Feeling Under Attack

I’ve been a little MIA recently. Sorry about that. I had to reset and really think about some things. That last comment from the Pirate’s Mouthpiece (whoever she is) really upset me, no doubt that was her reason for saying it. Some days I feel like a fraud in almost every aspect of my life, so, even though I’ve had more than one specialist confirm my Asperger’s diagnosis, I still had to sit back and hide from my life for a moment and think, am I a fraud there, too? 

FRAUD

Her main point was that I use being on the spectrum to excuse behavior, and “that’s sickening.” She’s right; if that was what I was doing, it would be sickening. If that was what was going on, she’d be right to attack me for it.

But it’s not, and she isn’t.

Her word choice left me feeling under attack, because, well, it was an attack. It was intended to be negative and to call me out on something she had no business commenting on. Frankly she has no business getting in the middle of any of it, but this is the internet. I could just not let her comments through, and then be the hypocrite that Mr. West Coast once accused me of being.

Though, the main reason I didn’t let Mr. West Coast’s comments through was that they were not only deliberately offensive (as in “on the offense,” not as in “inappropriate”), but they contained some personal information as well. The argument could be made that I shouldn’t have let the Mouthpiece’s comments through because she specifically named the Pirate…a thing I had refrained from doing.

I don’t like putting personal information out there like that. It leads to all sorts of slander and libel claims if things go sideways… which things are starting out sideways with this whole mess.

sidewayssegway

Either way, now his name is out there.

Hers isn’t. She won’t say who she is. Just alludes to the fact that she’s a girl who presumably the Pirate talks to, since she acts as if she knows his mind on certain things. He maintains that he doesn’t know who she is. Or at least last we spoke, he was adamant that he didn’t know her and she was just someone who’d put two and two together through Instagram and was “just messing with [me].”

Whether or not that was a lie on his part, I don’t know. I am uncertain of anything where he is concerned, and that, unfortunately, puts him back into that “puzzle that needs to be solved” category that tends to make things so bad for me where guys are concerned.

Doubly bad since the Mouthpiece asserts that one of the things he doesn’t like about me is this belief that I claim to have Asperger’s just to excuse certain behaviors. Behaviors which seem to be negative in the Mouthpiece’s estimation. Interesting since I’ve obviously never met her, and the only thing she has to go off of are a handful of my blog posts and whatever she’s gleaned from stalking the Pirate’s Instagram page… that is if we assume that he is in fact telling the truth and doesn’t know who she is.

whoareyou

But what I really wanted to talk about was how this whole mess has made me feel, and where it fits in with my self discovery… which is WHY I talk so much about having Asperger’s Syndrome.

Like I said the other day, it’s still a new diagnosis for me, and I have been basically trying to figure it out on my own. Even though I’ve been officially diagnosed, the consensus is that I’m mostly a fully functional adult. I can, for the most part, hold down a job. I can maintain a conversation, though I don’t always get the clues as to when it’s my turn to speak versus the other person, but I try really hard. It’s harder over the phone… and with narcissists like the Pirate. I don’t cause myself self-harm… well, not anymore (when I was younger, I used to pound on my legs where it would be hidden even by shorts). And, so long as I have my anti-anxiety meds (which I’m currently out of, and let me tell you, my body can tell…), I can go through life like a “normal” person.

Or at least, I seem mostly normal on the outside.

normal

Thus, because I can fake it, and have been doing so successfully for many years, there’s no rush. It took one specialist 6 weeks to get me to relax my mask enough for her to actually see me, and even then, I basically had to tell her that I was uncomfortable with her so it was still the mask she was seeing.

Said something similar to the Pirate, and it was equally true. I was so busy trying not to make him feel like I was pushing him into a relationship like the last girl he’d dated, that I completely quit worrying about whether or not I was actually being myself. And every time I’d just start to get comfortable enough to talk or speak, he was ushering me out the door.

Or worse, when I said something he’d interrupt. And when he quit interrupting, the very first thing he said was that all I ever talked about was Asperger’s, my family, or my exes. So, then when he’d ask me what was new in my life, there was nothing to talk about. I found myself actively trying to think of something that wasn’t one of those three things, and that left my roommate situation, but every time I talked about that, he started talking to me like I was a child, and telling me how I needed to get out of this situation. He would get angry that my roommate’s kids had eaten my food!

He would talk down to me about my situation, which meant I didn’t want to talk about that either. I quit being able to talk to him about anything about my life, and he never seemed to care or even notice…

Meanwhile, when his roommate stole money from him, or couldn’t cover his half of rent two months in a row, I was supportive and just asked him how long he was going to let that go on. He was very adamant that he couldn’t just abandon his friend in his time of need, while simultaneously telling me how his roommate/friend was CHOOSING to not work, and CHOOSING to hide in his room, because even though he had a legitimate fear of facing the world, everything was a choice.

matrixchoice

That struck a nerve with me. He had kind of jokingly said something about maybe his roommate had Asperger’s because I had told him that for me a meltdown was more like a shutdown, and I would need to sit in my room and play Sims for a while because I was afraid of certain aspects of my life.

If the Mouthpiece is correct, then he was saying it to poke fun, but it doesn’t change the fact that there are things that I should be able to do, that are really difficult, and now I know why: Asperger’s Syndrome.

Things like the hallways in my school during the passing period between classes can put me into a panic. The kids are loud, and they don’t have any concept of personal space. It’s like a game of Frogger trying to get anywhere, and standing by my door (which my supervisor tells me I should) is slightly terrifying. The multitude of smells as the kids go by the door… Plus my brain tries to listen to every single conversation. I’ve gotten to the point where I can pick certain words or phrases, and I’m content to just observe and listen for new terms or phrases that aren’t already part of my lexicon, but sometimes, when I’m on the verge of sensory overload, I just can’t do it.

That is the whole reason why I agreed to undergo further testing with the new therapist, so we could get accommodations together so I wouldn’t get penalized for things I cannot do because of my condition.

tumblr_inline_nhmqyhpkqY1qdwkwe

All my life, I’ve felt connected to music. It causes emotional responses from me, but it also focuses me. When I go to a diner to write, I have to have headphones with me. Yes, I like seeing the people, and I enjoy being around the people, but I can’t focus if I don’t have something to listen to, something that blocks everything else out.

Even when driving!

The Pirate tried to get me not to turn my music on before I drove somewhere once, and I remember thinking, “why am I turning on the music?” It was just something I’d always  done. After I left, I tried driving without the music, and it was hard for me. I was distracted by every sound, and things on the side of the road.

Once, I was able to go without music while the Pirate was with me, but he was talking the whole time, and I think I’d had a headache that day. I could focus on those two things instead of the music.

And when I told him that I play the music so I can focus, because I see and hear everything around me and it’s distracting. He said it sounded cool. In that moment, because I didn’t use the word Asperger’s, it was like it was a super power.

superpower

But trying to explain that sarcasm can feel like an attack, or I don’t understand when you’re hinting that you’re not interested, is me using it as an excuse…

In my relationships with guys, the only way I ever know what’s going on is how they react to me physically. I can identify lust really easy. I can’t tell any of the rest of it. I have to compare it based on past experiences, which is problematic because most guys are quick to get offended that I’m comparing them to my exes. Or, I have to gauge it based on movies, which we’ve already discussed is problematic because movies do not accurately reflect what real life is like.

My Aspie status comes up a lot because I don’t know how else to explain to people that, no, I’m not going to get what you’re saying to me. Like with the Transcendentalist, he told me that he was focused on his painting because he’d never done one before and it was harder than he had expected. That seemed logical to me. I wouldn’t have taken it for a brush off, except he didn’t try to even give me a hug, or even shake my hand.

I know from reading things like Cosmo, and from watching movies and TV, and talking to people, and then cataloging all of that info into a system in my head, that if a man doesn’t even try to make physical contact with you, it usually means that he’s not interested. And with the Transcendentalist, that’s been confirmed, as I haven’t heard so much as a “hello” from him since our date.

If we look at back at the first couple of dates with the Pirate, one of the things that confused me was that he would say he just wanted to be friends, but then he went way out of his way to talk about sex (specifically bragging about his skills), and even more than that, he made sure to make physical contact. He hugged me as soon as I walked up on our very first date. He poked my side during the movie. He gave me a hug and then tried to pop my back with his arms around me, effectively giving me a bear hug, but pressing my boobs up against him more than even a normal bear hug. At one point, because he was trying to pop my back, he basically had my boobs right in his face, and he picked me up…

And the way he kissed me… I’d have told you he was definitely not looking for just friends based on his kisses alone.

his-lips-touched-mine-and-i-lost-my-breath-everything-slipped-away-until-there-was-only-him-natasha_600x315_57318

But his words never matched, and this is a problem I’ve had before. Men telling me to listen to the words, but the words don’t match the actions and I don’t know what is real. It confuses neurotypical people, but it confuses me more than the average girl, as seen by the fact that I always, ALWAYS, get bogged down in the inconsistencies, the contradictions.

contradictions

I’m not sure what the solution is, or if I’ve come to a conclusion of some sort. These are just the things that have been plaguing me the last few days. I really wish I could just sit the Pirate down and ask him what was going on in his head. And not have to hear it from some meddlesome bitch that he says he doesn’t know who she is.

When he wasn’t saying anything and she was doing all the talking for him, it made me feel very angry, I was already mentally spinning out of control because he wouldn’t engage in an actual honest to goodness discussion, and even when I’d decided it was good and done, her repeated coming back and acting as if she has the authority to speak on his behalf just stirs it up again, and it does leave me feeling confused and somehow unsafe.

He said he wouldn’t discuss it with me because I’d made up my mind already, but since he already wasn’t speaking, is that just him trying to push blame on me? Does he legitimately not see how he just leaves me with questions? Or does he just not care? His Mouthpiece thought momentarily that he missed me because of some sketch he’d posted on his Instagram that she thinks looks like me. If that’s the case, why not have an actual conversation and actually figure out what is truth and what is bullshit from an outsider?

It probably won’t change anything, but if all this is just a big misunderstanding why not try? I just need the puzzle to make sense. Right now there are too many unknowns.

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Feeling Under Attack

  1. Silvy says:

    Ugh. You know, a lot of these problems would be solved by someone (not you, because you’ve been asking) going to the other person and saying “hey, is this what you meant?”

    I -hate- games. I’m a very direct person. I, by nature, expect other people to be direct. So why is it in matters of life and love most people are circumspect? There’s nothing wrong with going to someone and asking for clarification.

    We fact check in life. We fact check our medicines and our mechanic’s advice and our politicians. Why don’t we do the same inter-personally?

    Expecting someone to be a mind reader or PI is just completely obnoxious in matters of communication and love. And self-absorbed as hell.

    Either way hon, you deserve way better! Ain’t nobody got time for that!

    • Thank you. It’s been a rough couple of days. There is a doubt there because it seems I can only make it to that 6 week maybe 8 week mark with any guy of substance. People keep saying I deserve better, and it’s not my fault, but statistically, I’m the common denominator and so it’s really hard not to feel just broken. I tagged myself in the Pinot’s Palette picture where the Transcendentalist is also there, if you wanted to see what he looked like. He looked cuter in his pictures… and he’s little… and not interested, which is a shame, but oh well.

      • We are always the common denominators in our own relationships. That doesn’t mean everything you’re doing is wrong or you are broken…only that you have not met your match. Don’t be discouraged.

        And, I’m personally of the opinion that “Beck” is someone just screwing with you and knows neither you or the Pirate.

      • That does seem to be the growing consensus is that she’s just someone who decided to play with people’s lives for kicks. The problem is that I was already distraught and it did push me right over the edge into an angry outburst style meltdown and now he won’t talk to me at all. He probably isn’t worth it anyway, but it would be so much easier if I just knew what he was actually thinking instead of him just expecting me to figure it out on my own. That’s the part that really hurts is that I keep getting to this point where I don’t understand a guy’s words/behavior and then when I say that and try to get clarification, they usually respond with the equivalent of “tough.” Like, they don’t feel a need to explain it to me, and it doesn’t matter to them that I don’t understand. It somehow makes me broken that I don’t understand. And sometimes they get mean about it. I think I preemptively got mean with the Pirate because I was expecting him to do what either the Boy or the Bartender did, which was really hurt me emotionally instead of answering the question. Which, he kind of did by just not saying anything. *Sigh* Boys are complicated.

  2. Beck says:

    I helped u out. Was just tryin to speed up the enevitable. Was just tryin to put this relationship out of it’s misery so u can move on. The fact that Alex didnt bother to comment on the things I said or to explain means he agreed. I only stated what was obvious. I did u a favor and u should be thanking me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • She should thank you? You attacked this woman’s identity and for what? Do yourself a favour and go read some books on Autism and Aspergers. She doesn’t need to validate who she is to you.

    • Silvy says:

      I see your statement and viewpoint. I raise you another:

      You’re so out of your depth that you have to stoop to stalking someone online to feel good. I say this, because you’ve been hanging onto this blog much longer than strictly necessary. Even this reply, which I’m sure you check back here to look for responses, will in some way satisfy some deep seated need for attention.

      You have latched onto something because you know about it by at least one or two degrees of separation and not being in the middle of it just stinks doesn’t it?

      Anyway, I won’t check back here again, because in immortal words of 15 minutes of Internet fame, ain’t nobody got time for that.

      tl;dr, get a life chickpea. No one is going to hand you one.

  3. Sunshine says:

    Have you spent any more time checking out the BaggageReclaim site? You don’t need to be an Aspie to be confused by mixed signals and flip-flapping behavior, lots and lots of us are! Natalie Lue at the BR site is SO great at breaking things down and translating what the other person is saying. When someone is sending mixed signals, I learned that instead of trying to figure out the mixed signals, the lesson is to see the mixed signals as a red flag and abort mission. My instinct was to CHARGE THE RED FLAG, like a raging bull, and it has been exceedingly difficult to go against my instincts because they are, after all, INSTINCTS and they tell us that we will certainly die if we go against them.

    I so love to read about your process! I appreciate how well you articulate your inner experience and it’s always a pleasure reading about it. 🙂

    This article was pivotal in the thing with ‘gettingadivorceguy’. As soon as I was able to hear him say, he can’t give me what I want…I looked this up and ding ding ding! Ok, I hear you…time to exit. It didn’t stop him from trying to pursue – but I understood this time it wasn’t because he loves me or anything like that, just that I’m great and of course he wouldn’t want to lose me but he had nothing real to offer.
    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-i-cant-give-you-want-you-want-mean/

    Also helpful in figuring out wtf is going on in the mind of the ‘other’:

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/translated-i-love-you-but-im-not-in-love-with-you-and-other-such-sayings/

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/more-translations-i-dont-want-to-hurt-you-youre-out-of-my-league-and-other-such-sayings/

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/overthinking-what-men-say-do-applying-meaning-where-there-is-no-meaning/

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/signs-that-a-guy-wants-you-just-for-sex/

    • Yes, I’ve checked out the Baggage Reclaim site. I wrote a post about it a few months back, as a matter of fact. She’s got some good stuff. While I know you don’t have to be an Aspie to misunderstand someone, I feel very strongly that what happened in this particular instance was part of that, and particularly brought it up because there’s been an internet troll who decided to get in the middle of things and make things worse. One of the things she did was to specifically say I shouldn’t bring up having Asperger’s because she thought I was making it up, and you know how I feel about that particular sentiment. I was trying to illustrate how it’s a small thing, something that to a lot of people would have been obvious (as the troll kept saying it should have been obvious to me), and instead because I have this problem with seeing the difference between when someone is hinting at something or trying to put it nicely versus just saying what they mean, it’s more complicated than simply the words and the actions don’t match. But thanks for reading!

  4. I have the same need/drive to have the puzzle pieces fit so I can make sense of it all and move on, it’s not really driven by emotion, it really is a NEED. I can’t give you any answers, men confuse me at the best of times, but know you’re not alone xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s