Well, I’m getting closer to being back on schedule, but I missed the weekend Coffee Share. Having a Three Day weekend makes it extremely difficult to tell what day it is. I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday, but it’s not. It’s Monday. Labor Day.
I was supposed to go to my mother’s house this weekend to visit. I had been looking forward to it actually, especially because I haven’t been to a Lake Buchanan VFD Labor Day Barbecue in a longish while! I miss the barbecue from back home because they use a different wood, or a different technique. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s better!
I still haven’t found a place that has what I would call good barbecue since I’ve been to Houston, and that is (to a Texan girl) kind of a big deal.
With the sudden relocating and trying to find a new place on the fly, I don’t have the funds available for a road trip back home for a weekend, even a three-day weekend, so I’m sitting here, bored…
I played a lot of Sims this weekend.
And I started a new coloring book. It’s simpler, and yet I like it better than those super ornate ones that are for adults. They have tons of intricate designs that keep me from wanting to finish because it’s too many decisions about colors. This one was simple, like they used to be. It came out of my Loot4Girls box from LootCrate.
Plus I think I missed an outing with my book club girls, most of which I haven’t seen in over a year, so can I really claim them anymore? Probably not. Though it would have been nice to have been sociable again.
Not that I’m not sociable… just… I’m in that place where my life is at extremes, and I don’t like feeling like I’m imposing because I talk a lot and I can’t tell if they want to hear about it or not, but then when someone interjects and the conversation veers elsewhere unexpectedly, I feel like that is a not so subtle clue that I’ve been going on for longer than desired.
Nor do I like feeling like a spectacle for other people’s amusement like I do when the conversation doesn’t veer off, and instead people ask a ton of questions but offer no solutions, thus making me feel like they are living vicariously through my traumas.
It’s a precarious balance, and since the book club girls were a group that mostly just got to hear about my dating life, because it amused them and gave me a purpose, then when I have problems, I feel like I shouldn’t talk about it, and it makes it easier for me to feel the negative instead of actually getting some sort of benefit from talking about my problems.
It has to do with me not playing my role.
The Boy and I had discussed something similar before. It is important to me that I understand my purpose in a person’s life. Everyone has a purpose and a function in mine. I don’t have friends that are just friends unless you’ve known me more than 10 years, and even then, there’s this expectation (at least on my part) that we are there to help one another, even if it’s just by being someone to emotionally lean on every once in a while.
The Boy told me that was my hang up not his, and so he didn’t need me to have a purpose, and that I would basically just have to accept that. I couldn’t. Not having a purpose meant that there was no guarantee that he would need/want me around, which he often showed me that he didn’t, even though he would tell me that wasn’t what his actions meant.
It was a big cause of my distress where he was concerned.
But it’s also a thing that keeps coming up for me.
I’m back on Tinder (I think I may have mentioned that), and I’ve been talking to a couple of… well, gentlemen may not be the right word, but men assuredly. I find myself struggling because I don’t know how to initiate the next step. People tell me I shouldn’t, but with my lack of understanding about certain social skills, I legitimately don’t know how to tell from a text if someone likes me or is just being flirtatious.
In text, there is no clear end to the conversation, and thus, in my world, the conversation is ongoing. This is why I would often just continue where we left off in a texting conversation with the Boy, and then he would interject “Hi Liz,” to remind me that I was being rude and not following the accepted norms.
When he texts, “Hi Liz,” in the middle of what I’m saying, it makes me feel like he doesn’t really want to talk to me. I hear it in that bored/annoyed tone when a character on a sitcom is being forced to hang out with their little sibling’s friend, or something equally as unpleasant.
In reality, though (or at least I hope this is the case), for him, the conversation had been completed the last time we parted ways, and yet, there had been no decision, or “winner” if it was an argument, thus, to me, the conversation was still going.
The Pirate had a similar issue with me, because he said on more than one occasion that conversations were supposed to end.
It seems to me, though, that if there isn’t a clear end to a conversation, where the outcome is agreed upon, then how is the conversation just over? Yet over and over again, when I’m talking to someone, whether good or bad, there will be a point in the conversation where there’s supposed to be an end to whatever we were discussing, and I miss some non-existent cue that we are supposed to just drop that topic.
In the Boy’s situation, I didn’t know that I had this particular hangup… or rather that it was due to me being broken by conventional standards. With the Pirate, I knew I was broken, but still hadn’t made the connection that this was a problem with my perception of how conversations work. I had told him about the Asperger’s up front, but, as his mouthpiece (troll that she was) has stated (and she’s probably right), he didn’t think it was legit.
At best he didn’t understand what it meant, just like the Bartender didn’t. At worst, and also like the Bartender, he didn’t care.
So now I’m talking to a couple of new guys. One asked for my phone number right away and made a good case as to why I should give it to him. The other is moving slower, and having that ongoing conversation I was talking about.
My issue is that I don’t know how long to wait between responses. I’ve tried to keep the conversation going, but it’s hard to know what to talk about when you don’t know anything about the person, and when they just quit responding, it’s hard to tell if they got busy, or if they are no longer interested.
I don’t mean totally quit responding, or at least I hope that’s not the case. I mean when you’re in the middle of a conversation, and then the other person drops off for a while. How long until you are supposed to recognize that they are ghosting, and not just busy?
Like with the first, the guy who asked for my number, he took the conversation to a dirty place, and I went there right along with him to see what he was capable of. It’s important to me that he be able to entice my mind first, so it is an important step… though he may have jumped to that place awfully soon.
But then he asked a question that wasn’t exactly a sexy question to me.
I answered it honestly, but then the conversation just died, and I’m not sure how to fix it, or if it is fixable, or if I even want to.
He had potential, so I don’t want to just give up, and I’m aware that sometimes I answer honestly when a guy is trying to be sexy and that, in those instances, they would prefer some sort of fantasy… but I can’t do that, unless I’m in a particular frame of mind. I can’t just turn it on and off at someone else’s whim. Especially when I don’t know the other person very well…
So here’s my conundrum. Yeah, I want to fix it, but more than that, how do you tell someone that you struggle with conversations and don’t know when you’ve crossed a boundary without freaking them out? I tried to tell Mr. Nice Guy that if I was acting weird, I needed him to let me know, and he disappeared. I did mess that one up, though… he tried to tell me and I panicked!
I have to learn not to panic, but when they tell me that I’m being pushy, I feel the need to analyze my actions. I guess I need them to be more specific and explain to me what it is that I’m doing that is crossing a boundary.
I need rules. I had told that to the Boy and he acted like I was being ridiculous.
I don’t know why I keep letting the way things were with him hurt my feelings even now. I should just accept that he and I were never going to be compatible. Even as friends. I need to stop letting the way things happened with him be my guide because he may be as broken as I am. Which is probably why I keep thinking it could have worked. If we could have just figured out how to be broken together, but that’s not how it works, I guess.
That’s stupid RomCom logic.
Now I have new Tinderfellas to worry about screwing things up with, so, I’ll take any advice you can give.