This weekend, if we were talking over a cup of a coffee (or a glass of iced tea for me… it’s just too hot for coffee), I’d tell you that I feel like I’m starting over completely from scratch in almost every aspect of my life. Starting over in the dating sphere is obvious, since the Pirate situation imploded…
Though to be fair, I think I always knew it was going to.
The last few days have been spent nostalgically looking back through my posts. Remembering how angry I was at the Boy, remembering how amazing things felt with the Bartender, only to have it fall apart… also not a surprise in hindsight… And when I get to the sections about the Pirate, it was always lukewarm at best. If anything, I see myself saying I like him, and then following it pretty regularly with “I really do…” a pretty obvious sign if ever there was one that I was trying to convince myself that such a thing were true.
In fact, I remember my roommate asking me once, why I liked him, and I don’t know if I ever was able to answer that question.
After all, almost all of our interactions were about him, completely. And not in the way I used to say about the Boy, where I’d point out how the timing was all about him, and ignore the fact that he was going to the movie I’d picked, or not admitting to the fact that I’d anticipated how he’d act because I was so sure he was going to hurt me again.
Looking back, I think my situation with the Bartender gave me the closure I’d needed on that other situation. I don’t know how that in anyway makes sense, but it somehow feels right. I’d spent around three years of back and forth wondering what I could have done differently, on why I wasn’t enough, and why the Boy could do things that hurt me and not feel the slightest bit bad about it. I never felt like I’d been able to even that scoreboard in my head (we talked about it yesterday), and though it wasn’t fair to even the score with someone who was never involved, the ways in which the Bartender hurt me were so much worse than anything the Boy could have done.
Granted, I think the Boy has said more hurtful things, I have to admit that I’ve usually given as good as I got where he was concerned, and I’ve been not exactly nice to him either. There was a whole portion of our interactions that were just us hurting each other, and I’m not even sure why. Not sure if either of us was aware that was what we were doing at the time.
I remember that on a couple of occasions I’d said something that to me was just fact, and the Boy said to me, “that doesn’t even sound offensive to you, does it?” Something I’d said had hurt him, and I’d not even been aware of the hurt that I’d caused.
If that goes both ways, what does that say? Is it a thing that could have been fixable? Who knows…
Either way, somehow, I was able to transfer all my anger and hurt onto the Bartender, who was, by far a worse human being. Did the Boy cheat? Yeah, both on me (in my estimation), and with me. The Bartender, however, not only cheated, but he fed me a fantasy in order to fulfill his needs. Not only was he unfaithful to his wife, but he lied to me in order to do so, and furthermore, he treated me like I was important and used the L word to manipulate the situation in order to get the emotional intimacy he needed, though I told him I couldn’t give him that and maintain a FWB situation.
Worse than that, the Bartender spoke of our future, and our child… purposefully upping the emotional ante in order to… well, I don’t really know what his goal was, but it hurt.
And it made me cold for a while. Probably not as long as it should have. I got back on that dating horse sooner than I probably should have, but I’ve been much pickier in choosing.
If I’m honest, I chose the Pirate because he was very handsome, but also just nerdy enough and awkward enough that I was sure that he wasn’t capable of causing that level of pain.
Plus, he spent the first hour or two of our really long second date telling me how his unconventional job choices had made him the prime candidate for a husband and father. He went on about how he wanted the family life, and that while he was never going to be the financial provider of a family, he would be great at making good humans. As in, he was good at instilling moral values into children.
He wanted the traditional woman’s role, to be the one in charge of the home, though I’m not sure he was aware that was what he was saying. I think, based on his job choices and his interest in the arts, that he’d be very happy if he could be a stay at home dad and work on all his creative pursuits…
He better marry a very rich woman or actually be an heir to a small fortune in order to achieve that end. His art skills, like his bedroom skills, aren’t as great as he has convinced himself that they are. Personally, I think it’s because he doesn’t focus on one and master it. He’s spread himself through a great deal of interests. Jack of all trades, and all that.
So, with him gone, I’m back to the beginning. I’m back on Tinder. Swiping away, and I’m trying to determine what it is I really want out of it this time. With the Bartender I got someone who made me feel really special, even though it was a fantasy. With the Pirate, I got someone who suggested he was looking to settle down, and that wasn’t entirely true.
In fact it was an out and out lie, as he has since made a big fuss both to me and on Instagram about how he is oh so happy to be on his own and isn’t interested in anyone.
But, now I’m looking for someone who can give me both, but for real. I’m being even pickier than before… At least I think I am. I know what I want, and I’m going to keep looking until I find it.
I want someone who is ready to settle down, or who at least isn’t opposed to the idea, and who makes me feel special.
I also want someone who is willing to actually listen to me and talk to me. I want someone who will talk things out with me the way the Boy sometimes did. When he would talk to me, we were calm. It was always when he quit talking to me, when the secrets started happening, or when he decided that I didn’t need to know a thing that things would get uncalm between us.
I don’t think that’s asking too much, is it? Someone who thinks I’m special and tells me that along with other things. Someone who is honest and open with me. Someone who’s ready to settle down and have a family. That’s what I want.
I’m pretty sure that’s what I’ve always wanted, and I always assumed that an intellectual alpha (read “Geek”) would be able to give me that.
But I keep choosing men who are Geeks but really more Beta males. I don’t want to be the Alpha in the relationship, but perhaps it’s too ingrained in me that the woman should be the strong one. I do come from a very Matriarchal family. And the thing that all of these three have in common is that either they don’t have a degree or aren’t using it (the Pirate had a degree, but didn’t use it, neither the Bartender nor the Boy have degrees, though the Boy’s job makes him good money without one).
I know that’s not really necessary for an Alpha, but it follows the formula of the family dynamics I grew up with: the women have degrees (in my Mom’s case, a Master’s degree, even) and the men have blue collar jobs.
Maybe that’s part of my fascination with the Boy. I wouldn’t call his job blue collar in any way, but he doesn’t have a degree. It’s an interesting twist. Maybe it’s just one of the things that made him a more practical choice…
Ugh… Some days I really just need to get out of my head.
So, in other news this week, I got the book that my poetry has been published in. It’s been very satisfying to see my name in print, though they took two poems and squished them into one really long poem. Not exactly happy about that, but I suppose that’s part of what comes with not being actually involved in the process.
If you’d like to purchase the book and read my poems in print (instead of just on here) you can buy it on Amazon here. There’s some other really nice poems in there as well, and some artwork, too.
I also got some new contacts, for the first time in over a year, and bought some new glasses. They’re not in quite yet, but here’s a pic of me trying them on .
I’ll have my pair sometime next week. I’ll be sure to post pics on Instagram.
And that’s all the news I’m comfortable sharing at the moment. There are a few other things going on, like I have been talking to a few Tinderfellas. I’m only talking to the ones who seem serious about having a real relationship. No more of this “maybe I’ll grow to want one” business.
Meanwhile, my mother has offered to pay for Match or E-Harmony or something like that. I don’t really feel comfortable with that. For one thing, with her paying, I’ll feel pressured to get results because I know she doesn’t need the added expense. Plus, it just seems wrong for my mother to be paying to find love for me…
I’m giving it another year, and then I’m just going to a sperm bank and getting myself a kid. If within a year I can’t find someone who wants to actually be with me forever, I’ll just grow a human that doesn’t have a choice in the matter.
Obviously I’m being sarcastic, but I think that’s the actual plan as of now.
Thanks for following along. I’m sorry I’m getting wordier instead of more concise. Just… there’s a lot to weed through. Hope your weekend is going well!