Happy Fourth of July!
Today is also my mother’s birthday, so today should be full of celebration!
I only wish I could be there with her to celebrate, but alas, maybe next year.
I do, however want to celebrate a night without a dog mess. I do believe the dog, whose name is actually Tiny Tim, is actually house broken finally. When I woke up this morning to take him out, he was awake, but hadn’t even peed in the bathroom where I’ve been letting him sleep. This is huge progress, seeing as yesterday he pooped in there enough for two dogs twice his size!
Meanwhile, while we’re talking about shit, things with the Pirate imploded finally.
Turns out that not only have I completely misread every single sign that suggested he was interested in me, but he’s going through something of an Asexual phase at the moment.
He informed me that he doesn’t want this “to go anywhere” because he just doesn’t “feel right for anybody” at the moment, and probably ever. He told me that I was so amazing because I had a libido through the roof that would make any man happy (except him), and that I was amazing… And if he just wasn’t going through this phase, I’d have as much chance as the woman who forced him into a relationship back in February.
When will men realize that telling a girl how amazing she is and how amazing she would be for someone else, because it’s them not her, is really not helpful? It’s a bit insulting, actually. It’s such an obvious brush off, and what does it even mean?
To make things even worse, he even gave me the “it’s not you, it’s me,” speech.
And all because I asked him to come over so that I got what I needed instead of just it being his way all the time. It’s not fair to make me go to his place all the time. I’ve been doing it because he’s going through a rough patch right now, but shouldn’t I be able to be in my comfort zone sometimes?
I keep trying to invite him to things so I can be comfortable with him, too, but then it’s all about him, all the time. Then, he’ll finally ask me about what’s going on in my life, and I have nothing to tell him because after all his venting, I feel like I’m not allowed to lay any of my stress on him. Plus, there’s not really much going on in my life at the moment…
I could have dealt with him telling me not this time, and maybe taking the initiative to schedule something sometime later, but it was just NO, just like all the other guys who’ve let me know I’m not worth the effort.
Only his story as to why he told me no changed several times during the conversation.
First it was because he needed to find the title to his truck, which is a thing that he could have done after I dropped him back off at his house after our walk. I wasn’t asking to keep him all day long, just a sleepover because I wanted to cuddle, and because he had said something once about how nice it would be to sleep in an actual bed. So… not really a valid excuse.
Then it was because he just wanted to be alone.
This is totally a valid excuse, but why not start with that one? Because he said that usually when he tells people that, they usually ask follow up questions. Now here’s the thing, I have Asperger’s and regularly need my space and my own time. If he’d just said that from the beginning, we wouldn’t have had an issue. But twice now, when he’s needed alone time because he just needed some time to himself, instead of saying that, he’s given me some line. First time was when he told me I was being smothering, when in reality he just needed a day to himself because he was dealing with some stuff, and he didn’t take into account why I was trying to spend time with him.
He explained to me how he wanted to spend less time with me because he sometimes just needed space, and I always asked when his days off were, so he’d tell me, but it made him feel obligated to spend time with me.
Yeah… what a way to make me feel like shit.
I would ask him to hang out because I wanted to spend time with him, and because he seemed to enjoy his time with me. There is almost always a moment where he seems to be really enjoying himself, when he looks at me in a way that makes me feel really beautiful and he seems to be smiling. But that was a falsehood, it seems.
He told me that he only was hanging out with me because it made me happy and he often puts his needs second to make his friends happy… so he doesn’t enjoy his time with me?
What about how he keeps inviting me to go walking with him?
Turns out that he keeps inviting me not because he actually enjoys his time with me, but because he has decided to try to make me healthier. Because he wants to extend the life of the people he “cares” about. When he cooks for me, he makes sure it’s healthy food, and he’s trying to get me to walk more so that I can lose weight and make my heart better…
Because he cares about me…
Which directly contradicts how before we’d ever gotten intimate he made a big deal about how skinny girls leave bruises, which left me to think that he was okay with my body type. Or how he asked to sketch me naked, which made me think that not only was he okay with my body, but that maybe he actually found it somewhat attractive.
And when I asked him if I was actually that ugly, he got grumpy with me about how that wasn’t the problem at all; that when he said it was really a problem with him and not with me, he meant it.
Then when I asked if there was ever a chance that he’d want a relationship, he said maybe, but not for a while. He may, potentially, maybe, might have an opportunity to work elsewhere, as in he might be moving if the opportunities actually come through, and he doesn’t want to start a relationship and then move because long distance relationships never work.
When I told him that I wasn’t like normal people so he couldn’t be certain of that, he jumped down my throat about how I wasn’t listening and that he didn’t want our relationship to go anywhere…
And then when I told him I couldn’t continue like this given those conditions, he suddenly changed his mind and let me know that maybe things might change.
When I asked him how long was I supposed to wait for him, he very condescendingly told me that I shouldn’t wait for him because no person should wait for another person.
And then promptly told me that maybe if I just called him in a couple weeks to… I don’t know, check in to see if his feelings had changed or something…
So don’t wait, but maybe wait 2 weeks?
Also among the list of problems he was working through was that when we were intimate, it was just a “moment.” He didn’t really feel anything. I can identify with that. I don’t really feel anything after the sex either, but I always assumed that was because we had yet to actually get to explore each other and actually figure out what one another liked.
Remember how I wouldn’t do a particular sex act that he’d asked me about why not? Well, part of it was because I wasn’t comfortable with him enough to do that yet. Because I was aware that there was a connection not being made in that particular area… I just thought it was a no connection yet, instead of no connection at all.
But see, I chose him, I decided he was worth the risk, worth putting forth the effort, and just like all the rest, he’s telling me that I’m not. Still not good enough. Not pretty enough, or not calm enough, or not whatever enough.
This is so not worth my time.
After I get past the self loathing I feel at the moment, I’m probably going to hate him because he’s just like all the rest of them, only he gave me a fantasy because he didn’t know what he wanted.
See, in our conversation, he did briefly admit that he wasn’t sure what he wanted. That I could have worked with, if he’d just been man enough to admit that up front, but to toss it in towards the end, and then ask me to “check back” with him in a couple weeks… That’s just insulting. And hurtful. It’s like a last ditch effort to try not to make me feel bad about being dumped before we were officially in a relationship.
But hey, consolation prize, I was the only person he’s dated since we’ve started dating. Is that supposed to make me feel better when he’s telling me that I’m fat, which is why he invites me to go out running? Or when he’s telling me that he doesn’t feel anything after we’ve had sex, should I feel grateful that he finds me intellectually interesting enough not to date other people?
Or maybe he was trying to make me feel guilty because I’d gone out a few times since we’d gotten together… Which I only did because he kept pushing me away. Of course, now I know why.
It’s like the Boy and the Artist all rolled into one. Conflicting messages and maybes, while simultaneously telling me that my brain is sexy, but I’m not. And even though he keeps telling me that’s not what he meant, it’s what I feel.
I’m just tired of never being worth the effort.
But hey, the dog is always happy to see me! And dogs never lie to you about how they feel. Dogs are definitely the better choice.