I know, it’s tragic, but I need a break this week. At the very end of the school year, I agreed to spend this week giving the state Test retakes. In the middle of my summer. So, suddenly, I have to be up about 2 or 3 hours earlier than I’ve had to be all summer long, and give a test. The money’s alright, don’t get me wrong. It’s worth it, but it also means that I’m exhausted.
There is something seriously tiring about sitting around and doing absolutely nothing all day. We’re not allowed to have our cell phones out, or even a book to read while we watch these kids take their tests. We’re supposed to walk around for four or more hours “monitoring” the test, making sure kids aren’t cheating, and things like that. Every hour you have to write the remaining time on the board. Some teachers do it every half hour, just to have something to do.
It’s dull work.
The pay is nice, but it leaves you drained. Four or more hours of absolute silence, with a thirty minute break, if you take the whole break, but you are responsible for anything that happens to the testing materials in that room, so rarely do people take the full thirty minutes.
Except coaches. They seem to take more than 30 minutes because the rules never seem to apply to them.
So, I am very exhausted!
I’ve also got advanced screening tickets to a movie for tonight. I’ll be getting to the theater about an hour before our usual tea party time. I can’t hardly think straight, so hopefully it’s not a movie that requires a lot of effort.
I guess this is why some people like movies that are thoughtless. Forcing yourself NOT to think or do anything is exhausting, so people who choose jobs beneath their ability probably spend a good deal of their time tired and thinking actually becomes something that they do not enjoy.
Even though I’m on summer, and the majority of my thinking has been about things with boys, I’m still thinking! My brain is still engaged in some sort of activity. Until this week.
And even then, I’ve been sneaking a bit of thought towards the Transcendentalist.
Since the implosion with the Pirate, I started talking to a guy on Tinder. I think perhaps I came on too strong. We had plans to go out on Saturday. We’re doing a painting. I’m excited about the painting whether he shows up or not.
But he’d been pushing to see me before hand, so I decided to up the ante a little. I did my teasing thing. He’d already been open and honest about what he was looking for: he wanted something like a hook up, but hopefully with a bit of longevity to it. Like, not a one-night stand, but maybe a one-month stand.
I’m game for that, if when we meet we are both as attracted to one another as we are in text.
I even offered to give him my number, breaking my waiting to see each other first rule. He told me he was “rolling with it,” and wanted to wait. Ok… I was a bit surprised, but ok.
I explained to him that I had planned to tease him a little… and by little, I mean a whole lot!
See, the Pirate would excite me, but whenever I tried to initiate verbal foreplay, he shot me down. Accused me of harassment at one point. I should have realized then that we weren’t a good fit, but instead I got angry because he had insinuated on more than one occasion that me doing that was a sign of emotional attachment, and no it wasn’t. I was angry at his inability to distinguish between playing and loving.
I don’t think I ever got done being angry at him about that, to be honest. I think that’s why it upset me so much when he decided to dump me via a friend… you know, because I wasn’t getting the hint. When in reality I was trying to tell him that I totally got the hint, but I was trying to get him to say it outright instead of being a puss and talking around what he was trying to say.
I think maybe I’m still a little angry about it, to be honest.
I think I’m frustrated because he will continue to think that I’m the bad guy for walking away, and people have told me that he’s posting weird relationships shit on his Instagram (I for one haven’t been back… we blocked each other, and I don’t care), and it’s frustrating!
It’s frustrating because my main issue was not having my feelings acknowledged in the least. He gets to go on with his life having never acknowledged my feelings and my thoughts and opinions at all, and I have to deal with that. I have to deal with the fact that I put so much effort into being even just a friend, and he won’t ever even acknowledge that I’m an actual person with feelings, and that my feelings are valid.
Sometimes I think all of the guys from my past could have lasted longer if they could just have acknowledged that my feelings were valid. Just telling me something as small as “I hear what you’re saying,” before I have to ask them to do such a thing would make a world of difference.
And the Transcendentalist, I think is the type of guy who would do that.
Assuming we’re still going to meet.
Something strange happened. The conversation was full steam ahead! He even told me he was going to take care of my “needs,” you know, the ones that the Pirate kept bragging about taking care of, even though he didn’t really have much right to brag. Or any right to brag, really. It was alright, but could have been so very much better.
And this guy has a libido to rival my own, it would seem.
Everything looked promising. We’ve both already bought our tickets for Saturday’s painting class.
I don’t know if I accidentally unmatched on Tinder, or if he did. Or if it was intentional. And since we agreed not to share phone info until we met face to face, now I have a whole 48 hours to agonize over whether or not he’ll even show up, or will I be painting on my own, having been completely stood up.
I wonder if it was accidental because I was in the middle of sending him a message and dropped my phone into my purse and then walked into the house and up the stairs, and when I got to my room, I hit send, but then my phone froze for a second, and when it came back, I was in the middle of a conversation with a different Tinderfella. When I closed that screen, the Transcendentalist was gone.
I don’t think it’s that easy to delete someone from Tinder, so I wonder if he decided it was too much too soon. We hadn’t even met yet, and we were already discussing possible positions… I’m breaking several of my rules because I need to release the anger that has been building because of the ridiculousness that was the Pirate.
I wanted to have the wild, no holds barred, explore each other for hours fun that the Pirate had denied me, and that was needed on my end to be able to truly relax with him, since every time I tried to be myself he shut me down.
And I guess that is probably all that I need to know about him, but I can’t help but wonder if he’d have done that if he’d known what that meant for him, as far as actual physical activities.
Maybe it wouldn’t matter. Maybe the rude bitch who thought she needed to get in the middle of it was right when she said he was “sensitive.” Maybe he is the one who can’t separate the physical from the emotional, and he was afraid that I’d hurt him… which makes sense. I had been afraid of the same thing: that I would hurt him. It’s best that he’s gone.
I just wish I’d been able to really let go so that I wouldn’t feel compelled to have angry sex with someone (anyone, practically) to end a fight that should never have happened.
And maybe even this is still a hold over from the Boy. He’d never let himself have angry sex with me.
There is something really exciting about the roughness of angry sex. Maybe I am part Klingon after all…
Either way, it’s left my brain going in too many different directions, and I’m too tired to focus properly on any one thing. And thus, there will be no #JustAddTea party tonight.
Our discussion of the Future will have to happen in the Future. Join us next week for that chat: