This one will be short. I’ve covered most of what’s going on in the last few posts. This is mostly just a quick little update and a plea for advice.
So, I am in fact hanging out with the Pirate this evening. We’re meeting after 5, he’s finally cooking the Puerto Rican food (well, he’s cooking at least, and he’d said before that he’d actually cook something traditional so I can try it, but we’ll see), and then, as far as I know, there is no plan.
This may be good. It means that perhaps I can take control a little bit.
Or it could be the worst thing ever because I’ll freeze up and not be able to talk, which happens when I’m around him a lot.
The thing is that I have become so accustomed to looking for the cues that someone is paying attention to me, and that I’m not boring them or talking over their head, that I can’t just talk anymore. And he only gives me cues that he’s paying attention when he’s letting me know that I’m telling him something he already knows…which immediately makes me either angry (because I let him praddle on for hours about whatever just because he NEEDS to speak) or it makes me doubt myself and derails my train of thought.
But, as I was talking to my mother last night, I had something of an epiphany. When I was writing my post yesterday about how frustrated I was with our walk, I forgot why we got onto the topic that he went on and on about for so long, and it turns out, it’s kind of significant.
The last time we’d seen each other, I’d asked him what he thought about the Ancient Alien Theory.
His response led me to believe that he didn’t really know that much about it, and as I hadn’t watched the show lately, I didn’t have all the facts I needed, and it was kind of in the middle of another conversation anyway, and so it was just a short conversation.
Unlike what he would do, I did not go through and give him every tiny detail of every episode of the show.
But on our walk yesterday, it came up. He brought it up. Telling me that he thought it was a possibility, and suggesting that there was an alternate possibility as well, which spun into our conversation about Dante’s Inferno, because I asked him to site his source, and I thought he was referencing that… I was mistaken, but then he went through and described every level of hell from the book… in graphic detail.
I’ve read it before, or at least parts of it, during college. At that point in my life, Theatre was what I was fixated on, so Dante’s Inferno wouldn’t have interested me. I probably read the Cliff’s Notes version, to be honest. But he knew it, in graphic detail, and shared it with me.
Until he realized, when he saw my car, that he had done almost all the talking. Again.
The implication of this is that he looked up what I had asked him about to be better prepared for an actual conversation on a topic of my choosing. I questioned him on his source, and when I brought up something that I thought he was referencing, but was not wholly familiar with, he chose to educate me on it. He was sharing information with me about a topic he thought would interest me. He was TRYING to show that he was willing to discuss things of importance to me.
It went south when he suddenly asked me to speak about it, because I was still processing the hour’s worth of a lecture he’d given me. It literally wasn’t until over 12 hours later that I even remembered why we were discussing it in the first place, when I was defending him and his actions to my mother…
She is of the opinion that he is a waste of my time because I need a man, not a child. In her estimation he is just a child because he “plays dress up.”
Grown adults play “dress up” all the time. It’s called Cosplay, and it’s a lucrative industry.
I got a little angry at her for assuming that “dress up” meant he wasn’t a grown up because, when I’m sure I’ll have somewhere to wear it, I’ll spend a pretty penny and get awfully creative on my Halloween costumes.
As a matter of fact, I have 2 ideas in mind for this Halloween, that are going to cost me a bit, and I think that the Pirate (if I don’t kill him first) will be able to do his Pirate thing and I do mine and it can work… Although these are ideas I’ve been talking about for a couple of years now, so not specifically because of the Pirate. Just a nice coincidence that they could work if he sticks around.
The first idea was a gender swapped Captain Hook. I’ve got the hair for… Once it grows out again (the stylist cut it very short, although it seems to be very popular). Obviously the Pirate would approve of this plan, I think.
Although, he might get really frustrated with the historical inaccuracies. He’s a bit of a stickler for authenticity. So much so that he hand sews his outfits. Or rather, he makes hand sewn repairs and/or alterations. His jewelry making is part of the same attempt at authenticity. It’s a serious thing to him, and that level of dedication and passion is unbelievably sexy… so long as it doesn’t preclude his ability to take care of grown up responsibilities, which it doesn’t seem to. He is happy when he gets to do his Pirate thing, and it’s a hobby, like painting (which he also does), or writing (which he also does), or horseback riding (which my mother would like to do).
The other was a steampunk Pocahontas. Why would the Pirate approve? Well, other than I think he’d just think it was cool that I’d dress up in something like that, if (going on the assumption that we’re more than friends by the time Halloween gets here) we go as a couple thing, he gets to be one of the Pirates from Peter Pan, and I can say it’s Tiger Lily instead of Pocahontas.
Or something to that effect.
I haven’t worked the details out quite yet. I just think it’s a cool costume idea! And there’s an artist on Deviant Art who’s steampunked all the Disney characters… or at least a lot of them click the picture to see more:
But we’re getting sidetracked, and this is getting long when I promised a short post.
Basically, I think he was actually really trying to be inclusive, and his excitement at being able to share something with me meant he talked too much, and it overwhelmed me, and then I couldn’t participate. This is a thing that happens a lot with us: he talks so much that when it’s my turn, my brain turns to mush.
Meanwhile, I have a lunch date with the Teacher tomorrow. We’re doing the basic dinner and a movie, but he keeps telling me how excited he is to finally meet me. This does not give me a good feeling. He’s too eager. What if he sees me and, like the Marine, is disappointed by my appearance?
Besides, I’m not 100% physically attracted to him. He’s got a crazy Grizzly Adams beard going on that I do not find attractive at all.
And we matched before my super short haircut, so he may not recognize me, or like it. Plus, the reason why I don’t like my hair so short is that all of my faults seem more visible when I can’t hide behind my hair.
The Teacher is very sweet, except for this huge pressure that is coming from his excitement and anticipation of meeting me.
I’m starting to get that doubt feeling again, but I am not canceling this one. I think perhaps that doubt comes from the fact that I still see potential with the Pirate. And actually, that’s what I wanted to talk about when I started this post… though it went a little sideways.
See, my mother really doesn’t like the Pirate.
She identifies the silliness and the “dress up” with immaturity, and it frightens her because it reminds her of her own situation. My father, bless his heart, is not a very mature individual, and lately has done some things that frankly are hard for the family to forgive. He has no concept of how to be an adult, although he’s about to learn real quick.
So from my mother’s perspective, I’m setting myself up for absolute failure because I’m intrigued by the Pirate.
That and he’s devastatingly handsome! Like, he’s conventionally attractive, if you like skinny guys, which I do. I really like his nose; I have a thing for the Romanesque nose. And he’s got a very kissable lower lip. His lower lip is fuller than the top lip. My roommate’s mother tells me he looks like one of the actors from her telenovelas. So, yes, he is conventionally handsome.
My mother thinks I’m making my decision based solely on looks because I’ve told her I am not physically attracted to the Teacher.
That’s not the only reason I think I’d choose the Pirate over the Teacher. Like I explained yesterday, I am concerned that he’s looking for a rebound relationship, and his eagerness to jump right into a relationship is part of why I say that. He’s too ready, yet his anger at the surprise home inspection that has to do with his custody situation with his daughters makes me think there’s still a lot of bitterness there.
Then there is this totally illogical, yet perhaps spiritually valid statement from my father that has me really questioning things.
Every time I’ve ever dated someone, or even mentioned some male that I knew, my mother has said “this is the one, I can feel it.” She’s said that with every move, every new job, every single change in my life has included some statement of how I was going to meet the man of my dreams and get my happily ever after.
Every. Single. Time.
Except she hates the Pirate.
Meanwhile, my father has never said any such thing. He’s asked what I thought, but even when I’ve asked for his advice in the past, he just looks at me and tells me he doesn’t know.
Yet, completely unbidden, without any preemptive questioning or suggesting, my father said, “You’re gonna marry this boy.”
As simple and as plain as that, without so much as an explanation. Like something out of a country music song.
When I asked him why, he told me it was because I’d met my match. He could out-talk me, and that was something miraculous. Anyone who could awe me into silence (my wording, not my father’s) was someone special.
And it makes me wonder. Is this some synchronistic statement? Or was he just joking with me and it happened to feel significant?
Maybe that’s how synchronicity works.
I had asked the universe to give me a sign, and while I was originally trying to explain to my mother why I was done with the Pirate, in the middle of the conversation, when she attacked him for being a kid, it hit me that he was trying.
I can’t fault the guy for trying.
And he did repeat that he realized that he’d done it again, that he’d monopolized the conversation. When I didn’t say anything in response to that, he got very quiet. Is it possible that he is trying really hard, and I am not giving him his fair due? Or am I giving him too much credit?
And how in the world will I ever fit the Teacher into this mess? *Sigh* I’m not canceling with him, but he’s going to have to be something beyond amazing to disrupt this mild obsession I have with a Pirate!