I’ve officially reached the point with the Pirate where I have become too pushy. I don’t know how to avoid this particular obstacle. I always seem to reach this point, and I kind of am surprised it took this long, as I brought it up the first time about 3 weeks ago.
I’ve been blaming it on being an Aspie, but maybe it’s just a me thing. Does anyone else find themselves always being the one to reach out? Too much so?
How do you avoid this pitfall? What tactics do you use not to go too far? How do you identify the line before you cross it?
So, last we spoke of the Pirate, I was explaining how he and I were taking turns cooking for each other. Seeing as we’ve only known each other for about a month, maybe just a little more, I can see how we’ve moved too fast… but, I also see where it’s not all my fault. Little things, like as we part, him telling me that he calls dibs on cooking next, and the way he’s always so quick to offer to share stories about himself…
Although both of those could be attributed to his innate narcissism that I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that it was something less menacing.
Now that I think about it, though, he does seem to be a bit of a super-villain. I jokingly told him that one of my students told me that if he wasn’t nice to me that she’d beat him up. First of all, she’s like maybe 100 pounds, if that, so it wasn’t a serious threat. Instead of taking it as the joke it was, he reminded me that he did medieval combat fighting and he’d stab an attacker… even a hundred pound girl. He didn’t know her; it didn’t make any difference to him.
That was the night he cooked me dinner, which was already after we’d canceled the damned movie at least once. Though, as I look through the posts about him, I’m not sure it was the same movie that was canceled. He’s had to cancel on me a couple of times, which I think is adding to the illusion that we’ve gone out more than we have.
There was the first date (Captain America: Civil War), where we didn’t really talk before the movie, and he poked me in the side like a small child trying to get my attention, and talked at full volume in the theater.
There was the date where he showed up as a Pirate and we drove all around Houston in the rain. We went to my favorite Falafel restaurant (Zabak’s) and a comic book store, where he told me, in great detail, about ALL of the Godzilla movies. We also went to a Mexican restaurant and I had an appetizer while he had dessert. We were going to see a movie that day, though he and I didn’t really agree on the movie to be seen, and so perhaps (in hindsight) I took longer than necessary to drink my drink because he pretty much out alpha-ed me and chose the film. That was a time we canceled a movie… though I wasn’t counting that one before.
Then I got advanced tickets for Neighbors 2. Where he scratched my arm like I was a dog, which is not the only time he’s treated me like a dog, by the way. The other day, when he was late for me to pick him up, he whistled at me like a dog and then walked into his apartment, not even waiting for me to get out of my car. A strange thing to do since he often tells me he has to watch me leave, because his Puerto Rican honor dictates that he make sure I at least round the corner safely.
Then he cooked me dinner, but there was a time or two between these where he’d canceled our plans. Like when he canceled to see the new Alice movie, which were advanced tickets that I had to really fight to get, and then it seems like we were supposed to get together opening weekend of X-Men, but he canceled that.
And somewhere in there, there was a time when we got together and I took him around to get groceries and things because he told me to be there anytime after 3, and because things were so weird in my life, I screwed up the time and was there right at (actually a little before) 3.
I think that was the day he had me help with laundry…
Seems like that was one of the times we were supposed to go to the movies, but I could be wrong. I think that was the day he took me to a really great little Sushi shop and his hair was kind of crazy. Or maybe those were separate occasions… they are kind of getting a little jumbled in my head…
Then there was this last time when I had to pick him up and bring him to my house, and we were supposed to go to the movie, but he wanted me to pick him up at 5pm… and he was late… and we had to wait for the traffic to not be crazy, so he cooked his lunch for later in the week, and took a shower while setting me up with a show I didn’t really want to watch at that exact moment (reminiscent of when the Boy would sit me in front of the TV like a child so he could play his games…), the result being that I didn’t even begin cooking until like 8 pm, and so, yeah, no movie that night either. But I’d made a big deal of cooking this fucking pasta, and by the Gods, I was going to do it!
The pasta did not turn out so good, partly because he’d hurt my feelings before I’d even begun cooking, and add to that how frustrated I was at us starting so late, and my fear that I’d have to fight to be heard, and you can see why it was kind of a failure. And yet, the evening ended on such a good note, because he made me feel like he wanted me around…
And then the very next day, I won those tickets, and I’d wanted to take him because I thought he’d appreciate it. I ended up taking one of my girl friends who’s also one of my Geeky friends, so that was cool, but her car is also messed up, so I had to get her and drop her off, which meant I’d be driving near his place. I made the mistake of going by last night and bringing him a few bites from the thing, and he seemed really put off that I was there, even though I asked first. And today, I was asking if we were going to be able to reschedule to see the movie…
And he told me I was being smothering.
I totally see why he would say that. I’m not even arguing that it’s incorrect. I just don’t know how to fix it, or if I even want to fix it.
I find myself wanting to spend time with him to see if I will ever get to share myself with him instead of it being the Pirate show, with an audience of just me…
I’m trying to share parts of myself with him so that he can see if he can handle me, if it’s really me he thinks is interesting, like he said, or if it’s just because I let him do all the talking, about whatever he wants. Am I entertaining to him because I let him dominate the conversation in a way that most people don’t put up with?
It’s very confusing for me, because on the one hand, I find him to be unbelievably egocentric and without good reason to be so, which is obnoxious. It’s a thing I’ve discussed before. Mr. West Coast didn’t have any reason to be so full of himself, nor did the Artist, or Superman. It’s a thing that I find to be very ugly. The Pirate is very convinced of his awesomeness, as he mentions repeatedly what a good lover he is, and only talks about himself. It probably should have been the end when he threatened one of my kiddos, but I let it slide for some reason…
On the other hand, he made me a birthday present and made it my favorite color… He’s the first man I’ve dated in a long time that gave me a present without me having to ask or beg to get one. Well… technically I did ask, but he’d already been thinking about it. And there was Superman, who bought me a book, but he was another one of those men who was feeding me a fantasy.
A handmade gift takes time. Trust me, I know! Remember the Ninja Turtle Heart I made for Superman?
And to use my favorite color shows that he listens at least a little… It’s kind of a big deal. Much more impressive than just letting me pick something out of a store, like Superman and that one guy who gave me the stuffed Dalek, but was interviewing me for marriage. It’s definitely of a higher value than a fucking flask with my name on it, which is totally impractical and showed that the Boy knew nothing about me as a person.
I’m very confused, and I sent him a long response telling him how I was trying to spend time with him to observe him and figure out what it was he really wanted, but also just trying to see the movie because the canceling is the same as not following through, and that’s something of a trigger for me. Sent it through Instagram messenger, and he hasn’t even looked at it yet.
In reality, I was waiting for him to show that he was as interested in me as he was in telling me about himself.
Maybe I did waste my time on him…
Back to Tinder I go.