Or at least, my new definition.
Some while back, I had come up with a definition of what type of man I was looking for, and suggesting that he was the new perfect man for our day and age. I used Indiana Jones as my example, with a nod to the tenth Doctor at the very end… Mostly because I think I know that what I was asking for was impossible.
I’ve added a few notes here and there, most notably about dominance. I’ve noticed that Intellectual alphas tend to have some inherently beta qualities, and these beta qualities are usually what lead to a man being friendzoned. It’s not always just that a woman is trying to be mean, but some of the Intellectual male’s tendencies make him appear wishy washy, and women want a man who is more firm in his convictions.
Although, not too firm where certain things are concerned. We still want to be desired, and thus, we want a man who is weak where we are concerned. Where he is so torn by his desire for us that he will give in if it means that he gets to spend some quality time with his girl.
This is where things always go wrong for me. I want a man who is strong, but will bend to my will if it means that he can spend more time with me.
Not because I’m selfish… though I am that, especially if we’re talking the Ayn Rand definition of what that means in relationships… but because I want a man who wants me as much as I want him.
I want to be wanted.
But, I don’t want to be wanted by just anybody. I am a finicky bitch. Mr. Nice Guy had small ears and it bothered me. The Bartender’s kooky beard ponytail almost scared me away (might have been better off if it had). And dammit, I like a smart man. No Forrest Gumps for me, thank you very much… although it would be nice to date a guy who actually understood what love was and how it works.
So, what do I want?
I still want a man who is intelligent. The conversation test is still important. I don’t want a man that I cannot talk to. I need someone who I can discuss serious issues with, as I get very fixated on certain topics.
My latest one is the 2016 presidential elections. I am fascinated and terrified by how closely Donald Trump’s rhetoric matches Hitler’s… albeit in a diminished intelligence level. One study showed that Trump’s speeches were at the level of an 11 year old. Not an 11th grader, like the high schoolers I teach, but an 11 year old, as in maybe 5th or 6th grade. Maybe 7th if it’s an advanced 11 year old, but an advanced 11 year old probably has a higher vocabulary than Trump.
The Bartender couldn’t discuss these things with me, which was a shame, but he could talk to me about comic books and science fiction. I would have loved to be able to continue those discussions. They made for interesting pillow talk. Which goes to show that I don’t need a man who has all the same interests as me, but we have to have something that we can discuss.
I particularly love a good debate. This was something the Boy particularly didn’t like, and I think the Bartender would have eventually balked at it as well. I tried a couple of times to have my post movie discussions with both these men and they never lasted long, and tended to give way to the more carnal activities. Though occasionally we could go back to them again, it was never in a truly debate like fashion. I do like to win, however, and it is hard for me when I have to admit that I am wrong, but I do like having the opportunity to prove my point.
Intellect is a necessity for a good debate. A decent vocabulary is necessary for a good debate. A good level of passion is necessary for a good debate.
A good debate is a pretty good indication of an Intellectual Alpha Male, actually. It does show how he thinks, and how he communicates, and whether or not he has the necessary passion that I feel an Intellectual Alpha has. Humor can also come up in a debate, and it can also be a good gauge of practicality based on how he formulates his argument. It gives an insight to how he handles frustrating situations, and whether or not he has the skill to be forceful without stepping on my toes.
Thus it illuminates a man’s aptitude in all five of our required areas: intelligence, humor, practicality, passion, and respectful dominance.
It also helps to show whether or not he can accept me as I am. How will he accept it if I am winning the argument? Can he see things from my perspective? Will he help me to see it from his if we cannot reach an agreement? Will he acknowledge that my viewpoint is valid? Or at the very least, can he acknowledge that my feelings are valid?
The feelings thing is a big deal to me. Most of my life, because I see things differently, I’ve had people telling me that my perception is wrong. The Boy (and my therapist/specialist) told me the way I watch movies is even incorrect. After an argument, while I can relate word for word what has been said, everyone from my mother to the Boy have told me that I’m remembering things wrong.
Even the Bartender tried that on me once toward the end, and it probably was what threw me over the edge.
It is very important to me that a person acknowledge my feelings and not just tell me I’m wrong without some sort of evidence.
For one thing, generally, I cannot be wrong about how I feel about something. That is a wholly personal experience, and they are not inside my head or my heart, so how should they know how I feel?
Secondly, one of the gifts that comes with my Asperger’s is a near photographic memory for words and inflections. While I might not always grasp the meaning of the facial expression or the tone used, I can repeat a conversation (particularly a heated conversation) nearly word for word, including the facial expression and tone used by the other person.
Heated discussions require more focus from me to establish whether or not I’m understanding the subtext properly, so I pay very close attention to the shifts in tone and things. They get filed away so that later I can analyze to see if I was wrong… as often the people with whom I’m arguing like to try to convince me that I am.
On the occasions when they have made me see my error, I have apologized.
I am not infallible, but I am stubborn, and I grew up with a very manipulative grandmother… and whether or not she sees it, my mother does have some similar traits. I’ve spent a great deal of my life being gaslighted by people close to me, especially the men I’ve dated, who a disproportionate amount of which have been abusive… I’m learning that’s because I seek alphas and it is sometimes hard to distinguish an alpha from an asshole.
So what’s changed?
This newest breakup, or whatever you want to call it, has shown me that I need a man who is patient. Which, if you think about it, it makes sense that an Intellectual Alpha would be patient anyway. He has to deal with the fact that he is somehow superior to others, because that is what makes him an alpha and not just a beta male: he must be the leader somehow.
With the Boy, he was something of an expert in his field. It was what made him so irreplaceable at his work, and thus the reason why he would get sent offshore, even though he hated being offshore for such long stretches of time.
With the Bartender, I think I felt his alpha-ness in the way he handled his business. He worked so very hard because he was the provider. There was something primal about how hard he worked to support a wife that he didn’t really want/need just because she was the one taking care of his daughter. In hindsight, I should have realized that he was working those crazy hours because he was such a coward, which automatically puts him in more of a Beta category.
But he was patient with me, which was so unlike anyone else that I attributed it to his inherent alpha maleness. He is Latin, after all, and therefor he oozes machismo somewhat.
And machismo is decidedly Alpha.
The way he would tell me no, and stick to his guns was also decidedly Alpha… though it was also very frustrating because he was denying my feelings (and his) many times when he would tell me no, and that directly contradicted some of the more positive traits that I liked about him.
Remember, I want to be wanted, and to have my feelings acknowledged. Denying me on a regular basis directly opposes those things.
So I want to add patience, but let’s take away humor.
Or at least make it an added bonus, but not a requirement. Humor from an Intellectual Alpha Male is often misconstrued as sarcasm, and I can only handle so much sarcasm before it’s uncomfortable.
The Bartender wanted to share shows and jokes with me that were rife with sarcasm, and made me uncomfortable, but I endured them because it made him happy. And he was willing to endure my weird movies. He pointed out that every movie I introduced him to had a strange pacing…
And I’d like to change dominance for desire. I want a man who wants to possess me, as the Bartender said he did, but what he really means is that he desires me so much that he will forego his logic upon occasion if it means we can be together. I want him to desire me so that I’m not chasing him just for some time together, but rather that we chase each other equally.
Finally, I want to add empathy.
This is a drastic change from the traditional alpha model. Traditional alpha males are seen as assholes because they do what they think is best, but this can often mean that they will do something negative if it has a positive long term result. They are results driven, and thus do not take feelings into account.
And, as we’ve discussed, feelings are important.
An Intellectual Alpha isn’t just results oriented, but, because of his intelligence, he recognizes that results are only half the battle. He recognizes that the happiness of both people in a relationship is more important than just results.
So that’s Intelligence, Passion, Practicality, Patience, Desire, and Empathy.
Still a unicorn, huh? Yeah, I thought so…