about the paperwork until about 8 pm, and it had to be in by midnight…
I made the deadline, and when I told him it was complete, he told me how he knew I could do it. I’m sure that attitude is very helpful when he’s coaching people at his gym, and it is exactly what I’ve needed. I’ve said I wanted my own cheerleader, so I want to give him a chance.
I just also need someone who’s going to rock my world, and he may be too nice; nice guys are sometimes a little too nice to do the things required to do that.
He’s campaigning for a date this weekend, but my nose is stuffed up again. I run myself so hard during the week, I keep getting sick on the weekends.
And I’m nervous that because I’m overweight, a guy who owns a gym won’t be interested in me, so I don’t want to get my hopes up.
Maybe I’m proactively knocking him out of the running in my head so I won’t be disappointed when he gives me the look that the Marine gave me when he saw me the first (and only) time.