Merry Midsummer!!

For me, Midsummer (or Litha, or the Solstice, or the first day of Summer, or whatever you want to call it) is about truth and healing and enjoying the sun! The sun shines light upon the darkness, scaring away the (metaphorical) demons, letting only truth shine, and on this, the longest day of the year, it is a day for discovery and welcoming truth and joy into our lives!

I have a strong urge to take a few of my incenses and my smudge stick and go to the beach and start a bonfire!

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But first, I need to discern what it is I want in my  life. What truth is the sun shining light on for me to see more clearly?

I began my day with a three mile walk with the Pirate. I was anxious because I was late. He was calm and relaxed, albeit a bit grumpy, I thought. The walk went well. He would have preferred to run, and while my back was in pretty immense pain (sedentary for a while, remember, and top heavy to boot, and a twisted hip, too) he didn’t relent or slow down.

There were a few times when I would slow down because I could hear people coming up behind us and about to pass us, and as I have no concept of how much space I take up, and as I was aware that I was going slower than they, I slowed to get behind him to take up less space and let the people around.

I also slowed a couple of times because every ounce of my being said I needed to stop and stretch my back.

Yet when we stopped for him to refill his water bottle, he noticed me walking toward the benches, and immediately yelled at me for trying to sit. I wasn’t trying to sit, but to use the bench so I could maybe pop my lower back into place, as it certainly wasn’t in alignment. And he rushed me before I could get it into place.

Then congratulated himself for keeping us at a good pace when we finally got into my car, as I was still trying to stretch my back by hugging my steering wheel.

His comment to me was: “Do you need a lot of air conditioning now?”

I’m basically a walking humidifier. I could not be exerting any energy, just merely standing in the Houston humidity and the water will pour down my face. I first noticed it when I was applying for positions here in Houston. The first job I was offered made me do a sample lesson, and while I aced it, I was indeed sweating like a French whore in church (not sure why the saying specifies French, but so be it).

His assumption that I was tired from over exertion when we weren’t going that fast instead of acknowledging that perhaps I was in pain pissed me off a bit. Even when I corrected him, he was still patting himself on the back for keeping us at a steady pace and suggesting that we should do this again when my back wasn’t so messed up.

Side note: that hip is NEVER going to turn itself right. It’s been messed up since birth, had to wear leg braces similar to young Forrest Gump when I was an infant. Which means my back may never be not messed up.

Moving on.

Again, he did almost all of the talking. I briefly attempted to talk about myself and my family and of course, he interrupted to commandeer the conversation back to a topic of his choosing, never quite getting back to what I was talking about. And then, when my car was back in sight, he said that he realized he’d been doing all the talking and opened it up for me to talk…

About the topics he’d discussed, at length.

Topics that I actually knew a bit about. Some of the information he was telling me about he was repeating information that I already knew, but instead of shutting him down, I let him talk. Yet if I so much as hinted at something he knew, he would give me the verbal cues that he already knew this information… again shutting me down.

It makes me feel stupid when he hands the conversation over to me after having lectured at me at length for 45 minutes or more. Then when we got to his house, there was no time for me to come in and even have so much as a drink of water. I was dismissed as he had so much to do…

And while we had tentative plans for tomorrow night, they have become less stable than they were because of things he has to take care of… that were the same reasons why he couldn’t invite me in today.

I think perhaps I’m done. I really like him, but I like it after we’ve been at least mildly intimate with a kiss or something and he treats me like a person and not like a sounding board for his own voice.

I don’t know if it’s worth this much effort.

And when I tried to cutely suggest that I’d hope he wouldn’t cancel tomorrow so I could prove to him that I wasn’t stupid (mainly to try to get permission or something to actually speak about a topic of my choosing), he accused me of trying to start a fight.

Honey, you’ll know when I’m trying to start a fight.

He may be just too self-centered for me to deal with… and yet I’m watching the ways in which he is being so self-less to help his roommate.

Is this one of those situations where I have to pass some sort of test to make it into the center circle before I get to be treated as if I’m important?

And what tests can I offer to see if he’s worth it for me as well?

Meanwhile, the Teacher and I rescheduled for Wednesday because today was just such a clusterfuck where that was concerned!

He texted (apparently while I was walking with the Pirate) and I didn’t get them until much later… while I was grocery shopping… while hungry. Never a good plan.

He had wanted to go go-karting. An interesting choice, and perhaps surprisingly in tune with my love of driving, though we’ve never discussed such a thing, but he wanted to go at noon. On the solstice, when the sun is at it’s highest and wrapping the world in it’s warmth for longer… or at least the top hemisphere.

Too hot. I offered a movie instead, we discussed it, but then it turns out that he still had his kiddos from their weekend visit. And was getting a surprise home inspection.

Must be some sort of custody thing I don’t understand, but either way it kind of put a damper on things. He was much flirtier today than he has been in the previous communications, so I’m not sure what I think of that.

Perhaps a small part of me is still holding out hope for the Pirate, though for the life of me I don’t know why. Maybe I just like a challenge. Or maybe I don’t really want to be happy.

Or maybe it was something in the way the Teacher seemed a little put off at still having his children and how that was going to screw up our plans… a thing that made me question his intentions quite a bit.

Either way, I’d like a crystal ball right about now to show me the true nature of both men. I’m really ready to be in a serious, committed, long term relationship, but I don’t seem to know how to find my way into one of those. And here are two men who might make good choices, but neither is great on the surface.

The Pirate goes both slow and not slow at the same time, giving mixed signals, speaking of friendship and yet getting frustrated as if we were in a relationship when he assumes (wrongly) to know my intent. He frustrates me, and yet when I point out what he’s done, he seems to be aware of it, almost as if he can’t seem to stop it. I just get very frustrated with his arrogance, and his total lack of concern for my feelings about most things. Yet I do think it’s unintentional. But is that enough to forgive it? I don’t know anymore.

Meanwhile, the Teacher also spoke of friendship and now seems hot and heavy to pursue in a romantic fashion, almost too quick and he’s too flirty too suddenly. That could just be my perception now that I know his intentions are more in line with dating. I haven’t met him yet, and I was quite excited at the prospect, but I was a bit put off by the way he was quick to point out that his kids weren’t supposed to still be there this morning, and his frustration with the inspector… who was apparently 2 hours late. I’m sensing a bit of ire and bitterness underlying that situation. Meaning there’s a high probability that I may in fact be just a rebound relationship for him.

So.

Do I choose the Pirate, who is so self-centered he can’t see beyond his own nose?

Or do I take a chance on the Teacher where it’s possible that I may be a rebound relationship?

Neither option seems very positive in that light.

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May the light of the sun shine down upon me on this longest of days and help me to see the truth of both.

And may the light shine down upon all of you and bring healing and happiness into your lives!

Merry Midsummer!!

 

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2 thoughts on “Merry Midsummer!!

  1. On importance. That was the subject of one Kathmandu’s and my biggest fights. I always felt like he put me last on his priority list. Always. His argument was that he showed how important I was to him in different ways. And I never said anything, until I did, and we had quite the row. In the end I found my voice in the relationship, and he did try (with a gentle reminder every now and then). It’s something that he had to work hard at changing.

    • Yeah. The Pirate and I have talked about it, but I see the effort, and he told me last night that he was the lowest he’s ever been and that has been why he has been so self-centered lately. Curious to see what happens next, but Girl! I like him so much!

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