Yesterday was a most insightful day for me. I saw both of the latest Tinderfellas: the Pirate and the Teacher. I began my day with one, and ended my day with the other… although not in quite the capacity I had hoped.
I went on my morning walk with the Pirate, which ended on a most positive note, finally giving me the sign I need to stop doubting his intentions.
Or to stop doubting whether or not he likes me, at least.
See, he’s been… less than consistent, I think. Sometimes it seems like he’s really into me, and then others, it feels like I’m forcing him to be romantic with me. I had similar issues with the Boy, so of course, this is something of a red flag for me. It caused me to feel a great deal of anxiety over whether or not I was indeed, as my mother is sure, wasting my time on this guy who is oh so hot, and makes me laugh, and looks at me in a way that makes me melt.
We won’t even talk about the fireworks that go off when he touches me!
Yet there has been a pretty constant doubt.
First it was because he said friends, but then would hint at more than friends stuff… yet he seemed awkward, unsure how to initiate such things. There’s a sweetness, an innocence that intrigues me. Particularly because some of the things he does when he does touch me suggest he is anything but innocent.
Then there was the concern about his egoism. He seemed only to be interested in talking about himself and going on without any concept that he was talking at me instead of to me. This was concerning for a couple reasons, though I thought the primary reason was because it suggested that I could be a stand in. Obviously, this has happened to me a time or nine.
The Boy kept me as a stand-in twice; first for his ex and then for his baby mama, the woman who he started dating while I thought he and I were working on fixing us. Then the Bartender needed an emotional stand-in for his wife. I was to give him the intimacy that he couldn’t have while his wife was elsewhere, though that’s not what he promised. Of course, there have been others. Every guy who has ever cheated on his significant other with me, or every one night stand, they all just needed me to be a stand-in. A nameless, faceless girl who could give them what they wanted and then they could move on to the next nameless, faceless girl.
Of course, with the Boy this was most notable. Look at the issues we had with gifts: Not once did he give me a gift that showed he knew anything about me. The first gift I remember was his favorite book that he bought for me at the airport because he forgot to get a gift that would mean something while he was on a trip seeing someone with whom he, as he told me, had an intense sexual tension. The second was that ridiculous flask with my name on it. It looks very nice, and when he suggested it, I thought it was an interesting choice because it was unique, but it is wholly impractical to get for me. He drinks pretty heavily, so for him, it would be awesome.
Which is exactly the point: he got me a gift that would have been perfect for him.
A year later, I bought him a Batman watch. If I could’ve found one, I’d have gotten him a Hulk watch because he thinks of himself like the Hulk, which is why he doesn’t like getting angry… See? I know him.
I may still be a little angry about that whole thing.
More recently, if we look at the Bartender, he never got me a gift at all, though I gave him things plenty.
But the Pirate, after only knowing me for about 2 weeks by the time my birthday came around, not only gave me a gift, but he made it for me. By hand. And made it my favorite color.
I think that’s when I first realized that he had serious potential.
I may have to revise my love languages, because it seems gifts do mean quite a bit more to me than I have previously said.
It’s not about the gift itself, but about the thought, and what it means. On a year when almost no one remembered my birthday, a man whom I barely know not only gave me a gift, but one that had more thought put into it than any gift I’ve gotten from a man…ever.
Even that special Valentine’s so many years ago, he basically just gave me all the things I asked for without putting much thought into it, but in the naivety of my youth, it was meaningful…
So, given that the Pirate gave me a gift with thought before we’d even gotten serious, why have I ever doubted him?
Because he kept telling me to slow down. Because he would make jokes about things I said when I was trying to be flirty. Because he specifically stopped me a time or three from trying to be intimate with him. Because he accused me of trying to use intimacy to force him into a relationship…
Because he seemed more interested in hearing himself speak than learning about me…
It all directly contradicts a man who would make me a necklace, using what looks to be somewhat complicated braiding/weaving techniques in the rope/twine whatever you call it, with materials in my favorite color.
I was unsure, to say the least.
Then yesterday, after our walk, while we were at Sonic getting our breakfast, he kissed me on my shoulder before kissing me in that way he does that is so very sensual. The way that makes me melt. And he didn’t seem to want to leave.
Things went so well that he upped our next walk to tomorrow instead of on Friday. But the kiss on the shoulder was really what did it. It was a sweet gesture, and probably the most intimate gesture I’ve experienced in a really long time. It may be even better than the kiss on the forehead.
It was enough to remove my doubts. Let’s just say that.
So then when I went out with the Teacher last night, I wore my necklace from the Pirate. It was my little way of saying I’m taken, though the Teacher didn’t know what it meant. I was trying to introduce him to a friend of mine anyway, though I’m not sure he got the hint.
Either way, it was very obvious to me that, even if I wasn’t completely twitterpated for the Pirate, the Teacher is not a good match for me. Even though we’re both teachers, he is too chill, too hipster for me. I even told him as much… well, I tried to. Still not sure he got the hint.
I’ll have to figure out how to not feel bad about ghosting, I think.
However it goes, if I’m right about things with the Pirate, then I may have to change my Tuesday posts, as I won’t be on Tinder any more. I’ve already deleted the App. Again.
Here’s hoping that I’m not completely misreading things with the Pirate. Because I’ve chosen him. And well, I don’t know if I can handle another situation where I’ve chosen someone and they don’t choose me back.