Last week I had to cancel our weekly Twitter Chat so I could see an advanced screening of the movie Nerve, and while I missed talking to everyone, it was a movie that is definitely worth it. Even though the movie doesn’t come out officially for another week, I saw that there are several places around Houston already showing movie times, so expect my review to post shortly. Like, maybe later today or tomorrow at the latest.
In the meantime though, our virtual tea party is back on for tonight!
Our topic was supposed to be the future, and given that recent events have had me revisiting the past quite a bit, I’m kind of excited to talk tonight about where we’re going instead of where we’ve been.
Or at least where I’ve been…
Since the commenter known as Beck (also known as the Pirate’s Mouthpiece) has been confirmed, by her own admission, to be an Internet Troll, I attempted to apologize to the Pirate for getting so very upset about what she said. And whether he agrees with her or not is yet to be seen. His lack of comment is not (contrary to her improperly spelled opinion) proof that he agrees with what she had to say.
His silence began before her comments even started.
In fact, I’d already agreed to be silent and give him his space and had given him back the one thing that actually was suggestive of a relationship (the necklace) and was resigned to not speak to him again if that was what he decided. Her getting involved only made me angry, and caused me to lash out angrily because she was doing all the talking for him. If anything, it made me question more because it left a doubt as to where he stood because his silence could be because he was upset about my reaction, or that I blindsided him with my anger and he didn’t know how to react, or any number of other factors that I might not know.
But there is no question any further.
Like I said, I attempted to apologize for letting myself be ramrodded by a troll. I felt bad for allowing myself to get so angry, but emotions are not logical things. I was already upset because he wouldn’t have an actual conversation with me. He was content to just tell me how he wanted things to be, but he was, as his Mouthpiece tried to explain, trying to let me down easy. I think she may be right about that part, but I responded to what he said instead of what it meant.
That’s where the Asperger’s Syndrome comes in.
Among the things he said to me, he told me he didn’t feel like he was right for anyone, that I was definitely worth it but that he didn’t think he was right for me, that he just didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now… And to someone who was neurotypical (and to me, too, now that I’ve had some time to actually analyze what he said), these are all indicative of him trying to let me down easy.
To me, in the heat of the moment and looking through my Aspie filter, the first one was a sign of low self-esteem; he wasn’t feeling worthy and therefor needed to be shown that he could be loved in spite of his self-doubts. The second was more of the first, as in he needed to be shown that he was worthy of love, and specifically saying he didn’t think he was right for me… well, how can someone else judge what is right for me? That was just bad logic. The third was when I tried to figure out if he meant that this was a temporary situation. That was when I asked how long I should wait.
At which point he both told me that I shouldn’t wait for anyone and yelled at me that I wasn’t listening to him because he didn’t want our situation to go anywhere. It triggered all the things with the Boy all over again. He yelled at me, and then when I tried to make sure that I understood that what he was saying was that he wasn’t interested in dating me, as opposed to just dating anyone, instead of answering the question, he told me that I needed to give him space and maybe if I could just wait a little and call him back in a couple of weeks…
So I got very angry. I needed clarification and because he felt he had been clear, because to a neurotypical person it probably would have been obvious, he quit speaking to me. Every time I tried to ask a question, he told me to back off, give him space, he didn’t have time for this.
He even went so far as to tell me that he quit responding because he thought that I wouldn’t dwell if he didn’t say anything, and it caused the opposite to happen because I was trying to fill in the blanks.
When I gave him back the necklace, I’d made up my mind that I understood what was going on, and I just wanted confirmation that I was correct. Instead, it was more of the same, he didn’t want to talk about it, he’d asked for space and I couldn’t give it to him because it left me with a gazillion questions.
Plus it was reminiscent of the Boy.
How much space and time did he need? How long was I supposed to sit there not understanding what he meant? With the Boy, I’d try to figure it out without asking what he meant, and then when things blew up, he’d get angry at me for filling in the blanks.
One time, during our fights, he told me that no one had the right to get angry at me for trying to get clarification. If I was confused, I had the right to ask. That later blew up in his face because I was trying to get him to explain it to me, and instead he threatened to put me in the dirt.
That was over New Year’s. There was alcohol involved.
With the Pirate, he just got angry at me for trying to get clarification, which is why I was going to walk away… but there was that little bit of doubt in the back of my head.
As I said, the doubt is gone.
When I attempted to apologize today, his response was to say to me that the problem was that I wanted a conversation; he just wanted silence.
I read that as he, as I suspected, didn’t care about my feelings or needs. It doesn’t matter to him that I felt he was unclear. He wanted to be able to say his piece and the conversation was done… which isn’t a conversation.
But it also explains why he never seemed to notice when he was monopolizing the conversation.
So. I’m super excited to move on for tonight’s Twitter Chat where we’ll be discussing the Future! If you’re into science fiction, this would be a good one to attend. We’ll be discussing which is the best future society from TV and films. Books, too, I imagine. There’s a lot of book readers (and writers) amongst the Party goers who come to #JustAddTea.
I hope to see you there! The conversation kicks off at 8pm CDT.