Tinder Adventure Tuesday: Hard Choices

So school’s out. I haven’t found a summer job yet. Not really sure where to look, actually, and if I don’t find one soon, there may not be any to be found. Meanwhile, I’m getting settled in at the new place… although yesterday was my laundry day and someone else had their stuff in the washer, and now it’s still there, so while I’m the only one at the house, and could totally do my laundry without being in anyone’s way, I can’t find another laundry basket to move the stuff…

So I’ll wait. Since the girl who does laundry on Wednesdays used my day, I may take tomorrow and do my laundry. It seems only fair.

It’s just one of a handful of things that I wasn’t expecting when I moved into this situation. I still think I’m going to give it a full year because they’re all so sweet, and I like how close it is to my school… and, let’s be honest, I hate all the disruption in my schedule that comes from all this moving!

To keep my mind off of it, I’ve been looking into the idea of having a summer romance. Note that I didn’t say a Summer Fling. That’s because I am way too old for such silly nonsense. Besides, I want something more than just a fling. 

summerfling

Speaking of, the Pirate and I had an interesting conversation yesterday. We’ve both agreed we’re not ready to get into a relationship. Which, although technically true, I really WANT to be in one. I’m ready to start settling down and being just with one person.

And, for all his silliness that I was afraid would knock him out of the running, I’m starting to see that he has some really great points that do make him a prime candidate. Yes, he’s silly, but that means that he makes me laugh. And while I don’t totally understand the whole pirate thing, it’s his thing, and he’s passionate about it, which we all know how sexy I find it to be when someone’s passionate about something. He also wants to share that with me, as seen by the amount of times he brings it up and we discuss it… in great detail…

I know the exact difference between a pirate and a privateer. He explained it. At length. For nearly an hour.

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But he utilizes that same level of intensity in other areas as well. Which is most gratifying!

As such, I really don’t want to give up on him, but I didn’t get rid of Tinder.

Actually, he did get rid of Tinder, though not because of me. That was sort of what spawned the whole conversation yesterday.

See, after we’d hung out at his place for the first time, he added me on several social media outlets, one of which being Instagram. It’s the one he uses the most, and he likes all of my stuff, and thus I like all of his stuff. It’s cute, in a very innocent, somewhat childlike way.

Then, night before last, he posted a pic where he’d written about how he didn’t have anywhere to lurk because he’d deleted all of his dating apps.

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I made the mistake of jumping to the assumption that it had something to do with me, as we’d hung out at his place again recently (just that very day, I think), and he had me helping with his laundry… which is kind of an intimate thing to do, and not generally in the realm of normal dating.

Remember, with the Boy, such a thing was an act of service, and one of his love languages, which is why I would attempt to offer my services whenever possible, though the Boy regularly shot me down. And the Bartender would take me up on such things and thank me profusely for being such an angel and so sweet… In hindsight it was overkill because he was giving me a fantasy, but in the moment, it was the first time anyone had treated me so well, particularly after 3+ years of waiting for the Boy to acknowledge my efforts to speak to him in his own language.

But with the Boy, it meant nothing, because I was just doing what he needed done, and so it literally meant nothing to him, just like everything else between us. And with the Bartender, while it meant something, all of his romantic gestures telling me how wonderful and amazing I was were all just him feeding me a fantasy. I still haven’t figured out if the fantasy was for me or for him.

The point is, I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that the Pirate thought anything more about me helping with his laundry, but I did.

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He had also said some things about how amazing and interesting I was. And on more than one occasion he’s mentioned not having willpower around me, which I take as a great compliment! I get the general impression that he enjoys his time with me, and that he genuinely likes what he sees.

That is something that I’m always concerned about because I know I’m not conventionally pretty. I’m bigger than most girls (bigger than the Pirate for that matter, by a lot), and fuzzier than most, too. I’ve got big tits, but my hips are crooked, making my waist crooked, and causing me to have massive back problems, and thus I walk funny. I used to hide it with a slinky walk, but I keep hurting my ankles and my knees, so the slink is gone.

I haven’t been conventionally sexy for many years.

But I think the Pirate finds me attractive. Enough so that he loses his self control, and I do think it is a compliment, whether intentional or no.

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So, while I’d like to be a little more attached to him than I’m willing to admit to his face, I also am not the one who gave up Tinder. I’ve still been talking to a handful of guys on there. I went out with that one guy, the one who made me feel uncomfortable over french fries (I was trying not to make eye contact because I was already uncomfortable with him, and he told me that he wished I’d look at him the way I was looking at those fries… the thought in my head was, “I’m full, but I’m going to eat these fries anyway just to avoid looking at him.”), and last night I started talking to a guy who has a bit more promise on paper.

The new guy was in the Marines, has a Master’s degree in English with a focus on Early English (as in Anglo-Saxon) poetry, and is a fireman. He’s taller than me, and in his profile pic, he’s wearing a kilt. He’s already asked me out for drinks tonight, and while I am DEFINITELY interested, I find myself hesitant.

For one thing, I think I’m sick. I’m dehydrated, have the sniffles, my eyes have been puffy/watery for days, and I’m physically, emotionally exhausted! I may actually have a bit of a fever, and I don’t want to take cold medicine and then go out for drinks. It’s a bad combination. I’ve done that before, it was what got me into the mess with that first boy who hurt me so badly so long ago (the guy with the sword).

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For another, I actually really like the Pirate, and I get a bit of an impression that me seeing other people puts that at risk. A tiny part of me feels like he’s testing the situation to see if it’s the same as his last situation, where as soon as things were over, she’d already moved on to someone else, suggesting she’d been cheating on him. He made a comment about how this wouldn’t last because these things never do, but he said it in a way that suggested he was just preparing for the inevitable, and I don’t want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For another thing, this Marine may be too good. It’s rare that anyone can be that perfect. He’s attractive (though I think the Pirate is cuter), he’s got the education that I’m looking for, and he’s got more direction, he’s adventurous and takes care of himself… and maybe that’s part of it. Usually guys that take that much care of themselves (i.e. at the gym), see me and think I’m not worth the time, because I don’t. I worry about my brain, and when things get haywire in my life, the first thing to go is my diet. Anything with my health actually. I’m not very health conscious.

Plus the aforementioned fuzzy bit. The Pirate has made comments about how society has us believing that women should be a certain way and he doesn’t agree with it. That’s nice. I don’t have faith that the Marine will have the same mind set.

So, I have a choice to make: do I keep looking or do I wait? Do I give this Marine a chance, because on paper he’s got more of what I’m looking for? Or do I follow my feelings, which tell me that the Pirate has great potential?

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The Pirate already makes me happy, though I do have reservations… It’s still too soon to really tell, but I am afraid that if I’m dividing my time, he’ll go away, and I don’t want that. Not yet, for sure. Though I can’t tell you how I’ll feel down the road. I know that right now I enjoy his company and don’t want to jeopardize it.

 

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5 thoughts on “Tinder Adventure Tuesday: Hard Choices

  1. Kristen Thibodeaux says:

    First, society has a skewed view of sexy. For years my cousins would tell me to act sexier and (a) it looked forced and (b) I felt so awkward. I’ve come to realize that being yourself is sexy and shame on society for making any woman feel inferior. I starved myself to be a size 0 and I was miserable, as a size 6-8 I am much happier now. Sexy is you being you and if that means a little extra padding, fuzz, frizzy hair, bad skin, raccoon eyes then embrace that with confidence.
    Health isn’t always a priority for me, but I’m making it one slowly. For me, being fit and healthy is different than being skinny – yes I would like to loose a few pounds but if I replace it with muscle then I would be just as happy. My mom has made so many poor health choices and as I watch her health decline, I have chosen to not make those same choices.
    Your pirate sounds like a great catch and from reading your post, I get the impression that you already know the right choice. The Marine may sound great on paper, but the Pirate is who you have currently. I can’t promise that it will work out with Pirate, but if you give up now it will definitely not work out. Trust your gut for this one and give the relationship with your pirate time to develop. 🙂

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