I Know My Worth

One of the things that is important about romance, whether in real life or in fictional works, is the need to feel wanted and to feel worthy of being wanted. Something came up with a conversation with a friend last night, where he started to tell me that eventually I might be confident enough to see myself as worthy. It upset me a great deal, and I immediately jumped down his throat and told him not to lecture me.

It took me all night and into this morning (in the shower) to realize what it was I was really angry about.

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I wasn’t angry that he was lecturing me. I wasn’t even angry that he was telling me that I was worth it, even though he doesn’t want me in that way, though sometimes that is a thing that bothers me.

I was angry at the assumption that I don’t know my own worth.

There’s this idea that me wanting to hear that the other person thinks I’m worth it, is because I’m weak, that I lack the self-esteem and confidence to not need the reassurance.

Let’s be clear: one of the reasons that I do keep going out on dates, and am confident enough to be comfortable with a physical only relationship is because I am aware of my self worth. I may have a moment or two of doubt, but I am as strong as Stella Gibson from The Fall.

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One of the things that I regularly get frustrated with is the fact that men assume that when I want to be intimate with them that it is because I’ve become emotionally attached to them.

It made me very angry when the Pirate perverted my attempt to be coquettish as me being overly emotionally attached to him. Yeah, I liked him, but I spent most of my time repeating the phrase that I “really liked him…” but couldn’t tell you why because I was actually trying to convince myself it was true.

This has been a constant struggle for me. My guy friends keep telling me that it shouldn’t be difficult to find someone who is looking for a no-strings attached sort of situation, or even a handful of people for that sort of situation. I suppose that is true, but in order to get what I want out of the situation it is very difficult.

I don’t want to have a handful of lovers waiting around for different days of the week, or something crazy like that.

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I also don’t want to jump directly into a relationship, contrary to what people keep assuming I want… which is obviously my fault because it keeps happening, but I don’t know how to fix it so we’ll have to work around that.

What I want, is to be able to date a single person while I figure out if they are someone with whom I am comfortable. I might even be comfortable with dating a few people, but once I recognize that I am more comfortable with one than the others, I want to be able to really focus on that person. And if/when I become intimate with someone, I want to be able to explore each other and find what works for us. Note I said for us, as in both of us, as in not just good for him or good for me,  but that requires open, honest communication.

And that is hard to get…though I don’t understand why.

We’ve discussed this before. I get very frustrated with the fantasy. The fantasies last about 6 weeks, because that seems to be the maximum length for a man to be on good behavior, and it’s also about the amount of time it takes me to be comfortable enough with a person so that I can be truly 100% myself.

That may also be a problem with me, I don’t know.

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My issue with the statement that I need to be strong enough, or confident enough to not need reassurance goes back to that fantasy. Relationships only happen if both parties are interested, and I can’t always tell if a person is interested, especially because the fantasy is so often what I get. When I ask for reassurance, it’s because I need to know where I stand with the other person. I need it spoken out loud and in a language I understand.

When I choose to date a person, it’s not because I’m settling because I don’t know my worth, it’s because I’ve accepted that person as worthy of me. I don’t need someone to tell me that I’m worth it because I don’t know; I need someone to tell me that they see me as worthy of them because we have to be on the same page in order for a relationship to occur.

Love is a choice.

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You choose to love someone in spite of their bad habits and/or their flaws. You choose to see beyond the imperfections because you accept the person as they are.

When I ask for reassurance, I’m asking for clarification to see if the other person is even thinking about choosing me because I don’t know.

I don’t know, and history has shown me that if they aren’t verbal about how they feel, then they are using me and feeding me a fantasy.

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History has shown me that if a man can’t tell me they find me attractive, then they are legitimately just using me for the physical. If a man stops the physical and still can’t tell me I’m attractive, they are wasting both our times by keeping me around.

No compliments and no sex suggests that I’ve been friendzoned.

And all of those things suggest that the guy has chosen not to love me. They have decided that I am not worth the effort in their opinion.

When a man tells me that it’s not me, it’s them, it’s illogical. I have chosen them in spite of their faults, whatever thing it is that they have decided makes them not worthy of me is not up to them to decide if they are right for me. What they are actually telling me is that they are not choosing to work with me to make a relationship possible.

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When a man tells me that I am worth it, but he’s not interested, when he was interested, it is illogical to me that he just changed his mind. Something had to have happened, had to have changed. The alternative is that the interest they had shown in the beginning was actually a lie.

When a man tells me that I am worth it, as he is walking out the door, but he couldn’t tell me while I was begging for him to tell me that I was even just pretty, it comes across as a lie.

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So, when I need the reassurance, it’s not because I don’t know my own worth. It’s because I am tired of being told that I’m not worth being chosen to be loved by people that I have chosen to love. It’s insulting and it makes me angry.

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