I wish I could say this was some deep, philosophical rant about the recent events that have been all over the news and my Facebook feed, but it’s not. I’ll probably keep those for another day, but I may touch on them a little bit, because I do think I have an interesting point to make coming from an Aspie perspective, and, as I’m finding out the more I look into things, since my “thing” is literature and stories in general (like the format, and archetypes, not just ANY story…wait… oh, it’s complicated), I have a unique ability to express myself better than some other Aspies I’ve encountered or read about.
It seems that I have a unique ability to look at things from someone else’s point of view, which is inherently not-Aspie-like, but I can do it because basically everyone I meet is a character, and my literary analysis skills help me to identify motives and hard things like sub-text…or at least how it would work in the movies.
It’s how I interact with the world. Everything and everyone is a character or prop in a play or movie that I’m starring in.
Like in the Movie Hero
If you haven’t seen that movie, you really should. It’s pretty awesome… in a totally B-movie kind of way. And it totally explains how I experience the world.
It really works, if you think about it. Look at how I interact in relationships. I treat most relationships like they are romantic comedies.
With the Boy, I expected that the more he pushed me away, the more it meant that he would eventually come around and realize how perfect we were for each other. I even wrote a blog post about it, but it’s been so long, I’m not sure if I can even remember what it was called… The gist of it was this: romantic comedies affect how we interact in relationships. I’ve heard comediennes say things about it, or strong feminist characters in TV shows, or it was explained really well in one particular Youtube show that I like:
To a lesser extent, I did the same thing with the Pirate. I saw the really awkward guy who talked too much and who’d been hurt by an ex, similar to how I’d been hurt, but with less social skills than I have. He became the geeky love interest who is clueless to how he actually feels, and is even more clueless to how the girl (in this case me) feels, and has to be shown, slowly that he is deserving of love and that he is actually accepted as he is.
I just somehow forgot that I, too need to be accepted as I am.
And that’s where it all begins to fall apart.
See, my brain doesn’t work like “normal” people’s brains. I’m okay with this, but the last couple of years have shown me that sometimes the miscommunications I have with the guys in my life occur because of how my brain works. Sometimes I don’t know how to express my feelings, and sometimes I need to get clarification when someone is hinting instead of being direct.
The second one is where things went sideways with the Pirate.
I would hear the words he was saying, but wouldn’t understand what they actually meant because he wasn’t being direct, though he swore that in his past relationships, it was his brutal honesty that was the problem. I never saw that brutal honesty. Not once. Not even when he was telling me that he wasn’t going to speak to me ever again. Even then he couldn’t tell me what he felt or didn’t feel.
I think the problem came again from his egocentricity. Early on, when I pointed out that he always commandeers the conversation, he made a statement about how when I talk it always comes back to either my Asperger’s, or my family, or my exes. Well, those are three pretty big facets of my life. Those three things are pretty much what defines me as a person! Every decision I’ve made in my life has been a direct result of one of those three things:
- Dropped out of college the first time because of an abusive ex.
- Transferred to a different school because of a guy.
- Avoided teaching for a while because my (adoptive) mom stole my dream.
- Moved to this side of town because of my need to be close to work because of my dislike for the commute, which is directly related to the Asperger’s Syndrome.
- The very way I organize my thoughts in a cyclical, tangential format is because of my Asperger’s, and because my mother always answered the question of “why?”
And yet, he didn’t want to hear about those three things. Instead he would talk about pirating, his past relationships, his roommate, or his family. Because it was all about him…
Later he told me that he wished I’d opened up more so he could hear whatever I wanted to talk about. But when I did that, he complained about my topics. Note, I almost never complained to him about the ridiculous amount of time he spent discussing pirating! Not to his face anyway, though perhaps he did read my blog because he finally one day told me that pirating wasn’t that important to him, it was just a thing he’d done for a while…
Then why the hell was it a major topic of discussion so often in the beginning? It was practically the only thing he talked about for a month!
Then, recently, he started opening up about his ex.
Here’s where it gets confusing.
I thought he was telling me about her because he was trying to make the point that we were still going too fast. I thought he was telling me that he felt like I was pushing him into a relationship, and that he wanted to slow down, because, though he liked me, he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.
My mistake seems to be the part where he likes me.
If the weird chick who commented oh so rudely, butting in where she wasn’t really needed as I’d already made up my mind to walk away, if she’s to be believed, his reason for telling me those stories was to make a comparison letting me know that he wasn’t at all interested in dating me. At all.
A friend of mine pointed out some of the ways she was rude that I hadn’t even really picked up on. Beside getting in the middle of something that was none of her business, especially if she wasn’t really interested in him, which she claims to not be into him like that, she also commented on me being “not bad looking,” which is a not so polite way of saying I’m not pretty enough to be his type.
And there’s the line about me asking questions. The thing is, I was asking questions for clarification because he wasn’t being clear. Even he has said to me that part of our problem has been that I was clear from the beginning what my intentions were and he has not been. And I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which means I don’t get hints, or subtlety, or him trying to let me down in a “nice way.” Which if he’d not complained about the fact that I kept talking about my Asperger’s, he would have found out.
I even specifically told him that a time or three. Most notably when I thought he had gotten rid of his dating apps because we had made the connection he says he didn’t feel. I told him then that if anything ever changed, to not feed me a fantasy in order to try to not hurt my feelings. That is verbatim what I said.
But according to home-chick, he felt compelled to change his answers to get me to stop asking questions because he wasn’t interested in me as a girlfriend, just a friend.
If we’re really honest, he wasn’t even that interested in me as a friend. To be a friend, he’d have to actually realize that I’m a person with feelings and opinions of my own, and that would require him to realize he’s not the center of the freaking universe.
I think it’s safe to say I’ve taken my blinders off where he’s concerned.
The real question is this: why did I keep holding out hope when he had proven himself completely incapable of giving me the two things that (to me) are most important in a relationship? He couldn’t acknowledge that my feelings/opinions were important, and the sex was not good.
Not bad either. He did, to his benefit, get me there regularly.
But, if we’re honest, a strong wind can get me there on the right day. It doesn’t take much. I’ve only ever had to fake it once, and it was with the second guy I was ever with, because we were in water and the sound of the splashing was syncopated to our rhythm, and (as an Aspie) it was enough to drive me insane! But he said he wouldn’t stop until he knew I’d gotten there, so… First and only faked orgasm.
So, the pirate being able to get me to climax isn’t the best way to determine whether or not it was good. It was definitely missing that connection required to be truly satisfying, and he refused to relinquish any control so we could achieve that level of connection.
And according to home-chick, it’s because he wasn’t interested in me.
The problem for me, was that the whole argument that led to us blocking and deleting each other from one another’s lives was just another instance of his egocentricity.
Instead of realizing that all those questions were me trying to get clarification since he was unclear, he took them to be me trying to force him to give me some particular response. The more agitated he became the more difficult it was for me to get the clarification I needed, and he kept interrupting and shutting me down, forcing me to function on his time table, even though I’d tried to explain to him that if I was unclear of what was being said, I’d be stuck dwelling on it.
He heard the dwelling on it part, because he brought it up a couple of times, telling me that one of the reasons his dumb ass wouldn’t respond was so that I wouldn’t dwell on it…
My brain DOESN’T work that way!!!! And if he’d actually listened to what I was trying to explain to him about my Asperger’s Syndrome instead of shutting me down and treating me like some invalid or just an idiot, he’d have known and understood that.
It was because he couldn’t actually have a conversation with me, one in which there was an equal give and take, talking to each other instead of at each other, that I walked away. It was then because I was afraid that I’d overreacted that I was willing to listen, but he again shut me down and just told me that he’d made his decision, and that he wouldn’t respond to me further.
Somehow, he had made me the bad guy in all this, when the issue had been all along that he couldn’t treat me with the basic respect of having a conversation with me, or allowing me to be in my comfort zone instead of him always being in his comfort zone. It was never going to be equal, and when he started flip flopping like the Boy used to, I knew that this could never work.
Whether he ever wanted it to work or not, I’m still not really sure. But it doesn’t matter now. Now we’re not even friends.
Let’s be clear, we were NEVER friends. Friends are equal participants. Though I spent a lot of time with him, it was almost always on his terms, and he never asked what would be good for me, or what I wanted… Except during sex, at which point it was awkward. How could my feelings not be at all important, and yet he wanted to please me? Another contradiction.
So many contradictions that I couldn’t deal with it anymore. So, I’m glad he’s gone.
Back to the Tinder cue we go. And I think I’ve found one that I like! Older, and already more interested in who I am than the Pirate ever was, and we haven’t even exchanged numbers yet. Three days of talking via Tinder, and he already knows more about my life than the Pirate.
Plus he’s up front about what he wants: FWB with the potential for more,which, remember, is what I thought I was doing with the Pirate, so it’s an acceptable starting point.
And we have a painting date set for Saturday to paint a Van Gogh:
As a side note, the main reason I kept asking which days the Pirate had off was because I had wanted to surprise him with a painting date, since it’s a thing that we both would have enjoyed. His days off never worked for such a thing, and the once or twice that it could have, he told me up front he didn’t want to see me. I was trying to surprise him, otherwise I would have told him why I asked. Instead, he told me that my asking about his days off made him feel obligated to see me.
On the plus side, since I’d been looking at paintings to possibly do with the Pirate, I knew exactly which ones I wanted to choose from to do with the new guy. He’s never painted before, so this should be an interesting experience. It should be the way I’d hoped the painting date with the Boy would have been so long ago (it was his first painting as well, and instead of going well, he made me feel like I’d forced him to go…the similarities to the Pirate abound!).
I have a feeling this one is definitely ending in physical activity.
I kind of want to name the new guy the Transcendentalist because he told me that the high sex drive he could sense from me was a sign of a more evolved spirit. I’d told him (honestly) most of the guys I’ve dated have accused me of using them for sex at one point or another, at which point he’d admitted that he had had a similar problem with his past relationships.
He told me that I should never suppress my sensuality because it is almost like a spiritual gift, that less enlightened people consider some sort of negative mutation.
Apparently my sex drive makes me one of the X-Men. I’m okay with this.
And when I warned him that my Asperger’s meant I would probably, most definitely not get hints, but that might not mean that I didn’t want what he was offering, he thanked me for sharing that with him, and telling me that it was going to be such a relief to be able to just be direct.
He just (as in as I am typing this) told me that he was sure I already knew this, but in case I didn’t, anyone who wasn’t interested in what made me who I am doesn’t deserve what I’m capable of… I couldn’t have explained it better myself.
In regards to the Pirate, I got caught up on the fact that I thought he was beyond seeing the superficial things that were wrong with me physically (like my weight), and thus would appreciate me more. In reality, he is just as superficial, because he would say that he liked me as a person without taking the effort to find out who that was. As such, I was never comfortable enough to really let my freak flag fly, as they say. Hence, not doing oral, or really making that emotional connection during sex.
Thanks to a three day conversation with the Transcendentalist, I can now forgive the Pirate.
Mostly because I kind of feel sorry for him: He’ll never make that connection he’s seeking because he can’t see anything except himself. Hopefully that meddlesome bitch is right and he’s more involved with people he’s actually interested in. But I’m glad it wasn’t me, because I was in a place of weakness that could have ended in me embracing something that would have eventually made me miserable.
I need someone who sees me as an equal, not just as a sounding board.
Maybe this Transcendentalist is that kind of guy. Or at least, maybe he can help to heal me so I can find that type of guy. I already feel more whole, and we haven’t even met yet. That is powerful!