I’m pretty sure this will be the last post where the Pirate is in the starring role. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and the similarities to the situation with the Boy make me so unbelievably nervous that I’m not sure there is anything that he can do to earn a second chance.
A part of me really wants him to figure something out that would earn him a second shot, though.
I try really hard to be objective when we reach this point. I’ve been thinking about the different stages of relationships, and love languages, and all the other things we’ve discussed on here in the past in the attempt to decide if I made the right decision, or if I was so wrapped up in the similarities with the Boy that I jumped to a negative too quickly.
Did I screw this up? Does the Pirate deserve a second chance? Or should I trust my initial reaction and just walk away and never look back?
I’m aware that on this blog, it’s all from one point of view, mine, and when I am angry, I can’t guarantee that all the information is included. It’s a snapshot of a situation, that may or may not include pertinent information from the other side.
Like, it’s not my place to include all the stressors that are currently plaguing the Pirate, and they are plentiful. I’ve included some of them in other posts, but suffice it to say he’s under a great deal of financial stress because of a sick/deadbeat roommate… depends on the day how the Pirate sees that roommate, so I couldn’t tell you how to define him with any certainty, and that brings us into a realm of hearsay I’m not really comfortable with anyhow.
I’m trying to be objective right now.
But it’s really hard!
To catch you up on what’s happened since the last post about the Pirate, I went by his place on the Fourth and gave him back the necklace he’d made me…though I’m no longer sure he made it for me. I actually think perhaps he’d already had it made and just figured it was a good gift for me. There’s a picture on his Instagram that shows the necklace laying amongst his jewelry making tools, as he’s “setting up” so he can make jewelry as part of his relaxation time.
He’s very creative, though he bounces around a bit, and I think if he’d pick a medium and stick to it, he could actually make something of himself. As it stands, however, he is currently a Jack of… well, not ALL trades, but MANY trades… and Master of none.
His creative spirit, though, is one of the things I really like about him.
I think maybe he has that brooding artist thing that is such a sexy trope in movies… Like, maybe his constant bragging about certain things is because he’s actually fishing for compliments, but because bragging is a thing I find to be very ugly, I refuse to give him the props he is searching for.
Back to the point.
I showed up uninvited, and I couldn’t call him to warn him because I’d already deleted his number out of my phone. That’s what I’m talking about my initial reaction. It was very visceral and I was just DONE.
I was angry because everything I’d said about his attitude and the long tirade where I just really let him have it, and I was so fueled by my emotions that I can’t even recall all the things I said… He listened to all of it, and told me I was exactly right. He began calling himself an asshole, and tried to explain to me that’s why he didn’t feel like he was right for anyone… Then he refused to listen to what I had to say. Cue visceral, red-eyed, Hulk-level anger.
The thing is, I don’t actually know if he was legitimately feeling that, or if it was manipulation.
He’d expressed to me that this was the most down he’s ever felt in his life, and part of my reasoning for wanting him to sleep over was to cheer him up. Spend some time together, really get to explore each other’s bodies and ignore some of the stressors that have been bothering him of late, plus a good night’s sleep, and good company.
One thing I’ve noticed is that usually when you’re that down, you really need to NOT be by yourself. Or at least not for long spans of time. My fear was that he and his roommate would just become hermits never leaving the apartment except when absolutely necessary. Yet, part of his stress was that, as an introvert… sort of… he wasn’t getting any recharge time.
He legitimately needed space.
What bothered me was that he couldn’t just tell me that. Twice now he’s made it into some sort of fight by beating around the bush about what was really going on, hitting me out of the blue when I think things are going well, because he’s accustomed to people not understanding.
Or it’s all some sort of intricate plot to just get rid of me.
Also a valid possibility.
One of the most hurtful things he said was that our sex was just a “moment…” He said that afterwards, he didn’t really feel anything.
First of all, ouch!
But not too big of an ouch because I can relate to that. We haven’t been making the connection I’m accustomed to in those intimate moments… usually because we’re in a rush, or I feel like he’s in a race or something, and he’s busy counting my orgasms to determine whether or not he’s done a good job. And afterward, he immediately starts bragging about how many times I seemed to have gotten there…
Which immediately makes me feel like a damned science experiment.
And once, he was trying to give me pleasure, but was trying to establish how much self control he had (later telling me that it gave him the power edge because he could do without it), so he wouldn’t allow himself to get off. Then he teased me about it several times, how he was able to please me, but I couldn’t make him lose control.
How were we supposed to make some sort of connection when he was making fun of something so intimate?
When I confronted him about it because it really bothered me, he said that people who are close should be able to make fun of each other like that.
Not about that. No.
The problem is, when he does stuff like that, I am not comfortable, and it continues the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde routine that I see in him.
Only instead of killing and violence, he resorts to bad jokes, and making me unbelievably uncomfortable.
I still don’t know which is the true version of him, or if it’s a little bit of both. If both, is that a deal breaker? I haven’t decided yet…
Are the good times good enough to make it worth the risk? And that’s where I’m at now because I do really like him. A lot.
But don’t mistake my meaning; I’m not in love with him, not in the romantic sense anyway. I do love him, but in the same way I love my friends and my students: he is someone who has become an important part of my life, and I had chosen him to be a part of it, and therefor I love him and hope for the best for him.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t walk away.
I want him to prove to me that he sees me as being worth the effort so I don’t have to walk away, but I absolutely can walk away if I need to. I am worth the effort, and deserve to be treated accordingly.
While I was giving him back the necklace, I told him that he’d made me feel fat, ugly, and undesirable. He countered by telling me that wasn’t his intent, and then talking down about himself for a few minutes because it’s all about him… always.
And then I told him that I was just tired of men telling me I’m not worth the effort, because that is how I took what he said. For me, the issue was that I felt like I was putting in more than he was (just like with the Boy), and I did these things because I thought of him as being worth the effort. I couldn’t truly be comfortable with him, or trust him, until he made me feel like he saw me as worth the effort in return. Even just as friends (which I’m really not comfortable with and not really interested in doing).
The sleepover was part of that. Him telling me that he couldn’t do the sleepover because he needed to be in his comfort zone and it would have just put him in a bad mood to have to ride with me all the way (the 23 minute drive) to my side of town, told me that he was too self-centered to even realize the sacrifices I have continued to make for him.
That was part of our phone conversation on the third. While I was standing there in front of him, very vulnerable and bawling my eyes out because, dammit, I AM worth it! He told me that I really was, and he hugged me and rubbed my shoulders trying to be comforting.
Then he said one of those really horrible brush off lines about how one day someone worthy of me would see it, too.
So, he’s not interested in me. That can’t be any clearer. Unless he legitimately doesn’t think he’s worthy… which, frankly the way he’s acted lately, he isn’t.
I’d really like him to prove me wrong, though.
I have no idea how he would manage such a thing. I’m not even sure it’s possible after the horrible things he’s (possibly unintentionally) said/done.
As it stands, I’ve blocked his phone calls, blocked him on Twitter and Facebook, and I had him blocked on Instagram, but then I sent him the things I’d wanted to say since he kept interrupting me and not allowing me to finish my thought, so I’m not blocking him on there until I get a response. Or at least see that he’s seen it.
There was just such potential, and you know how much I hate it when a guy ends things before we’ve had a chance to really get a feel for one another…
We’ll see if he can manage a miracle to make me give him a second chance, but his odds are very, VERY slim.