It always amazes me how Tinder goes from one extreme to the next. For about a week, I was matching left and right. Granted, only 2 guys made the cut for me to meet, and only 1 got my number, but it’s always a nice boost to my ego when, however brief it may be, the Tinderfellas decide I’m a hot commodity for a bit.
But now, it’s dead silent once again. Oh well.
I had originally decided I was going to post today about the possibility of being too old for a Summer fling, and share my slightly meandering thoughts on the matter. I may come back to it, but the gist of it is this: I would probably settle for a fling, but it is oh so NOT what I want right now, or ever again, to be honest.
While, yes, Tinder has a reputation for being only for sex, I have met plenty of people (or at least seen plenty of profiles) that say they aren’t looking for a just for fun, no strings attached sort of situation, but rather that they want something with some substance to it. Some of them are flat out lying because they are good at hawking the fantasy.
This is not to be confused with “hocking” the fantasy… though once they’ve swindled me emotionally, I feel like I’m in hock to them, and have to pay them with kind words and sometimes gifts to prove my worth in order to maintain a fantasy that they perpetuated.
I’ve never quite figured that out, how I somehow always manage to get caught up in someone else’s fantasy only to later be the one trying to win them back when they turn out to be false…
But that’s much too big a topic for today. We’ll tackle that some other time, when I don’t have a gazillion projects to grade, and a test to prepare for, and a classroom to pack.
See what I mean by I have too much going on?
Which is why I should be glad that the Pirate canceled on me today.
I’m ridiculously busy, I’m exhausted because I’m stressed, which means I’m actually taking my anti-anxiety meds like I’m supposed to, but they make my brain a little bit foggy and I never seem to get proper sleep when I take them… hence why I generally don’t. But with only 3 days (after today) left of school, I can’t afford NOT to take them. Not taking them would leave me at the mercy of panic attacks Panic attacks often mean missed work, missed work means missed pay.
And I can’t do that right now… Not with only 3 days (after today) left in the school year. And a ton of projects to finish grading, plus tests.
Plus, I just moved into a new place last weekend… Which was stressful and now I’m sore on top of everything else.
I should be absolutely ecstatic that the Pirate gave me an out for today. I need to just relax and have some time to myself. I need to stay late and finish grading papers. I need to start being more proactive about finding a summer job…
But, I have Asperger’s and I’m learning that this sudden change of plans is actually quite debilitating for me right now. Everything else is quite up in the air; I was counting on this to be a thing set in stone. Our outing tonight was to be my rock in a sea of chaos. And now it’s not.
He was completely honest about it, even attempted to reschedule (which some of you may remember is quite important to me… it was a regular fight with the Boy), but somehow my feelings are hurt, and I’m completely unsure about what is going to happen for the rest of my day. I find myself panicking a little about what do I do now that my plans are canceled?
Part of it is because I kind of went to a lot of trouble to get some advanced screening tickets for the new Alice Through the Looking Glass movie.
I had to search through about 10 different advanced screening sites, several that were for Latino audiences (so it’s possible I would have seen the movie in Spanish… if I’d gone), before I was finally able to get tickets. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing, because we had agreed to see each other, but there weren’t really any set plans made.
I like that the Pirate kind of gives me a day and then lets me plan. I would prefer to do it the other way around, but this is better than it has been in the past where I have to guess whether or not the other person was going to make any plans at all.
But however the plans were made, plans were made. I’d picked out an outfit, and set a schedule for what needed to be done so that I could get to him and to the theater in time. I’d gone over a few different conversation starters because it’s my turn to start sharing myself with him. He’s been doing the majority of the talking, and I’m ready to jump into telling him about me… to see if he can handle me when I’m not shy.
And now, it’s just not happening.
I am finding things to occupy my time, and now that my school day is done, I realize that I AM quite exhausted, so it was a good thing, but when I started this post, I was still reeling from the disruption in my schedule. It’s taken me a while to finish…
My immediate thought was that I had done something wrong. The most recent men in my life have all let me know that when they decided to get rid of me it was because of something I had done, or didn’t do, or just in general something wrong with me.
Even the Bartender, who swore that I wouldn’t allow men to treat me poorly anymore because he had shown me how I deserved to be treated, then went and treated me worse than all the rest combined by telling sweet lies mixed with hurtful words. Sugarcoated verbal punches.
Between my initial panic about the sudden schedule change, and the learned response that it is something wrong with me, it’s been a stressful undertaking trying not to immediately freak out.
And in the middle of it, work got weird a little bit. It doesn’t feel like the last week of school, and yet it is. I have so much to do, and I don’t feel ready for any of it. I’ve never wanted a do over so badly in my life! Luckily, next year I’ll have one.
But for now, I just have to survive.
I’ll just add that to the list of a gazillion things going on in my life!