If we were meeting up for coffee this weekend, I would tell you how exhausted I was because it’s the end of the school year. I would also tell you that there’s just one more week!
Am I ready for the school year to be over? Yes and no.
Yes because this has been a particularly troubling year. I’ve struggled with keeping on top of things, I haven’t worked well with my team in a lot of areas. I feel like I did not perform at the top of my game all year long.
I felt like all year I was just trying to survive.
Some of that was because of work stuff, but some of it was because of home stuff as well.
Like I’m moving this weekend, which (if we count all the different hotels as just one big move instead of multiple moves) makes for the fourth move this school year. For someone who can only thrive in a situation where I have a very clear, set structure, this is not exactly a good thing.
Or there was the explosion with the Boy in January, where I finally realized just how toxic he was for me. He’d apparently realized we were toxic for each other for a while, but I was slow in figuring it out because I was so convinced of our potential. Three years on and off was a lot of time to waste on someone who in the end couldn’t even respect me as a human being.
And then the absolute fiasco that was the Bartender in March. Luckily that happened after I’d had some time to really get my emotions in order. It was a shame that everything about him was a fantasy because I was really happy for the first time in a very long time.
And it was all a lie…
This post isn’t about them, but it does kind of show how this year has not been exactly the most stable for me emotionally, or even physically. Especially on the home front.
But let’s not forget about how chaotic things have been at work.
I’m learning that it’s just the way things are. I’ve heard plenty of people explain that doing things chaotic and unplanned is just the way of things at our school. There’s even a cute little catch phrase for it: the “W____ Way.” The kids have a separate saying for it, complete with a hashtag: #onlyatW____.
The lack of stability or support that I’ve received since I transferred to that school has been a bit scary, and worse because I don’t always know that I’m screwing up, until it’s way too late to do anything about it.
But there’s only one week of school left.
Tomorrow I’m moving into a place that is a pretty set deal, I think. I’m going to take a couple of weeks to just relax and get into a routine, before I begin my summer work (no I don’t know what that is yet, but I’m looking for a summer job). And next year, I’ll be much more prepared and be a much better teacher.
That’s the goal, anyway.
Meanwhile, there has been some development in the dating department. Sort of.
Remember I went on a date with a Tinderfella that we’re referring to as the Pirate? Well, we’ve officially gone out three times now, with a fourth sort of planned for some time next week.
I’d say that’s a good sign. But…
I think he’s been through some equally traumatic situations as myself. In fact, after stalking his Instagram a little bit (hey, he added me, not the other way around…), I saw that about the same time as my fiasco with the Bartender, the Pirate was going through his own betrayal.
I’ve also seen from his IG that he’s not looking for something short term, but he’s also not in a hurry. He’s said he’d rather be friends than something else, but then we’ve also crossed beyond the just friends line…
So, I’ve found myself trying to figure out exactly what’s going on because usually by now, I’ve got a pretty clear idea of what a guy is after… Or at least what I hope he’s after. I’m not even sure of what I want out of this situation.
Am I attracted to him? God yes! He’s attractive, funny, intelligent, passionate, talented, and kissing him is unbelievably fun!
But he sometimes talks to me in a way that seems like he thinks I’m dumb, and I think that’s because thus far he’s done most of the talking. After the debacle with the Bartender, I’m leery of letting someone in emotionally, lest it be a fantasy. Thus, I’ve let the Pirate tell me loads and loads of things, particularly about pirating…
We haven’t had many conversations of substance is all I’m saying. It’s still talking at each other instead of with each other. Telling each other about things, but not really delving into a discussion where we can both contribute.
There have been a few exceptions, namely our conversations about sex, in which we’ve compared notes a little, again him doing most of the talking but that’s ok. And he did explain to me in depth how he thinks his lifestyle choices have made him a good person and best prepared him to be a husband and father.
And we did have the beginning of a really good conversation about movies while we were waiting to see Neighbors 2.
I’d like to have more of those conversations because I feel like right now we’re on the verge of boring each other because I think we both need something of substance, but we’re both afraid to open up to the other about things of substance.
I’m probably wrong…
I just don’t know what he’s really after because he talks about sex as if it’s just a topic to be discussed, and mentions things like wanting to be a father, but in a similar breath says that he just wants to be friends. Then we end up making out in my car for half an hour…
I finally asked, and he told me he didn’t have an end game, which further makes me think that we’re both kind of in a place of caution and just testing the waters to see what happens.
This is dangerous for me. My instinct says I need to spend as much time as possible with him to gather as much data as possible in order to determine what his agenda is.
To determine if his values are in line with mine, if he’s got the longevity that I’m seeking right now in my life… My brain says the only way to determine such a thing is to talk, text, and see a lot of each other. Meanwhile, people have told me that it comes across as being pushy, needy, clingy.
So how do neurotypical people navigate this stage? (If we were having coffee, I’d seriously ask you to help me figure this out, so if you have answers PLEASE put it in the comments below.)
I’m really trying not to overthink this, but at the same time, I don’t want to get emotionally attached to something that has no potential. Based on his conversations I can’t tell if he really just wants to be friends and we’re just also sexually attracted to one another making that difficult, or if he’s looking for something with substance but being cautious, or if he’s just as confused as I am.
Or maybe he’s just a typical guy (which I would say was NOT the case) and he’s just having fun and not thinking about it at all. I know I like him because that thought actually hurts a little.
Then again, I’m overly emotional today. The following video had me bawling like a baby for a good ten minutes or more.
I think I’m going to end on that. It’s a feel good story, and I’ve again talked more than I’d intended to. Hope you’re having a great weekend!
And if you’d like to participate in the Weekend Coffee Share, go check out ParttimeMonster.com