I’ve been a little MIA recently. Sorry about that. I had to reset and really think about some things. That last comment from the Pirate’s Mouthpiece (whoever she is) really upset me, no doubt that was her reason for saying it. Some days I feel like a fraud in almost every aspect of my life, so, even though I’ve had more than one specialist confirm my Asperger’s diagnosis, I still had to sit back and hide from my life for a moment and think, am I a fraud there, too?
Her main point was that I use being on the spectrum to excuse behavior, and “that’s sickening.” She’s right; if that was what I was doing, it would be sickening. If that was what was going on, she’d be right to attack me for it.
But it’s not, and she isn’t.
Her word choice left me feeling under attack, because, well, it was an attack. It was intended to be negative and to call me out on something she had no business commenting on. Frankly she has no business getting in the middle of any of it, but this is the internet. I could just not let her comments through, and then be the hypocrite that Mr. West Coast once accused me of being.
Though, the main reason I didn’t let Mr. West Coast’s comments through was that they were not only deliberately offensive (as in “on the offense,” not as in “inappropriate”), but they contained some personal information as well. The argument could be made that I shouldn’t have let the Mouthpiece’s comments through because she specifically named the Pirate…a thing I had refrained from doing.
I don’t like putting personal information out there like that. It leads to all sorts of slander and libel claims if things go sideways… which things are starting out sideways with this whole mess.
Either way, now his name is out there.
Hers isn’t. She won’t say who she is. Just alludes to the fact that she’s a girl who presumably the Pirate talks to, since she acts as if she knows his mind on certain things. He maintains that he doesn’t know who she is. Or at least last we spoke, he was adamant that he didn’t know her and she was just someone who’d put two and two together through Instagram and was “just messing with [me].”
Whether or not that was a lie on his part, I don’t know. I am uncertain of anything where he is concerned, and that, unfortunately, puts him back into that “puzzle that needs to be solved” category that tends to make things so bad for me where guys are concerned.
Doubly bad since the Mouthpiece asserts that one of the things he doesn’t like about me is this belief that I claim to have Asperger’s just to excuse certain behaviors. Behaviors which seem to be negative in the Mouthpiece’s estimation. Interesting since I’ve obviously never met her, and the only thing she has to go off of are a handful of my blog posts and whatever she’s gleaned from stalking the Pirate’s Instagram page… that is if we assume that he is in fact telling the truth and doesn’t know who she is.
But what I really wanted to talk about was how this whole mess has made me feel, and where it fits in with my self discovery… which is WHY I talk so much about having Asperger’s Syndrome.
Like I said the other day, it’s still a new diagnosis for me, and I have been basically trying to figure it out on my own. Even though I’ve been officially diagnosed, the consensus is that I’m mostly a fully functional adult. I can, for the most part, hold down a job. I can maintain a conversation, though I don’t always get the clues as to when it’s my turn to speak versus the other person, but I try really hard. It’s harder over the phone… and with narcissists like the Pirate. I don’t cause myself self-harm… well, not anymore (when I was younger, I used to pound on my legs where it would be hidden even by shorts). And, so long as I have my anti-anxiety meds (which I’m currently out of, and let me tell you, my body can tell…), I can go through life like a “normal” person.
Or at least, I seem mostly normal on the outside.
Thus, because I can fake it, and have been doing so successfully for many years, there’s no rush. It took one specialist 6 weeks to get me to relax my mask enough for her to actually see me, and even then, I basically had to tell her that I was uncomfortable with her so it was still the mask she was seeing.
Said something similar to the Pirate, and it was equally true. I was so busy trying not to make him feel like I was pushing him into a relationship like the last girl he’d dated, that I completely quit worrying about whether or not I was actually being myself. And every time I’d just start to get comfortable enough to talk or speak, he was ushering me out the door.
Or worse, when I said something he’d interrupt. And when he quit interrupting, the very first thing he said was that all I ever talked about was Asperger’s, my family, or my exes. So, then when he’d ask me what was new in my life, there was nothing to talk about. I found myself actively trying to think of something that wasn’t one of those three things, and that left my roommate situation, but every time I talked about that, he started talking to me like I was a child, and telling me how I needed to get out of this situation. He would get angry that my roommate’s kids had eaten my food!
He would talk down to me about my situation, which meant I didn’t want to talk about that either. I quit being able to talk to him about anything about my life, and he never seemed to care or even notice…
Meanwhile, when his roommate stole money from him, or couldn’t cover his half of rent two months in a row, I was supportive and just asked him how long he was going to let that go on. He was very adamant that he couldn’t just abandon his friend in his time of need, while simultaneously telling me how his roommate/friend was CHOOSING to not work, and CHOOSING to hide in his room, because even though he had a legitimate fear of facing the world, everything was a choice.
That struck a nerve with me. He had kind of jokingly said something about maybe his roommate had Asperger’s because I had told him that for me a meltdown was more like a shutdown, and I would need to sit in my room and play Sims for a while because I was afraid of certain aspects of my life.
If the Mouthpiece is correct, then he was saying it to poke fun, but it doesn’t change the fact that there are things that I should be able to do, that are really difficult, and now I know why: Asperger’s Syndrome.
Things like the hallways in my school during the passing period between classes can put me into a panic. The kids are loud, and they don’t have any concept of personal space. It’s like a game of Frogger trying to get anywhere, and standing by my door (which my supervisor tells me I should) is slightly terrifying. The multitude of smells as the kids go by the door… Plus my brain tries to listen to every single conversation. I’ve gotten to the point where I can pick certain words or phrases, and I’m content to just observe and listen for new terms or phrases that aren’t already part of my lexicon, but sometimes, when I’m on the verge of sensory overload, I just can’t do it.
That is the whole reason why I agreed to undergo further testing with the new therapist, so we could get accommodations together so I wouldn’t get penalized for things I cannot do because of my condition.
All my life, I’ve felt connected to music. It causes emotional responses from me, but it also focuses me. When I go to a diner to write, I have to have headphones with me. Yes, I like seeing the people, and I enjoy being around the people, but I can’t focus if I don’t have something to listen to, something that blocks everything else out.
Even when driving!
The Pirate tried to get me not to turn my music on before I drove somewhere once, and I remember thinking, “why am I turning on the music?” It was just something I’d always done. After I left, I tried driving without the music, and it was hard for me. I was distracted by every sound, and things on the side of the road.
Once, I was able to go without music while the Pirate was with me, but he was talking the whole time, and I think I’d had a headache that day. I could focus on those two things instead of the music.
And when I told him that I play the music so I can focus, because I see and hear everything around me and it’s distracting. He said it sounded cool. In that moment, because I didn’t use the word Asperger’s, it was like it was a super power.
But trying to explain that sarcasm can feel like an attack, or I don’t understand when you’re hinting that you’re not interested, is me using it as an excuse…
In my relationships with guys, the only way I ever know what’s going on is how they react to me physically. I can identify lust really easy. I can’t tell any of the rest of it. I have to compare it based on past experiences, which is problematic because most guys are quick to get offended that I’m comparing them to my exes. Or, I have to gauge it based on movies, which we’ve already discussed is problematic because movies do not accurately reflect what real life is like.
My Aspie status comes up a lot because I don’t know how else to explain to people that, no, I’m not going to get what you’re saying to me. Like with the Transcendentalist, he told me that he was focused on his painting because he’d never done one before and it was harder than he had expected. That seemed logical to me. I wouldn’t have taken it for a brush off, except he didn’t try to even give me a hug, or even shake my hand.
I know from reading things like Cosmo, and from watching movies and TV, and talking to people, and then cataloging all of that info into a system in my head, that if a man doesn’t even try to make physical contact with you, it usually means that he’s not interested. And with the Transcendentalist, that’s been confirmed, as I haven’t heard so much as a “hello” from him since our date.
If we look at back at the first couple of dates with the Pirate, one of the things that confused me was that he would say he just wanted to be friends, but then he went way out of his way to talk about sex (specifically bragging about his skills), and even more than that, he made sure to make physical contact. He hugged me as soon as I walked up on our very first date. He poked my side during the movie. He gave me a hug and then tried to pop my back with his arms around me, effectively giving me a bear hug, but pressing my boobs up against him more than even a normal bear hug. At one point, because he was trying to pop my back, he basically had my boobs right in his face, and he picked me up…
And the way he kissed me… I’d have told you he was definitely not looking for just friends based on his kisses alone.
But his words never matched, and this is a problem I’ve had before. Men telling me to listen to the words, but the words don’t match the actions and I don’t know what is real. It confuses neurotypical people, but it confuses me more than the average girl, as seen by the fact that I always, ALWAYS, get bogged down in the inconsistencies, the contradictions.
I’m not sure what the solution is, or if I’ve come to a conclusion of some sort. These are just the things that have been plaguing me the last few days. I really wish I could just sit the Pirate down and ask him what was going on in his head. And not have to hear it from some meddlesome bitch that he says he doesn’t know who she is.
When he wasn’t saying anything and she was doing all the talking for him, it made me feel very angry, I was already mentally spinning out of control because he wouldn’t engage in an actual honest to goodness discussion, and even when I’d decided it was good and done, her repeated coming back and acting as if she has the authority to speak on his behalf just stirs it up again, and it does leave me feeling confused and somehow unsafe.
He said he wouldn’t discuss it with me because I’d made up my mind already, but since he already wasn’t speaking, is that just him trying to push blame on me? Does he legitimately not see how he just leaves me with questions? Or does he just not care? His Mouthpiece thought momentarily that he missed me because of some sketch he’d posted on his Instagram that she thinks looks like me. If that’s the case, why not have an actual conversation and actually figure out what is truth and what is bullshit from an outsider?
It probably won’t change anything, but if all this is just a big misunderstanding why not try? I just need the puzzle to make sense. Right now there are too many unknowns.